


The Land of Buckets and Shenanigans

by ukelala



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Awkward First Times, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bulges and Nooks, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Developing Relationship, Doomed Timelines, Drunken Shenanigans, Eridan is a pervert, Established Relationship, Extremely Dubious Consent, Fiduspawn, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Hivebent, Hormones, Masturbation, Meteor, Moirails With Pails, Multi, Nook Eating, Nooks, Oh yes I can, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pailing, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pheromones, Quadrant Confusion, Quadrant Vacillation, Squee, Squick, Tags Are Hard, Tentabulges, The Author Regrets Nothing, Time Shenanigans, Voyeurism, Xeno, can i make my own tags?, uhhh... nook birthing? its really kind of strange, we already knew that, yeah those last two are related
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-01-08 06:12:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 42,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1129269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukelala/pseuds/ukelala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PLEASE NOTE THE NEW TAGS, NEXT CHAPTER 23 HAS TRIGGER WARNINGS LIKE WHOA.</p><p>Relationships are hard.  Being a teenager is hard.  And controlling hormones is damn near impossible when you cant get away from thirteen other people in the same situation. </p><p>    Contains much pornography, many surprising relationship developments, many more unsurprising relationship developments, and some more porn.  Canon-typical levels of violence and murder.  Assume canon up until the end of act 5. Please, also assume that every chapter Eridan is in might squick you out. Equius might have the same effect.</p><p>Chapters are titled <strike>with whichever character's POV they are written in</strike> however I like.  Chapters are somewhat nonlinear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Boredom is always the start of every bad idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wrote this first chapter as a one-shot. I was filling my craving for some GamKar, and I felt like there was more story after it was over. So twenty-some chapters later, I'm still writing this one. This first chapter stands alone pretty well, IMHO. Please enjoy.

Gamzee stared at the walls of his room for quite some time. He’d been honking before that, putting his horn up against different items, and marveling at how it made the sound softer or louder. It made him giggle to hear the honks echoing from within the pail in the corner of his room, but Karkat started thumping on the shared wall, screaming something about twenty five minutes and trying to sleep. Brother kinda sounded uptight, and well, moirails help each other out. Dunno what the problem was, but he seems fine now. After contemplating the miracle of having functional load gapers despite everything they’d been through, it seemed like there was nothing left to do. At least, not in here, anyway, motherfucker. 

Gamzee got up and sort of danced around his room, dodging the pile of horns, and opened the door between his and Karkat’s respiteblocks. That grumpy motherfucker was all tuckered out, sleeping on a really miserable looking pile of …programming manuals? That shit’s all kinds of lumpy, with all those books bein’ different sizes and all. He must’ve been really tired to have fallen asleep like that. Wonder if he’s dreaming yet?

“..hey bro. Whatcha dreaming about, motherfucker? :o)”

Nothing. That guy’s out COLD. Gamzee gave him a poke in his scrunched up crabby little face. That didn’t even interrupt his steady breathing. He stood there zoning out for a minute or while, and got a great idea. He carefully picked his limp friend out of the uncomfortable heap, and went back to his room. When your friend has needs, you got to do your best to meet them, even when he’s too polite to ask. He petted that sulky little frame in a totally platonic way. Gamzee was beaming with pride as he unceremoniously deposited Karkat in his super comfy, squishy pile of horns. 

Karkat screamed a lot. 

“Hey, bro, what’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?” Gamzee twisted the cap off of his beverage of choice, and looked with concern at his best friend. Karkat was spitting mad and babbling incoherently. Maybe he was having another panic attack? He sat down in the pile next to his moirail, honking only a few of the inhabitants it contained.

“It’s cool, motherfucker. You can talk to me about it; ain’t nobody here but us. Shhhooosh, maybe?”

“AARGH WHY AM I AWAKE?! I WAS FINALLY HAVING A NOT AWFUL DREAM; ONE THAT I DON’T CARE TO TELL YOU ABOUT, FOR YOUR INFORMATION. HOW THE FUCK DID I GET OVER HERE ANYWAY? DON’T YOU SHOOSH ME, THIS IS PROBABLY SOMEHOW THE WORK OF YOUR BULLSHIT WHIMSY…“ Karkat shifted around. “This is much better than the pile in my room.”

“You’re free to all sleep in my pile anytime, motherfucker. You don’t even gotta ask. It’s big enough to share.” Gamzee brushed the hair from Karkat’s bleary eyes, and stroked his face until his eyelids grew heavy again. “If you go back to sleep now, you might catch the same bubble.“

“Yeah, ok… just please don’t call it… a…miracle…” Karkat fell back asleep, and Gamzee settled into the pile, and slammed his wicked elixir. Who’s the best moirail? This guy, definitely. His eyes wandered around the room. Eh, he kind of made a mess today… or maybe it was always there? Oh no, since when was the pail from the corner part of the horn pile? No, that’s not cool. Karkat is totally uptight when he sees one of those things. But, everybody knows a troll’s got needs! Better make sure it stays on the far side, at least. Karkat’s usually upset about things, but waking up with his face inches from a bucket might ruin that totally peaceful slumber thing he’s got going on right now. Gamzee stuck his hand down his pants and scratched himself. Hmm… sure. What’s a bored motherfucker to do, really? Already got the bucket, anyway. His hand dove in deeper and fingered the soft, wrinkled skin of his seedflap. He relaxed into the pile, and spread his legs a bit as his tentabulge began to unfurl and swell. He felt its length rest against his thigh, twitching involuntarily to announce its eager state. Gamzee glanced over at his friend, curled up and oblivious. Good, not bothering him in the least. He closed his eyes, and spread his legs further, smearing a finger across the dampened entrance of his nook. His tentacle curled back along itself, and he rolled the tip between his thumb and forefinger, moistening it with his nookslime. He tossed his head back with a contented sigh as the delicate tip of his bulge penetrated slowly into his moist cavity.

*Absolutely everyone knows not to try putting your tentacle in your own nook. It’s not good for you, and it really counteracts the instinct to fill your quadrants! Besides, most trolls could only hope to be so well endowed, and flexible, so most laugh it off as completely impossible anyway. But, with a lusus that wasn’t always around, sometimes those private, touchy subjects for a coming-of-age troll went completely by the wayside. Like this one. Anyhoo.

Gamzee bit his lip against ragged breathing as he inched his way inside. It might be fun to try and drag this out a bit; it could be so hard to make it last. Each tingle of pleasure was amplified twofold, and when one organ reached its climax, the spasming joy would expend the second one quickly thereafter. Instead of playing with the base of his tentabulge, he withdrew his hand and twisted it into his hair. He crossed his legs, forcing his bulge deeper inside. He smiled at the sublime feeling of dueling pulses within his tangled crotch, and rocked his hips, bobbing the root of his tentacle against his thigh. The movement it produced inside him felt less controlled, more foreign. Maybe this is what doing it with someone else feels like? He began a slow, deliberate rhythm, bobbing his hips shallowly at first, then more vigorously as the familiar sensations began to build. Face flushed and lips parted, the purple blood rushing in his ears drowned out the soft, steady tootling of the enthusiastic pile cradling his lusty body.

Karkat, however, heard everything.

“…Gamzee?”

Gamzee froze at the sound, and sort of tried to act casual. He leaned on his elbow with a startlingly loud honk. It’s not like anybody could tell what he’s doing. Just a dude chillin’ on his pile while his best bro naps.

“Honk, honk, motherfucker! You sleep good?”

“Gamzee… I’m not gonna lose my shit over this, but I can leave if the two of you would like to be alone. It’s cool, palebro.” Karkat sounded… Sad? Miserable? Gamzee couldn’t quite place it. “I didn’t know you had another quadrant filled, but… it sounds like you’re doing something I shouldn’t be here for. I’ll just see myself out.” 

Busted! And, now he’s got some explaining to do. Think fast, Gamzee.

“You must be imagining things, brother. I didn’t all hear nothing. Maybe you’re all havin’ a dream about a special someone, and maybe you were touching yourself in your sleep, bro. I’ll bet that’s what you heard. It’s whatever, I won’t tell nobody.”

“WHAT?!” That sounded like the normal Karkat. Flustered and angry. “Hell no was I doing that! My hands are both up here by my face. How the fuck could they be secretly fondling me from way up here?”

“Maybe your tentacle just all like, helped itself to your nook, bro.” That’s right; just turn it around on him. He’ll get upset, drop the subject, and go back to sleep. Or, storm out, and Gamzee could just finish up while he calmed down, and go chill with him and talk about feelings or something. Or… 

Karkat laughed, and rolled over in the horn pile to face Gamzee.

“Oh, you were joking the whole time! God, I haven’t heard that one for a sweep,” he sighed deeply, then continued. “I was… dreaming about Terezi, and whatever you were doing sounded like… um, like you were getting it on in the horn pile… and I think I got kind of jealous. You know, now that she likes Dave…” Karkat coughed a bit. “That sounds so perverted, I’m embarrassed I even said it. Don’t tell anybody, ok?” 

Oh, shit, we’re gonna talk about feelings now? Shit.

“...but, what the fuck are you doing over there, anyway?”

Shit. This totally backfired, and now he’s stuck three minutes to orgasm with his best bro lusting after his secret kismesis. His tentacle flicked at the mention of her name, and he bit his lip hard not to make a noise. He looked up to see Karkat mere inches away, his eyes all round and honest and full of the troll disease called friendship. That look turned suspicious, then scornful as he observed the scandalous look Gamzee wore.

“You.” Shit, shit, shit. It’s all over. His best bro is gonna kill him over that stupid broad, and he can’t even run away properly. Fuck, what a way to die.

“OH, my god, you’ve been playing with yourself! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME? You’re lying there with your bucket and your slimy fucking hand…I think I’m gonna throw up! What the FUCK? I was sleeping RIGHT NEXT TO THAT!” Karkat’s freaking out again. All that pleasant napping, gone down the drain. A moirail’s job is never really done, is it?

“Hey, now, brother. A troll’s got needs, you know. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll stop.” AAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG. Honk. :o(

Karkat sat in silence for a moment. Rare, that. He heaved a sigh, and rolled onto his back with a few honks. His gaze shifted to somewhere on the ceiling.

“You really mean that, bro?” There was that weird tone again… uncertainty! That was it, definitely.

“Sure, bro.” Twitch, cringe. “I’ll stop.” Gamzee slowly withdrew his tentabulge, the wet organ sticking to the thin fabric of his pants. His nook spasmed in protest, letting out a tiny squelching sound as it relinquished the last of its counterpart. He shifted a little to hide the sound in a honk.

“…no. I meant about how it’s not wrong to… have needs, and that you wouldn’t tell anybody?” Oh, whoa, still talking about honesty and feelings…and… wait, what?

“Because…I totally have a huge wakeup wiggler right now.” Karkat covered his face with his hands. Oh. Gamzee glanced at Karkat’s ill-fitting pants. Yep, he’s being honest. Looking at it made Gamzee’s bulge throb, and he sighed. It demanded attention.

“You want to take care of that, bro? I can stay on this side, and you can have that side, and we’ll just do our thing.” Unexpected, but acceptable. Anything was, really, as long as it was soon. Karkat didn’t respond, but took the invitation with an uncharacteristically shy nod, honking the pile with the motion. Gamzee turned in response to the sound, and had a full view of his friend. Karkat unzipped his pants and coaxed his tentacle from them, rosy tipped, and modest in size. He stroked its length, seemingly unaware of Gamzee’s stare. He swirled his finger in the crimson dew gathered at the squirming tip, then wrapped his fingers around it, and slowly pulled his hand down the full length, squeezing against its tapered girth. His slim fingers dipped below, and from the breathy moan, Gamzee guessed that their destination was Karkat’s nook. Shit. That’s kind of hot. His hand wandered between his legs, and he rubbed his shameglobes through their polka dot captivity. This party is back on, motherfucker.

Glossy candy apple fingers emerged, slicking their juices across supple gray skin. Gamzee leaned forward, ready to watch Karkat’s tentacle slip into his nook… but, it didn’t. Gamzee watched those shiny cherry fingers pump firmly around Karkat’s twitching bulge, as his other hand reentered the moist opening hidden from sight. Karkat mumbled to himself, working his fingers deeper inside.

“Terezi...” he whispered as he filled himself, pausing in his motion to thumb the tip of his bulge. It curled loosely around his fingers in response. Gamzee’s nook throbbed again, and he pressed his fingers against Karkat’s lips to silence him. 

“Forget her, bro,” He cringed. Nothing hurts like keeping a secret from a friend. Sort of a bulge killer, really.

“Gamzee…” Karkat breathed the name against his fingers, startled by the sudden contact. He felt the tender skin and hard teeth as they pronounced the letters; warm breath blowing across his cool fingers. The delicate sensation sent a chill down his spine that carried straight though to his plump organ. He moaned in surprise.

“…Gamzee?” He questioned the reaction, prompting another shudder. Gamzee looked on with curious interest. His lips parted, and slowly invited the lilac fingertips into his mouth, tracing them with his tongue, tasting them. Eyelids fluttered shut, and he sighed in response. Motherfucker, that felt amazing. Gamzee wanted that feeling all over, mostly on his bulge. Where did this guy learn that kind of thing? He withdrew his damp fingers, and replaced them with his tongue. Those same fingers now grasped his tentabulge, as if they could transfer the feeling. Karkat’s eyes opened wide, and kissed back for a moment. Gentle fingers pushed his face back, leaving faint red smears across smudged grease paint. Gold eyes stared up at him, stunned. Uh oh. Karkat freaking out in five, four, three…

“I …lied to you.” Karkat’s eyes searched Gamzee’s for a moment before looking down at his hands, now folded across his lap.

“’Bout what? Don’t freak out, bro. You can tell me. I don’t judge, motherfucker. :o)” Sorry, tentacle, looks like it’s feelings time again.

“It wasn’t Terezi I was dreaming about, you idiot clown,” Karkat mumbled, his face as flushed as his confession. Oh. Never mind, tentacle, you just hang tight for a minute. 

“So that bitchtits show you were puttin’ on really was for me, motherfucker? I thought it was somethin’ secret. Get back to it then, bro.”

“Wait, you were WATCHING ME? What the FUCK Gamzee?! …Wait, how is it you are cool with this?” Karkat furrowed his brow, and kinda looked like he was going to start yelling about the romantic repercussions of quadrant jumping, and talking both of them out of this. Gamzee did not want to hear that. Kissing him before he said anything else seemed like the best way to answer. So, he did. He also reached down and squeezed the ruddy tentacle hidden below Karkat’s fingers. 

“Honk.” Karkat rolled his eyes, and smacked Gamzee’s hand away. 

“I can’t believe I’m doing this...” He took a deep, shuddering breath, and closed his eyes, his hands trembling. 

Awww yeah, here we go, motherfucker. His bulge writhed in anticipation, and he allowed it to slip along his leg, doubling back inside his neglected nook. Karkat unfastened his pants and scooched up the pile to escape them, exposing himself down to his thighs. He curled his fingers around his tapered member and… stopped. What now, motherfucker? He leaned in to kiss the side of that endearing grumpy face in encouragement.

“I… want to watch you too, Gamz. It’s not fair this way.” 

“Ain’t much to see, but you got it, bro. I don’t do all this fancy stuff you’re doing.” Gamzee kissed his lips lightly, and crawled closer, the heap below announcing his approach. His baggy pants slipped away from his thin frame, exposing his hips, threatening to remove themselves completely. Karkat reached out and cautiously stroked the small bulge barely hidden by the flimsy waistband. Gamzee smiled and sighed, encouraging Karkat. He kissed the tiny mound before him. Gamzee relaxed into the pile, finding that he had a much better view of Karkat’s nimble fingers, carefully tracing the delicate wrinkles draped across his rosy bulge. It was kind of pretty, actually. He tugged his pants away from the throbbing base of his organ, and Karkat traced along its soft flesh, exploring its curve, following it to the cleft between his legs. He let out a yelp as Karkat grasped his tentacle with a surprising firmness and gave it a tug, sliding half of it from its happy home in its sibling organ.

“Damn, bro, what do you want to do that for? I’m not messin’ up your game…” 

“WHAT. Is going on here…” It slipped out the rest of the way with a wet smack, and landed against something warm. Gamzee turned his head to see Karkat wearing a horrified face, and smudges of purple where his flicking tentabulge had freed itself to. Karkat swatted it away.

“You can’t just lie around fucking yourself Gamzee!! That’s not even supposed to be possible. You are seriously fucked up, you bulgehumping....freak of nature! If you just give it to yourself, why would you even want anyone else?” Gamzee watched the little veins bug out on his friend’s neck as his blood pressure skyrocketed. Dunno why he got so upset over that, it’s not like he did it to piss anyone off. It just seemed kind of… normal?

“… And how the fuck can you even move it like that?” Karkat was contorting the springy purple appendage into strange shapes. “Doesn’t that hurt? Fuck, it’s long enough to tie in a knot…” Long fingers grasped his wrist. Gamzee’s half lidded gaze met Karkat’s appalled one with a smile.

“If you keep doing that, I’m gonna make a mess really soon. I won’t put it in there anymore, if you don’t like it, but bro, you’re gonna have to give me a better way.” 

Gamzee winked at the bewildered face staring back at him, and turned his attention back to his friend’s abandoned tentabulge. He dabbed the glossy scarlet bead with his finger, tracing patterns against the sensitive skin, just as he’d watched Karkat do. Karkat’s whole body responded to the touch. He tossed his head, flushed cheek grazing the tentacle draped across sinewy thigh. Lilac fingertips guided his hand back to its original task. His cool fingers twined with ruddy tentacle and rosy digits alike, until Karkat teased at the needy organ of his own accord. Gamzee carefully dipped his fingers into his partner’s welcoming opening. Karkat cried out, and buried his face against Gamzee’s lap, muffling repeated calls of his friend’s name. The lithe indigo bulge flicked at the sudden contact. Karkat kissed it, encouraged by his partner’s moan. Lips brushed the weeping, needy tip, and Gamzee froze again. No way… Karkat slowly drew the organ into his mouth, grasping the base where he could take no more. Motherfucking miracles. 

Gamzee kissed every inch of skin his lips could reach, quietly moaning his gratitude with each caress of that talented tongue. He added another finger inside the cherry nook before him, and wrapped his lips around the trembling, swollen tentacle. Karkat grunted as teeth grazed his skin. This was harder than it looked. Gamzee, frustrated, reluctantly released the tentacle, unable to return the favor to his friend. Hmm. Karkat withdrew the tentacle from his own mouth with a slurp, and glanced at Gamzee, who had a positively devilish look in his eyes.

“Fuck…don’t stop now! It’s good…” Karkat looked disappointed as the fingers were quickly emptied from him. He looked embarrassed when Gamzee kissed the throbbing entrance. Gamzee had no idea what look he wore once he filled Karkat with his tongue. Teeth no longer part of the equation; he enthusiastically thanked his partner for every flick of the tongue with a matching one. Candy dipped fingers tugged a second rhythm on the squirming crimson bulge before him. Karkat’s hand floated to his face as he moaned aloud. Aubergine tentabulge plunged past lips and teeth easily as Karkat zealously resumed whatever magical thing he was doing before. Muffled moans vibrated against the thick length, bringing Gamzee to the brink of his own personal miracle. He groped frantically for the pail. Karkat didn’t let him go; instead he grabbed one of Gamzee’s horns and drove him deeper between his thighs. His free hand dragged the pail across the pile, clinking against the metal horn flares. It was a fucking miracle he made it in time. The pressure left his horn as warm fingers and even warmer lips forced his thrashing bulge into the precariously balanced bucket. Purple fluid emptied desperately into the pail mere inches from Karkat’s stunned face. 

Gamzee shuddered and felt the telltale spasms of Karkat’s cavity spilling over into orgasm as well. He withdrew his tongue and kissed the fluttering entrance lightly. Karkat was calling his name, and other things… but it felt so distant, drowning in the waves of pleasure crashing over him. The waves felt so real, he swore he could feel the sea spray. Karkat bit his lip and winced as he came all over Gamzee’s face. He lethargically turned a surprised look to his angry friend as he smudged red into his face paint absentmindedly.

“I warned you, stupid.” Karkat crossly dabbed at the mess with his sleeve. He leaned forward and the pile shifted, sending both trolls tumbling down the heap with a cacophony of honks. The pail wobbled, sloshed, and finally settled miraculously upright with the most perverse wet metallic rattle. Gamzee wrapped his arms around the smaller troll and hugged him ferociously before he had time to complain. Mere moments passed before there was a loud knock at the door of Karkat’s respiteblock.

“Wiill you 2top throwiing a tantrum, you pedantiic wriiggler?? II can’t iignore a whole hour of that honkiing 2hiit. Plea2e tell me you diidn’t 2ign up for that 2tupiid clown reliigiion.” The two trolls stared at each other silently as the door of Karkat’s room opened. Karkat put a finger up to his lips to shoosh his friend as the trickster stifled a giggle. Gamzee wiped his face in Karkat’s hair.

“KK, ii know you’re over here. Quiit 2ulking already…” Sollux’s footsteps shuffled to the open door between rooms. Karkat looked like he was going to hyperventilate as Gamzee picked up a former pile member. 

“HONK. :o)” The Cancer buried his face in his hands. 

“Gamzee, II 2hould have gue22ed iit wa2 ju2t you. Have you 2een… .” He nearly tripped over the purple sloshy bucket. His eyes skimmed the situation with vision twofold.

“OH. You guy2 are …bu2y. Ii can 2ee thii2 i2 a bad tiime; II’ll come back,” Sollux shot before dashing out of the room. He turned, stuck his head back through the doorway, and looked Karkat in the eye.

“… and KK, don’t expect two ever hear the end of thii2.”

Karkat was blushing all the way to his ears as Gamzee squeezed him against his chest, not so platonically this time. He petted the short, soft hair and rubbed the nubby little horns nested within. Oh, hey, there sure is a lot of motherfuckin… stuff? Goo? Gamzee never did settle on a good name to call that stuff. It never really mattered when you dumped it down a shower drain. He kept petting anyway. Karkat stopped shaking with anger and allowed himself to be soothed by his friend. He relaxed his facepalmed hands, and as they fell to his sides, he tapped a horn, producing the tiniest, indignant little honk.

“Maybe not the horn pile next time?” Karkat turned the thing over in his hands. Gamzee busily scrubbed his face with the sleeve of his t-shirt.

“It can all be anywhere you want next time, dog. Like, maybe all up in the ablution trap in ten minutes?” The huge grin he wore looked even more stupid now that his face was mostly devoid of greasepaint.

“HELL NO.” Karkat rubbed his eyes. “I just woke up, and I’m tired again. Fuck you.”

“But, bro, it’s your fault I all need to wash up. Can’t you at least give a motherfucker a hand?" :o( No one can say no to a sad clown!

Karkat squinted at him. “Fine. I’ll help you wash your face. And maybe your shirt. No, not your shirt. Just throw that away, I don’t think I could ever look at you again thinking that might be the shirt you just smeared my spooge all over. I tasted vomit in the back of my mouth just saying it now.”

“Whatever you say bro!” Gamzee trotted off to the bathroom, with his reluctant friend in tow.


	2. miind your own busiine22

Karkat had no answer when Sollux returned an hour later, complaining that there was no fucking hot water left. Why did he have to call it FUCKING hot water? Was he just asking about it rhetorically? It didn’t help when Gamzee strolled out of the bathroom wearing nothing but fresh face paint, a loosely draped towel, and a big smile.

“Hey Solbro!” Gamzee waved, and the towel and the smile both slipped for a moment. He fumbled to regain the towel, and the smile followed on its own. Karkat facepalmed, his still-damp hair flicking droplets across his husktop screen.

“Go put some pants on, Gamzee.”

“You got it, motherfucker! Honk!” He actually said the honk. Wtf.

As soon as he drifted out of the room, Sollux dropped his voice to a low whisper.

“Um, so, liike, where diid he get tho2e ab2?”

“I will pop your eyes like little blue and red grapes if you check out my moirail again, you lisping fuck.”

“Moiiraiil, riiiight. That’2 not what II 2aw wiith my fruiity 2eeiing orb2….”

“Can it and get lost before I show you your imminent death by my blades.”

“Oohh, 2en2iitiive, aren’t we? Twiice iin an hour must be a2 chaffiing a2 your per2onaliity.”

“Says the guy who incessantly fondles himself…wait-I didn’t mate with him, and certainly not twice. Did you block out that the bucket you oh-so-observantly almost overturned had only one color in it? I helped him wash himself. It’s nothing new. Otherwise he just spaces out and the water gets cold. Don’t you ever bathe with Aradia?“

“ The water ii2 cold anyway! You don’t need two liie. II 2aw you huggiing your bro with no pants on eiither of you. Ii diidn’t really care two double-check your erotiic acce22oriie2 for veriifiicatiion.” Sollux coughed. “And no. Nudiity ii2 over the liine for u2. Be2iide2, we triied changiing iin the 2ame room and 2he ha2 really niice boob2. Liike, really niice.” He gestured with his hands, approximating the size. “II’m sure you’ve notiiced two. Bathiing would be really awkward. II don’t wanna do her, but …” Karkat frantically waved to cut him off.

“Wow, ok, a ‘no’ would have sufficed. This is not a conversation about Aradia’s grade-A vestigial chest humps. Gotcha, you guys have set strict guidelines on acceptable behavior, which is totally normal for a longstanding moiraillegiance. Pardon me for not having the time to sit and write a rulebook with a retarded clown.”

“The poiint wa2…” Sollux continued, “That II don’t want two do her. Ever. Becau2e II jus2t don’t. II don’t feel that way toward2 her. II don’t want two waste my tiime banging her when we need two be 2ortiing out each other’2 problem2. Iit’2 clear two me. 2o… “ Sollux, paused, then decided to take a shot at the gigantic trunkbeast in the room. “are you guy2 actually pale or flu2hed?” 

Karkat stared hard at his keyboard, his claw picking furiously at the semicolon key as if the answers to his life were written on the underside of it. It popped off and clattered across the tabletop. Sollux tamped his hand over it and stared at him.

“Um, pink?”

“2ound2 liike you’re makiing 2hiit up. Ii don’t have two be 2ome 2ort of romance nerd liike you two know that’2 not a quadrant. How long ha2 thii2 been goiing on? And quiit that, a22hole.”

“It’s possible to start a relationship in one quadrant, then progress to another.” Karkat replied automatically, prying up the space bar on one corner.

“Yeah, but you can’t ju2t 2traddle the liine! What’2 the matter, can’t play by your own rule2, KK?”

“Fuck, Sollux. This literally just happened! Do I barge in while you’re taking a fresh steaming shit on the load gaper and go on about how you have to fucking flush it before you’ve even finished expelling it from your waste chute?”

“Thank2 for that beautiiful iimage. Now II know what you 2pend your day2 thiinkiing about.”

“Fuck you for that! I know I am the undisputed romance expert here, but give it a break! I don’t know what to think! Do you think this is what I planned? Fuck no. The universe has decided to make a clusterfuck mess out of yet another aspect of my miserable existence. Nothing can ever be simple for Karkat Vantas! I’m not so stupid as to think life can actually be like a goddamn movie, Sollux. I already have an idiot clown with self-inflicted holes in his brain for a moirail. If I’m ever lucky enough to have a matesprit and a kismesis at the same time, they’ll probably freak out and kill each other rather than share time with me, or worse, I’ll end up auspicizing between them, thusly nulling both my concuspient quadrants…”

“Oh, that’2 what you iimagine? Beiing 2hared?”

“Oh, hell no, fuckass. Really, that’s what you’re gonna take away from this talk? Do all those voices in your head make it too hard to listen? At least I know you’re not trying to edge in on my pale quadrant, you insufferable dual-natured bulgelicker.”

“2top, KK, 2top seducing me wiith your 2weet nothiing2, you troll Ca22anova.”

“Ok, this conversation is officially over. Get the fuck out of my room before I throw you out, in pieces.”

“A2 iif you ever could, KK. II’m leaviing becau2e II want two.” Sollux opened the door with a crackle of psionics for emphasis, and casually strode toward the hallway.

“Wait! … Are we still fr-fri-“ Karkat wrung his hands, clutching the detached spacebar nervously. It must be really hilarious how helpless he looked in the face of his own fuckups.

“You a2k me that every tiime, nookfondler. Ye2. Goodbye.” Sollux left, shutting the door behind him none too gently.

Karkat sat in the silence for a good long time. Long enough to figure out that Gamzee must’ve left his block. A quick peek verified his assumption. Karkat heaved a sigh and began tidying the room, chucking horns back in the center. It took all his willpower not to chuck them in the incinerator. As he was dumping the contents of the abandoned pail down the ablution trap drain, he heard his Trollian ping the arrival of some douchebag needing a chunk of his personal time without the gall to do it to his face.


	3. blue popsicles

Karkat hadn’t said much in the ablution trap. It’s never good when that motherfucker gets his quiet on for too long, it’s like all that hate boils up inside him like a kettle and then he blows. So, if he wanted to get to talking with Solbro, Gamzee was ok with that. He slipped quietly out the door and walked to the nutrition block. Halfway there, he realized he forgot to put on shoes. Man, the metal floors were bitchtits cold! Upon arriving, he opened the freezer and took out a popsicle. Maybe if his mouth was all up and colder than his feet, they’d feel warm again? He sat on the chair, and pulled his feet up to a crouch position, and opened the popsicle. Whatever flavor the white paper contained was sure to be exactly the flavor he wanted to eat. That’s just the way things work, like destiny or something. He tore off the paper slowly, like a sugary striptease. Blue. There’s no fruit that color, but the popsicle doesn’t care! It just goes on tasting like raspberries, not giving a fuck about being the most unnatural shade ever chosen for a fruit. If Gamzee closed his eyes, he could imagine that the popsicle was a pretty red, like the flavor told him, but when he opened his eyes, it was like WHOA did you forget I’m blue? Motherfuckin miracles.

Gamzee closed his eyes again, convincing himself that the popsicle was red again. He winced when the ice made his teeth all cold. Hmm. He slurped the entire length into his mouth slowly, carefully avoiding scraping the frosty surface with his fangs. After a couple of licks, he smiled around the pop. This wasn’t so hard, after all. Then he opened his eyes again, the blue was staring at him again. This time, it wasn’t just the icy bits clinging to the stick, but none other than his teal sis giving him a suspicious look, leaning casually against the doorframe.

“You sure were enjoying that popsicle. Looks like it’s all melted now, so shouldn’t you be moving along, murderer?”

Gamzee fixed a stare in her direction, colder than his feet, colder than his snack. The chill carried all the way to his deep voice as he spoke.

“I was just on my way to the observation deck, sister. If you’d BE ALL getting OUT of my WAY,” he snarled as he approached the exit. He loomed over her as she just cackled her stupid laugh and didn’t move out of the way enough to let him through without brushing against her.

He burned with rage as he climbed up the stairs to the deck. Storming to the edge of the platform, he sat down roughly. Gamzee clutched his feet tightly and stared up at the sparkly little dots until he felt like he could breathe again without every puff of air screaming killKILLkill. It was a long time. He smiled in spite of himself as the glitter began to form pictures. He saw a bear, but sort of with a long tail, and a guy with a crooked belt. Then, when he squinted, there was a pale miracle crab up in the sky looking down on him, making him focus so hard to see it that he forgot everything else. 

“Solitary, huh? That could work.” Terezi stood next to him, seemingly unintimidated that even sitting, his head came up to her shoulder.

“I’m not alone, lawsis. There’s a guy, and a bear up there.” Gamzee pointed to the horizon at his new friends.

“Yeah, sure, whatever dumb thing you say you see. But they’re over there. What are you looking at over here?”

“If I squint I can see a crab, real faint-like.”

“A pale crab? I thought crabs were RED.” Terezi took a deep sniff. “ I guess I can see it. But it doesn’t smell like anything worthwhile. Almost like you’re …forcing it?”

“It’s ALWAYS been UP THERE, it just TOOK me a WHILE to motherfuckin FIND it.” Gamzee clenched his fists and turned to face his unwanted company.

Instead of words, he was met with a clash of snarly fanged mouth on his, an aggressive kiss. Gamzee let his killing urge slip into something equally basic as he grabbed her shoulders and slipped his tongue past her sharky teeth. He ran his hands down her chest, and swirled circles with his thumbs against her grubleg nubs. So much easier to find on girls. Terezi gasped lightly, placing her hands over his, pressing them harder against herself. Gamzee roughly kneaded the soft bosoms, growling in the back of his throat. Terezi fisted one hand in his tangled mop of hair and moaned into his mouth. When they broke the kiss, both breathless, he glanced down to see a flick of motion from between her thighs. He pushed her chest back until she was standing again, and palmed her bulge for a moment, glancing up at her through his unruly locks. Her face was flushed and her breathing hitched at every caress, but it was with a calm tone that she spoke.

“Trying to bribe the court? That doesn’t surprise me. I’m watching your every move.” She flexed a white-knuckled hand clutching her cane.

“Ain’t done nothing I wasn’t all UP and SUPPOSED to, so there’s nothing to SEE, blindsis. We MAKE the law around HERE. We ARE the LAW.”

“You’re a dangerous troll, Makara. I plan to-“ Gamzee pulled the waist of her pants down to her knees. He caressed the curve of her inner thighs, but she slapped his hand away from her nook. She said no more, but gave him a threatening stare, as much as a blind girl can, anyway. He spared her a toothy open-mouthed smile for a moment, then stuck his tongue out and pressed it to the tip of her bulge. The color really was, very much, like that liar popsicle. A sharp breath was her only response, and Gamzee interpreted it as permission. He licked down the length, then yawned his mouth open and took in the petite bulge. He felt something hard slide down his stomach and hover around his waistband a moment, before slipping in. Terezi rubbed the rounded tip of her cane directly against his nook. With a half-purr half-growl, he sucked wetly on the teal organ, grinding against the maddening but useless pressure against his opening. Very carefully, very purposefully, he dragged the barest tips of his fangs against her shameglobes. He was rewarded with a sudden hard pull on his horn and Terezi thrusting her bulge straight down his throat. She withdrew the cane suddenly, instead toeing him through the thin fabric of his pants. She fucked his mouth for a few thrusts, then pulled his head sharply back, far enough to make eye contact.

“Are you so desperate to please me? The court denies your pathetic bribe---” She bucked involuntarily as he continued to toy with the tip of her bulge, smiling threateningly around it, pinning it in place with his teeth. “ You don’t deserve love, Gamzee. You don’t deserve friends. I am going to take them all away until you're alone, Makara. Especially that cherry idiot who just left his scent all over you.” 

Gamzee spat the bulge from his lips and snarled.

“What EXACTLY are you motherfucking UP and THREATENING K—“ Terezi cut him short by kicking him hard in the crotch. As he doubled over, she drubbed him soundly on the back of the head. His unconscious frame crumpled to the ground sideways. She spared a long look-sniff at the slowly retreating bulge still writhing under the polka dot fabric as she tugged her pants back up.

“Too easy.” She tossed a glance over her shoulder. “Did you enjoy the show? I know you’re been there the whole time. You really have no tact.”


	4. FUCK OFF, ERIDAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like so many before me, I can't make the text colors work. Please enjoy my monochrome Trollian.

carcinoGeneicist is idle for 1:13:58 hours

\--caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

CA: Kar I need your kelp bad.

CA: I knoww you’re there. No one’s sean you in the lab.

CA: You’re probably wwatchin your codawwful movvies.

CA: Are you for reel not there? Wwhat am I gonna do?

CG: CAN’T.A.GUY.CLEAN.HIS.BLOCK.FOR.AN.HOUR.WITHOUT.SOMEONE.FLIPPING.THEIR.SHIT?

CG: I’M.HERE.GODDAMN.IT.WHAT.DO.YOU.WANT.

CA: I need your kelp. Right noww. I can’t ask nobody else, its codda be you.

CG: NO.NO.NO.I.CAN’T.DO.THIS.RIGHT.NOW...I.WON’T.HELP.YOU…I.DENOUNCE.MY.TITLE.AS.THE. RELATIONSHIP.GENIUS…IDIOT.SAVAANT.IS.PROBABLY.MORE.LIKE.IT.ANYWAY.

CG: MY.LIFE.IS.FUCKED.UP.ENOUGH.RIGHT.NOW.

CA: It’s not reely relationship problems I’m havvin right noww…

CG: IF.I.WERE.TO.SERVE.YOU.A.HEAPING.PLATE.OF.MY.NORMALLY.DELECTABLE.ADVICE.YOU.WOULD.  
SEND.IT.BACK.TO.THE.FUCKING.KITCHEN.AND.SAY.OH,.NO.SIR,.I.THINK.THIS.HAS.GONE.A.BIT.OFF…AND.  
POSSIBLY.DEMAND.TO.SEE.THE.MANAGER.FOR.A.REFUND.

CG: I.AM.NOT.ABOUT.TO.START.A.GRUBOLA.EPIDEMIC.

CA: Somefin wwrong wwith your computer there, Kar? Your wwords all havve dots betwween ‘em. I wwas ignorin it before but its reely annoying. Still havvin a problem here…

CG: MY.SPACE.KEY.IS.COMPROMISED.

CG: LOOK…YOU.HAVE.TEN.WORDS.TO.PIQUE.MY.INTEREST.OR.I’M.SIGNING.OFF.

CA: You should havve Sollux come take a look at it, he’s great wwith that shit.

GC: WRONG.ANSWER.

GC: SOLLUX.IS.A.DOUCHEBAG..AND.I.AM.EVERY.BIT.AS.CAPABLE.AS.HE.IS.

GC: BY.THE.WAY.FUCKASS.YOU.WASTED.YOUR.TEN.WORDS.

\--carcinoGenetecist [CG]ceased trolling caligulasAquarim [CA]--

Karkat sat back in the pile in his room. That was an asshole move, even for him. But, Eridan was so clingy ever since he came back... actually, everything was mostly the same. When Sollux and Aradia left, they were on a mission. Of course, they didn’t tell anyone. They basically found a reset button of some sort to grant an extra life to the players. And of course, Sollux just hacked the game to bring the other trolls back. It was that simple. Right. Now everyone thought they owed him some sort of favor or respect. It was a good thing Karkat had renounced his leadership, because it was getting obnoxious wading through all that hero-worship. And things were… weird. Everybody had still flipped their shit and killed each other. Eridan spent entire days doing nothing but apologizing to Feferi, who just smiled and told him it was ok, but you could see it was wearing her cheerful personality down. Nepeta and Equius wouldn’t go near Gamzee at all. Equius felt no ill will against the highblood who rightly killed him, but Nepeta would bristle with rage. It was nice to not be stalked all the time, but Karkat felt guilty for ordering the sweaty idiot to his death. Vriska just grinned like tool for having the luck to beat permanent death. She dragged Tavros around like a toy, and it seemed like he didn’t mind it anymore. Karkat was pretty sure that she was just using him as a shield against Eridan’s constant advances at rekindling their old kismestitude, which is exactly why he closed his husktop. You can only tell Eridan something eleven times or so before it becomes apparent that he’s not really listening.

He flipped open the husktop again long enough to change his mood to “==> Karkat, be predictable”

He shoved in whatever moviegrub was closest and curled up in his pile to watch it. Fuck everyone, seriously.

When he opened his eyes again, the end credits were rolling. Whoops, must’ve fallen asleep. Dreams were strange now without anyone’s real dead self to find. It was just copies and copies of people that acted in ways the real ones never would. Except Vriska. While she was dead, she managed to get all her doomed timeline selves in 'cahoooooooots' with each other, and they’d all harass anyone they found. Karkat would rather cut off his own bulge and bleed to death in a hideous pool of his blasphemous blood then stay asleep once he saw her.

He rubbed his eyes and stretched. It felt late, and Gamzee’s block was still silent. As much as he totally wanted to avoid even thinking about the mess he’d just made of their perfectly good pale relationship, it was probably better to have a feelings jam. After all, Gamzee would probably just dump him, or forget that it had ever happened, and future Karkat would hate him for bringing it up when they could’ve just swept it under the proverbial carpet. Maybe he’d just go up to the deck, and scowl at the stars. At least there he felt as insignificant as his life probably really was.


	5. short chapters move the story forward too, you know

Rose smiled knowingly. “That looked dangerous.”

“From one Seer to another, you know there was no real threat.”

“I’m not concerned whether or not Gamzee was going to bite your sensitive alien genitals. I’m normally not one for casual spoilers, but your powers can’t penetrate the chucklevoodoos, you know. He isn’t the Bard of Rage for no reason at all.” 

“Mmm, maybe that’s what I like about it? It’s nice to have a challenge. Besides, I’ll be far away when they hit.”

“I’m certain my brother would be happy to give you more trouble.”

“I know “troll romance” is really hard for you one-quadrant humans to get, but this ‘monogamy’ thing you guys keep telling us about seems a whole lot lamer. Besides, Dave isn’t dangerous. Dave is enough trouble, but in a totally pitiful way.”

“I would pay good money to see you tell Dave that to his face.”

“You know, I think I just might!” Terezi cackled, walking eagerly toward the stairs. Rose looked pointedly at the sleeping troll for a moment before turning to follow Terezi.

“I don’t believe that will achieve your desired effect, though. I assume you mean that to be a declaration of official relationship? Don’t think Mr. Strider will drop his panties over your sudden proclamation.”

“Well, then, I’ll just have to tear them off him.”


	6. a Moirail's job is never really done, or, the chapter I forgot to title

Karkat heard voices, and quickly shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at his shoes as Terezi and Rose appeared on the stairs. He’d made it all this way without running into anyone, only to walk straight into a conversation he was POSITIVE he did not want to hear, judging by those lingering words…

“Hey, Karkles,” Terezi elbowed him lightly as he attempted to pass without acknowledging them at all.

“Dave wants to talk to you tonight, in the lounge. Can I tell him you’ll be there?” Rose smiled lightly, making sure to hold his attention.

“Um, yeah, whatever. Sure, I guess.” 

The girls brushed past, talking in hushed tones as Karkat climbed the stairs two by two. He stopped cold as he arrived at the top. Yeah, he wasn’t ready to talk to that idiot yet. Karkat turned around to go back downstairs, but then, he really didn’t want to talk to Dave either. Seriously, how could Gamzee just fall asleep up here?

Heaving an exasperated sigh, Karkat walked over to his friend. So… he was out cold, but he didn’t look relaxed. He was grinding his teeth and his brow was furrowed. Karkat papped the scowl away, but mostly just smeared greasepaint around. He grabbed the hem of Gamzee’s shirt and wiped his hand off on the inside. Gamzee didn’t ever stir. He must be having one hell of a nightmare. He mumbled in his sleep, and it sounded vaguely murderous. Karkat put a finger against his mouth to shoosh him, but the words kept slipping around it. The smaller troll made a little tongue click in annoyance, and looked around the deck. Completely alone. He leaned forward and placed a tiny kiss on the murmuring lips. They stilled for a moment as he felt his face flush red. Karkat pulled back and scrunched up his face, scratching his claws in his hair furiously as if he could intimidate the blush away, then scowled at nothing in particular before leaning in to chase each vicious word away with butterfly kisses. 

Karkat would never admit to anyone that he may have lingered a bit longer at his friend’s lips with each kiss. Hell no. Gamzee’s expression softened after a minute, and Karkat sat, playing with long wavy tendrils of hair until the lazy smile crept back on his friend’s face. Karkat was grinning like an idiot for a minute too, until he caught himself and forced a neutral expression. How the fuck was he going to get Gamzee back down to his block? The huge troll had obviously tucked in for the night, in the most inconvenient of places. Karkat looked around the deck again, then sized up the sleeping mess next to him. The transportalizer was maybe thirty steps away, and then it would only be a few more steps until he could get to his block. But, he’d end up walking right through the lab, which is always full of bulgehumping morons. And Sollux. There was no way he could carry anything of Gamzee’s size all the way back to his block the same way he came. Karkat leaned against Gamzee and curled in on himself the best he could while he waited for him to wake the hell up. Someone had to be here in case that nightmare didn’t stop just because he opened his eyes, right? A moirail’s job is never really done. As his eyelids grew heavy, his palmhusk vibrated.

\--apocalypseArisen began trolling carcinoGeneticist --

AA: Just use a **fireman’s carry**. D0n’t y0u have s0mewhere else t0 be?

\--apocalypseArisen ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist--

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A FIREMAN?

Against his better judgement, he opened the link. Oh.

CG: UM, THANKS.

\--caricinoGeneticist ceased trolling apocalypseArisen--

Aradia was still as creepy as ever. Would’ve been useful to know that when… Karkat shook his head. Past Karkat was an enormous fuckup, and he really didn’t want to dwell on the events of that particular evening. It all culminated in his moiraillegiance with Gamzee anyway… which he had now completely ignored the boundaries of. Present Karkat was apparently also an enormous fuckup.

“Stop being such a grubfucker and just get this over with, already,” Karkat mumbled as he stood up and brushed off his pants. Fumbling, he managed to scrape his useless friend off the ground into a somewhat upright position. He grabbed a limp lanky arm and slung it over his shoulder. He took another distasteful look around the empty deck for onlookers, then slid his arm gruffly between Gamzee’s thighs, and heaved him onto his shoulders. His legs were barely off the ground. Fuck being short. Karkat managed a whole two jarring steps. This is totally possible.

“Bro… where are you, all, up and taking me?” A deep voice over his shoulder gave him such a scare that a lesser troll would’ve emptied their waste chute. But not Karkat. He just sort of dropped him, a little. It wasn’t that far of a fall, really. Really, more of a slide, and he landed on his butt anyway, so who really cares?

“What the actual fuck, Gamzee?! How long were you awake?” Karkat opened his mouth to apologize, but that’s what came out. Whoops.

“Dunno, bro. I just thought you were all hugging me and all, but like got it wrong? My head hurts, motherfucker.” Goddamn that sad clown face.

“You idiot,” Karkat hugged Gamzee around the neck, nuzzling the top of his head with his chin. Gamzee wrapped his arms languidly around his tiny friend. Karkat noted that Gamzee was able to rest his hands on his own elbows. Fucking mutant blood, will he never grow? The universe will probably see to it that he’s culled before he ever sees his next molt anyway. He held tightly to his friend as he stroked nubby claws along his spine. Gamzee mumbled something into his shirt. Karkat petted his head and made soft shooshing sounds. Suddenly, Gamzee grabbed his hips hard enough to startle him.

“…Can’t breathe, motherfucker!” Gamzee wheezed. Oh, maybe hugging your friends so hard they could pop isn’t so good an idea? Karkat let go of Gamzee completely, and looked down at his shirt, all a-smear with juggalo face. He looked back at his friend, who was very intent on greedily sucking in the sweet, free air. His elegant features were only enhanced by the light indigo flush that had crept up all the way to his high cheekbones. The three stripes across his straight nose had somehow not ruined its form. His damaged eyelid never opened all the way anymore, but that was only apparent when his eyes were bugging out after being nearly choked to death by his best friend. Whoops again. Maybe he should stop staring and do something? He ran his hand down Gamzee’s surprisingly toned arm, maybe a little too slowly, and grabbed his hand. 

“Come on, let’s get you somewhere you can sleep. What were you even doing up here, anyway?" 

“I had a motherfucking blue popsicle, and then-“ Gamzee looked really guilty. 

“I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT THOSE STUPID THINGS. They’re full of sugar and then you fell the fuck to sleep? God, I hope you weren’t in a human diabetic coma or anything. I read about those the other day. Is that shit contagious? Are there any interspecies communicable diseases? Do trolls even have an equivalent noncommunicable disease? I should’ve looked into all that before everything on Alternia was destroyed. Now you’re going to die slowly because I don’t know how to fix you or--" 

Gamzee planted a chaste kiss on the hand holding his. 

“Bro, it’ll be motherfucking okay. Can we find a bitchtits quiet place to get our sleep on? My head…” The frown marring his mostly paintless face spoiled its beauty more than any scar could. It made Karkat’s bloodpusher feel tight. He just nodded and helped Gamzee to his feet. He guided the lanky boy by the hand to the transporter, his angry legs taking three steps for Gamzee’s every two. Who gives half a bleeding fuck about who’s down there? Karkat was actually more concerned about Gamzee’s lack of makeup than the pale PDA. He decided not to tell him how much was gone, and just wash his face for him when they got to their block. Appearances to keep up, and all. Without another thought, they were reappearing in the computer lab. Karkat closed his eyes as he counted the steps to the second transporter. He could feel the stares through his eyelids. 

“Uh, hey, KK, we were ju2t-“ 

Karkat kept walking silently. Five, four, three, two… he opened his eyes and took the step up onto the platform, dragging a lanky, drowsy clown a step behind. He disappeared halfway through whatever unsolicited thing that bulgelicker wanted to say. 

“Uh, Karbro? You ok?” Gamzee looked at him curiously as they stood in the room of transportilizers to the private quarters. Karkat looked at him and grunted, lips clamped tightly shut and a slight blush on his face. He let out all the air he was holding in, and sighed. Yeah, sometimes he still held his breath to shut up, okay? What’s it to YOU anyway? Stop breaking the fourth wall already. 

“I’m fucking perfect like always, you mirthful doofus.” Karkat stepped back and pulled Gamzee onto the Cancer platform with him. The clown leaned heavily on him as they entered his room. The movie grub had apparently been auto-repeating since he left. It cast a flickering light across his pathetic tiny pile. That’s not going to accommodate two trolls of any size. Hmm… 

“Here, sleep on this flat awful thing.” Karkat marched over to the human bed that was put in his room without permission. Kanaya and Rose had gone on a ‘remodeling spree’ whatever the fuck THAT was. As a result, his block was crammed with a bunch of uselessly fancy stuff. The TV was nice, and he liked the leather desk chair, but the rest could just burn in a giant bonfire as far as he was concerned. Anyway, this soft platform for squishy humans looked big enough for his ginormous sentient problem at hand, and that was a good enough qualifier. It was getting really late anyway. Flashing lights broke his train of thought. 

“Gamzee, seriously, do NOT captchalogue my shit.” His friend was staring bleary-eyed at a completely useless human decorative vase zooming through his miracle modus. Okay, fine, he can have that. 

Karkat messed the honkbeast-feather human comforter into a lump, and tossed the head support rectangles on top. Better than nothing. He pushed Gamzee into it with a soft thud. 

“You sleep, I’ll be back before you wake up. ” 

“Where up all are um, all gonna … you motherfuckin go?” 

“Gamzee, that didn’t even make any sense. Go back to sleep. I’m just going to the lounge so you can get some quiet time.” He pet Gamzee’s head a few times. He was asleep before he said anything else. Just a stupid smile stuck on his stupid beautiful face. Karkat left the room quietly, promising himself he’d be back soon.


	7. ==> Fuck off, Eridan

“Sup.” Dave’s pokerface turned in the general direction of the perceived intrusion. Apparently, getting a reaction at all meant you surprised the fuck out of him.

“Oh, hey. II diidn’t know anyone el2e wa2 gonna be here thii2 late.”

“So, you’re telling me that if you knew I was here, you wouldn’t have come? That hurts, Zero Cool. Are you trying to break up with me?” The blonde boy crossed his arms in a mockery of sulking.

“II never really know what you are talkiing about. Who ii2 Zero Cool?” Sollux shuffled lazily across the room and sat down at a terminal a respectful distance from Dave. 

“Don’t make me explain it, just go with it.” He stretched his arms before melting back into his disintersted slouch. 

Just then, Sollux heard a tiny noise come from Dave’s computer. An unmistakable noise.

Sollux spun casually in his chair to view Dave’s screen. Some cinema player in the corner, minimized. Gotcha. Using psionics, he carefully nudged Dave’s hand to open fullscreen mode.

He was not prepared to see that much pink flesh on the screen.

“Oh my god, Dave, ii2 that a human matiing riitual?”

“Yep.”

“That2’ 2o… gro22. What are tho2e na2ty 2wiingy thiing2?”

“Testicles.“

“Do they ju2t, hang out liike that all the tiime?” Sollux was up out of his chair, and scrutinizing the horrors on the screen in front of him.

“Yeah, that’s what balls do, generally.”

“Why doe2n’t the other one have them? And what ii2 that thing he ii2 putting iin …her… nook? No… her wa2techute?!”

“One, it’s a girl. Two, it’s a penis.”

“Okay, human2 are gro22 mammal2, II remember that now. This ii2… normal… relatiion2 for your 2peciie2?”

“Human babymaking in action, happens just like that every single time.”

“Oh eeww… II diidn’t need two be remiinded about beariing liive young.”

“I have a video of that too, if you want to see.”

“No Dave. You can keep your mammaliian perver2iion2 two your2elf.”

“Is troll porn really so much better?”

“II don’t watch that 2tuff. You 2hould go a2k ED, II thiink he ha2 enough two cra2h the databa2e.”

“I bet you could just hack it. You’re curious now that I brought it up. It’s got whatever freaky alien junk you’ve got down there all atwitter."

“II wiill hack iit becau2e II feel liike iit. Thii2 ii2 obviiou2ly a plea for help two temper your va2t lack of knowledge on troll 2exual relatiion2. II wiill do thii2 a2 a favor two you. Plea2e don’t cry liike a human baby when you don’t under2tand what’2 goiing on.”

“You better back up that talk with some grade A porn, amigo. I specifically request that my world be rocked, my mind be scarred, and my giant beef thermometer be screaming hot and ready.”

“2hut up already, II got two. “ Sollux locked the door with an arc of blue energy. “II don’t feel liike explaiining what II am doiing riight now, 2iince II don’t know why my2elf.”

“Ooh, kinky. Please, be gentle. I’m underage for my species.”

“You have the wrong iidea about a lot of thiing2, don’t you? Brace yourself, thii2 ii2 probably 2eadweller porn. IIt’2 hard two tell, 2iince ALL the entriie2 were iin hii2 per2onal 2hade of purple. Narcii- Narcii2ii2t-fuck. He’2 2o full of hiim2elf.”

“Is it any different than normal?"

“We’re about two fiind out.” Sollux clicked the play button.

An amateur video began playing, albeit good quality. A slender, androgynous troll in a purple corset and thigh highs walked into view and sat down in a chair center screen. Part of her(? ) face was visible; the top half was obscured by a domino mask, and the camera cut off before her horns.

“I think this is a screen test or private video or something… it’s only seven minutes long. Let me find a better one.”

“Dude, trolls look like ken dolls! Where the hell is the happy factory?” Dave scooted his chair over and leaned a little closer, as if there was anything to see by zooming in.  
Sollux rolled his eyes. Looks like this is all the human kid can handle for now.

The troll on screen parted her thighs and ran perfectly manicured claws across shapely lips, wetting fingers with a purple tongue. Yep, seadweller, as if her clothing didn’t already give it away. Eridan was such a bigot. 

A thick bulge descended readily from beneath her bone bulge into her waiting hand. The squirming organ revealed the serrated cartilage fins that sort of spiraled down the length. The anonymous seadweller greedily stuffed two fingers in her nook, and even in the dim light, the juices dripping down her wrist were visibly purple.

”Girl2 don’t u2ually have bulge2 that biig… mu2t be a 2ea thiing?”

“Uh huh, good to know.” Dave swallowed hard.

Onscreen, the girl worked herself hard, like a true wannabe star; pinching fins and tugging tentacular loops of bulge through fingers. She pulled her bulge up against her stomach, glossy shameglobes framing the opening she put on full display. She slipped a slim white dildo inside her nook, its pale color setting of the rather high purple she slicked all over it. A few soft, deep moans slipped out as she rocked herself(? Sollux was so sure it was a girl, but that voice was weird. Did it really matter?) feverishly on the toy. A hand reached off screen for a moment, bringing with it… a small glass pail. 

“Holy crap, a clear one? ED’2 got 2ome na2ty ta2te!”

“Thought you didn’t watch this stuff. What’s …she? gonna do with that…?”

“II’m the one who know2 what’2 about two happen. 2hut up and watch.”

The troll onscreen delicately held the bucket with thumb and forefinger, and used her free fingers to point the tip of her bulge at the wall of the bucket. Maybe this wasn’t amateur… the camera had a perfect view of the cloudy purple pearls already dripping. She? jerked the base of her bulge hard with her free hand and came with a gruff yelp, thrusting shameglobes against fist with each pulse of thick fluid that spurted from his? ridged bulge. Her hand uncurled from her spent bulge and wiped away a few beads of purple sweat that trickled town his cheek. She sat breathing heavily for a moment, shoulders sloped, idly teasing a drop of come clinging to the tip of his? bulge. She pulled the dildo out with a wet smack and let out a distinctly male moan, lustier than his apparent satisfaction warranted.

“Ohh…Fef.”

“ HOLY 2HIIT THAT’2 ED!!!! "

“OH MY GOD TURN IT OFF!”

Sollux felt his blood run cold as Eridan pushed up the mask and ran his fingers though his hair in one elegant motion. He set the nearly full pail down on the floor and reached forward and clicked off the camera.

Sollux and Dave passed a single second of horrified looks between each other before the second video began playing. They both dove for the mouse at the same time, effectively preventing each other from hitting it. A brief but desperate struggle to stop the video player ensued as a masked Eridan strapped on a purple leather harness.

Suddenly the transporter flared up, and none other than Karkat the Prude came marching through. Dave coughed to cover the sounds onscreen as he finally mashed the elusive little x in the corner.

“Uh, hey, KK, we were ju2t-“

Karkat kept on walking. Sollux raised his eyebrows when he saw that Karkat wasn’t just walking next to Gamzee, but practically dragging him to the private blocks. Maybe not such a prude after all. 

“Well, that’s my bus, gotta go catch it at the next stop.” Dave got up and disappeared a moment later, leaving the chair spinning with a flourish. Sollux sat alone in the room, deeply unsettled by the events he’d just witnessed.


	8. awkward times in coolville

Dave sat in the lounge, staring into the greasy film on the top of his koffee. It wasn’t really coffee, hence the k, but it ironically sounded just like ‘coffee’ when you said it out loud. He’d rather think about stupid ironic jokes that he’ll never explain than dwell on the events of the last ten minutes. That was a nasty little introduction to a whole new world Dave wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to delve into. He and Terezi hovered around the matesprit zone, and obviously, the next step was to get the fuck to the bedroom and get down to it. Dave put the brakes on once or twice, and she didn’t really push it. It was best to know what to expect so he didn’t lose that perfect Strider cool. But now, after seeing the motherfucking Kraken spit the seven fucking seas into a goddamn jar, Dave was aware of just how little he knew at all. Karkat wouldn’t arrive for another nine minutes and fourteen seconds, and Dave could really use a pep talk. If Rose could frivolously use her powers to tell him when to catch Karkat when he wasn’t playing wraparound to his pet murderclown, then Dave could abuse his too, right? 

Dave walked in through the side door and sat down next to Dave. 

“Wanna strife and just get your anxiety out?”

“Step off that ‘tude, Dave, who said I was anxious? I’m cool as a cucumber. No, fuck that, I’m as cool as ---“

“The shitty swords you keep in the freezer? That’s not even funny. Just listen to me. You wanna go where no man’s gone before, right Kirk?"

“Picard was the better captain and everyone knows that.”

“Picard was a poser. Kirk got there first and put his dick in the female of every species they came across. Picard just put his fucking diplomacy up in there. Which is more relevant to the conversation we’re about to have? …that’s what I thought.”

Dave sat stoically as future Dave talked.

“Look here, you like Terezi as more than just a friend. Way more.”

“Yeah.”

“So, you want to rock her strange alien casbah. You think you’re gonna figure out how to do that in a dark room tearing her pants off while she’s licking you everywhere without a SOLID goddamn game plan?”

“At least I actually know it’s located in her pants now.”

“You’re making this worse.”

Dave pressed his lips tightly shut. Future Dave continued his monologue.

“You know that coolkid thing we’ve got going drives her crazy. Well, I’m pretty sure she’s crazy anyway, but we’ve got appearances to maintain. Striders don’t cry when part of an octopus pops out of their girlfriend’s pants. You’re not Rose, you haven’t been secretly pining to ride the grimdark squid dong. She probably thought about that for years before it even happened. God, I can’t believe I even asked her about any of that.“

“This is getting a little off track.”

“I’m getting to that. Rose is why we’re not going to leave. She said to talk to Karkat tonight, and she had that super creepy overbearing Seer voice going on when she said it. So, we’re going to goddamn sit here and not become a pair of dead Daves.”

“I’m not feeling any better about any of this.”

“Then I’m just gonna sit here and make sure you don’t go anywhere ‘til he gets here.”

“Wanna play solitaire?”

“With both of us? That’s so sublimely ironic. Dude, you haven’t lost your touch.”

About halfway through the game, Karkat walked in to see two Daves jammed into one chair, shoulder to shoulder, one holding the deck as the other drew the cards. Future Dave glanced up behind his shades; the troll was blatantly staring at them. He casually squeezed the other Dave’s knee and leaned in, way too closely, to speak to him.

“I think it’s time for you to go back and give me what I need.”

“Uh, yeah,” Dave nodded and walked over to the side door.

“Dang, dat ass. Do I always look that good walking away?” Dave turned his head and saw Karkat standing right next to the table. He pointed at the koffee with one nubby claw.

“Are you done with that?” God he sounded tired.

“Yeah,” Dave watched him pick the spoon off the table and sort of pop the greasy skin that formed across the surface. Mostly, it just stuck to the back of the spoon. He meticulously removed the crust, and brought the spoon close to his face, inspecting it. Then, Karkat ate it. He fucking ate it. What the living, shitting fuck.

“Fuck! What the fuck are you doing? I mean, what the fuck, man?”

“Apparently grossing you out as much as you’re grossing me out.” Karkat shrugged unapologetically, still licking the spoon. “It’s the only good part. The asswater just helps keep me awake.” 

He walked over to the bookshelf and pulled down a fat boring book titled in Alternian, fangs clicking against the ceramic mug as he sipped the lukewarm koffee. Fucking trolls.

Dave flipped a few more cards in his oh-so-thrilling game as Karkat sat down on the loveseat next to him.

“Is human diabetes contagious?”

“Uh, no? What are you even looking at?” Dave spent a silent moment looking at the book before he decided he couldn’t make heads or tails of any of it. Oh, well, paper’s paper, right? He casually put one hand in his pocket. The only sound in the room was a soft click of a ballpoint pen.

“Dave, if you draw human penises on this book I swear to God I will pour all of Gamzee’s shitty soda down your throat, shake you, and give you to him to use as a fucking spray paint can.” Karkat looked at Dave pointedly, waiting for him to make a move. Sorry Karkat, time to get served. Dave cracked his knuckles.

“That’s a whole lot of talk you can’t back up. Put ‘em up, walk, or shut the fuck up. Or could it be, man, that you don’t understand just what is so grand about a rock hard dick. Listen Slick, it don’t take a genius to really make sense of this. I’ll forgive that fact if you’ll give tit for tat. Want me to draw tentacles eldritch all over the page instead of mammalian dick? You gotta teach me what you wanna see. Fuck that, Karkat, I can tell that I’m losing you (not that it’s all that hard to do) so I’mma help you out this time and dumb down the rhyme. Get your nose outta the book. Look at my hose. Show me your nook.” 

Dave pushed his glasses down low enough to look at Karkat over the top of them, flashing his orangey eyes and a wink. There was a truly horrified look on Karkat’s face, as if all the rage and disgust he ever expressed was just practice leading up to this moment.

“FUCK NO WHY WOULD I-“ Dave clapped a hand over black lips.

“Think carefully about what you say. You’re balls deep in a rap battle. Winner gets their way. You wield your words like a weapon, so blow me away.“

“I’m not going to rhyme anything, because the second I engage you, I lose, and there is nothing I want less in my miserable existence than to have a visual reference by which to gauge the accuracy of your shitty drawings.” Dave wasn’t sure if the look on his face was the bitter taste of defeat or just constipation.

“Thanks for not even trying, coward. I’m hurt. Here I am trying to be multiculturally sensitive and informative, and yet you’re not the least bit curious about my meat popsicle? My love wand, my bologna pony, my purple headed yogurt slinger, my heat seeking love missile? "

“No, no, no, no, and FUCKING NO. Stop talking about your self-proclaimed pork sword whatever-the-fuck. I wish you could just ask me things straight up instead of being a fuckass about everything.” 

“Oh, what am I being a fuckass about now?”

“This is relationship advice. That’s all anybody even wants from me anymore, it’s like the population of the entire meteor is trying to get into each other’s pants and I’m auspice to it all. No fucking thank you.” 

“Maybe I’m just pitch for you Karkles.” 

“Don’t call me that. Fuck you so many times Dave, I won’t even waste the breath to say them all myself.” Karkat waved his hand dismissively. “You and Terezi have been going together for almost a year, but here you are, suddenly very curious about me? All I can guess is that you haven’t seen hers yet, and you want to learn about it from me somehow. Well, news for you Dave, _I haven’t seen it._ While we’re salting the wound, she didn’t see mine either, or even act half as interested in as she is with yours.“

“Harsh, dude. I just don’t know who else I can ask.” Dave kind of felt bad. Not that he would admit it. Karkat continued as if Dave hadn’t even spoken.

“My hilariously trivial existence makes me the butt of yet another joke by putting me in this position. I guess I serve now to provide some sort of education to you, so you can sexually pleasure the troll which I believed most of my life to be my only possible matesprit. Pardon me for being less than excited.“

“So wait, you’re gonna help me? I’m not sure what you’re saying around all that tantrum you’re throwing around.”

“As much as it digusts me, yes. This is going to be one of those embarrassing conversations, isn’t it?“

“It’s way past ‘gonna be’.”

“Look, let’s just get this over with. I’ll tell you the basics. I would like to remind you that this is not ANY sort of flirtation, nor is it even remotely pale. I still consider Terezi a dear friend if nothing else, and if teaching you how to make her happy is a way I can make her happy, then its fine.”

“Thanks Karkat.”

“Not a word of this leaves this room.”

“Ok.” Dave punched Karkat in the arm.

“OW WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!”

“Just making sure this isn’t too friendly.”

“You are making it so difficult for me to help you.”

“I don’t want Doctor Rockso the Rock ’n’ Roll Clown using me for spray paint, I can really imagine that happening.”

“I saw it in a dream bubble. Apparently a dead me worshipped the mirthful messiahs and gave you to him as an offering.”

“Ok, uncomfortable now.”

“Tit for tat. I listen.” Karkat thumbed through the book to a section of color plates. Apparently, it was a medical text? He stopped on a page with a medical diagram of the troll lower torso.

“Ha, you said tit.” Dave did not giggle. Nope.

“So did you, what about it? Be fucking mature about this.” Karkat brusquely pointed at a few parts.

”This is the nookcavern; this is the deposit stalk, and those things in there are sensation orbs.” He gestured over a mess of glands and connective tubes. “You don’t care about any of that. These are the only three parts you need to know.”

“Is this a male or a female?”

“Look dumbass, trolls really only have one way to be. If it’s not this, I don’t know what the hell else could be down there.”

“I know that, it was a trick question. Where’s the bulge?”

“That’s slang for the deposit stalk. Just like shameglobes means sensation orbs. I’m sure you’re familiar with slang, yes?” Karkat didn’t wait for a response.

“When two trolls really feel for each other... Okay, that’s not going to be a good lead in. So, anyway… when you’re going to…pail…” Karkat cleared his throat,” The stalk emerges. That’s what a nook is, the cavity that the bulge is usually stored in. There’s a membrane separating the two, and the sensation orbs are suspended in the membrane. When the bulge is fully extended, they’re half internal and half external, so they can experience sensations from both sides. The nookcavern also serves to hold… mating fluids. The retracted bulge can be moved internally to jettison the aforementioned fluids. Most trolls just use a bucket, I guess to make less mess? Apparently trolls used to bring the slurry to the mother grubs personally. That’s the difference you see in some trolls… they’ve got these fatty chest humps to provide energy when they couldn’t stop to hunt. I guess there’s not a need for that since someone invented containers…I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”

“You’re doing fine. Haven’t you ever seen the 40-year-old Troll Virgin? Don’t let that be Terezi.”

“Ugh, can we not put names to these parts right now?”

“Okay, fine. Just teach me how to bone a troll.”

“There’s not really any bones involved, fuckass. Aren’t you looking at the picture? You know, stop looking at it, I don’t need you staring at my lap, visualizing shit.” Karkat took the text from his lap and put it on the table over the cards.

“Too much for you already? You could just show me then.”

“If it was, WHICH IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT, the mere thought of you being anywhere nearby would completely invaginate my stalk so far that it would never come out again.”

“Did you just say… invaginate?”

“It means to retract into a cavity, which is exactly what a stalk does. Are you not listening? You don’t think it just dangles vulnerably all fucking day do you?”

“Humans’ do.”

“I can’t do this. I’m going to vomit so hard that things I shit out yesterday are going to come back up.”

“What happened to being multicultural? Do I need to tell Rose there’s a breakdown in interspecies relations?”

“Fuck you. Maybe Past Karkat was wrong, and this whole thing really is about you wanting me to see your … whatever it is.”

“Maybe I just want to know if Terezi is going to freak out when she sees it?”

“Then go show it to her, as much as I wish I had choked to death on my own fucking spittle before I finished that sentence. I’m not your substitute.”

“Don’t bother telling me about how you do the troll nasty, because I can tell it’s not going to work for a human. Shit’s all squirmy, not like my magnificent turgid love club.”

“I actually don’t know how to do the troll nasty! Okay? Goddamn it, Rose and Kanaya figured it out! Go ask them! I’m starting to think you’re just torturing me.”

“Won’t help. Humans don’t all have the same equipment. Rose basically has a nook with no bulge.”

“Err…that sounds like it sucks? What if you’re stuck with the same equipment on both humans?"

“We have ways around it, but it’s generally easy to predict. You didn’t pretend to feel sick that time. See? Now you’re curious.”

“No.”

“Yes you are.” Dave stood up.

“No I’m not.”

“Yes you are.”

“NO I AM ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT CURIOUS ABOUT YOUR PINK HUMAN ---“ 

Dave pulled down his pants.

“AWRHHHH MY EYES I’M GOING BLIND!” Karkat was rolling around on the loveseat with his hands covering his eyes, somewhat muffling his overdramatic cries of anguish.

“Stop freaking out and just tell me how to make this work with a troll. You didn’t even look.”

“I TOLD YOU NO! YOU ARE RAPING MY ORBITAL SOCKETS. NO MEANS NO MEANS FUCKING NO!” The pillow he was clutching over his face did surprisingly little to filter the awful sounds he was making.

“I hope Terezi isn’t such a baby about this,” Dave started to pull up his pants. “I guess I can go permanently destroy her nether regions with my beef probe, or just let her lick it until…” The pillow hit him in the face, then Dave hit the floor as Karkat launched off the sofa and tackled him.

“Hurt her and I will kill you, I swear.” Dave felt nubby claws against his throat, and a knee against his solar plexus. The other knee pinned one hand against his side, still clutching his pants. Kinda vulnerable right now, but no one has to know that trolls are faster and stronger than humans, even at Karkat’s size. Dave adjusted his glasses and returned a classic Strider deadpan look. The look in Karkat’s eyes was burning with passion. Not for him, but...

“What the fuck was that. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? OH GOD IT’S TOUCHING ME.”

“That’s called popping a boner. Stop straddling me. You’re sitting in a human sexual position. Violently, but hey, some people like that. I guess I do.” Karkat scuttled backwards off Dave like he was poisonous. 

“Uh.” Really, it took THIS to make Karkat speechless? He watched as the troll’s gaze focused on his still exposed genitals. Not for the first time in his life, Dave was grateful that the glasses covered so much of his face. Even so, his ears felt like they were on fire.

“So can I put that in a troll or not.” Dave’s voice absolutely did not squeak.

“I don’t know? Um. Its…” Karkat made hand motions, estimating the size of it.

“You can touch it. You already rubbed your crotch all over it.”

“I DID NO SUCH THING.” Karkat cleared his throat again. “It’s… smaller than a. Bulge. But not at the end? I think it could fit. How does it move?” 

“It doesn’t really?”

“What do you mean it doesn’t?” Karkat was looking at it like it would start moving any second, proving Dave a liar. The scrutiny was making it really hard to concentrate. Dave chose to stare at the ceiling. 

“We... move our hips. Uh…” He thrust a tiny bit for emphasis. Dave was starting to feel like this whole thing was a mistake.

“So you just bash shit around like you’re swinging at a fucking piñata?”

“Uh, yeah, if you want to put it that way. It’s not really a problem for our species?”

Karkat leaned forward with one finger extended, and fucking poked him right in the fucking frenum. Not really a poke, but kind of a gentle push. What the hell. His cock flexed a tiny bit and bobbed back to its full upright stance. To Dave’s horror, a drop of precome dribbled over the rim of his foreskin. He let out a tiny embarrassed moan. Karkat scrambled to his feet. His eyes were wide, and he kinda looked like a kid who just sent a baseball through the window, ready to run.

“Goddamn it Karkat.”

“I. Fuck…I’m gonna go now.” He shifted from one foot to the other. “As long as you rub her shameglobes it should be good. Be careful with her.” Oh my god, were his creepy troll eyes glassy? Was he fucking crying? There was way too much going on right now, and a very insistent six and a half inches to attend to on top of all that. Dave hiked himself up on his elbows and snatched off his glasses.

“God. Dammit... Karkat, aren’t you spades for me? You’re just gonna leave me like this?” That is totally not what he meant to say. But. There was no way Karkat was just gonna leave like that, right? He’s been dying to fill his black quadrant with him for… And, right now, Dave could really go for…

Karkat stared at him for a second, exchanging his standard look of scorn for one of surprise. Dave could only imagine he looked a hot mess right now. He hoped it was a sexy one.

 _“I should_ hate you, Dave… but I don’t.” Karkat absconded the fuck out of the room. Fuck everything. Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck. Dave sat in silence, the door still swinging on its two way hinges. 

And then an orange clad figure stepped in.

“Hello David.”

“You!” Dave shoved his shades back onto his face. He was both gingerly and hurriedly trying to jam his erection back in his pants as Rose walked right over and crouched next to him.

“Would you care to hear what I think about the fact that you just prioritized accessorizing over concealing your raging shame from your dear sister?”

“I really don’t need that right now. Damn it, you knew this would happen.”

“You did get what you needed, right?”

“NO! Does it look like..." Dave shook his head. Not gonna think about that. "I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Apparently Karkat’s a troll virgin.”

“At least you know you’re not alone.”

“What good does that do?”

“Maybe it’s not about you for once, Dave. So you’re considering kismestitude now? How diplomatic of you.”

“Fuck no. How much did you hear?” Strider facepalm.

“I don’t need to hear anything. I already know what happened. But, I can make everything better!” 

Dave looked up to see Rose cheerfully grasping two bottles of alchemized hooch.

“Wanna talk to your sis about it?”

“Gimme that.” Dave wasn’t in love with the stuff, but this was one night he was willing to drink until he forgot.


	9. HIGH FIDELITY IS SUCH A FUCKING GOOD MOVIE, FOR HUMANS ANYWAY

Karkat rubbed his eyes furiously with his sleeve. Fuck this night. He crept quietly into his block, the moviegrub still on repeat. He mashed the stop button as Troll John Cusack sadly organized his song disc collection for the millionth time. The dim light from his husktop danced across a gracefully curved horn and lanky gray arm… oh, yeah, Gamzee was staying the night. Karkat rubbed the bridge of his nose. He’d been kind of hoping to just crawl in a hole and die there, but hey, looks like things are just gonna keep getting worse. Karkat walked over to the slumber plinth and sighed. No matter how long it had been since anyone had a recuperacoon, Gamzee still thought that you take off your clothes to sleep. Hell, he used to take off his clothes when he got really wasted too. Karkat wondered how it was that his negligent lusus even convinced him that clothing was necessary at all. Stupid clown, he’s gonna freeze to death. He took the shirt dangling from one horn and laid it back over its owner’s shoulder. Gamzee was blissfully asleep, grinning and sprawled across the bed spreadeagle without any sense of common fucking decency. Karkat took off his own shoes, then after some internal debate, his paint smeared shirt as well. He picked up the corner of the ‘comforter’ and covered the less fit for public view half of his friend, then wormed his way under the pile as deeply as he could without pushing Gamzee clean off the bed. If he couldn’t stop existing, he could at least hide, right?

In the silence, Karkat’s mind raced. Everything was his fault. His fault for pushing Terezi away until she started dating outside of the whole goddamn species. His fault for not hating Dave enough to walk the fuck away when he turned to him for help. His fault for hating Dave enough to make him think that that horrible incident was actually something Karkat had wanted. Karkat wished for once that he could stop giving mixed signals to every potential quadrant mate in the vicinity. Yet, here he was buried in a pile, with less than a foot of wimpy plush comforter between himself and his naked moirail, who he may or may not have performed very un-moirail like acts on earlier this very day. 

Karkat teared up again. His whole existence must be a joke if he thought the best thing in his life was his stupid shithead best friend, who couldn’t even keep him in line well enough to stop him from tearing the roots of their perfect serendipity from its freshly sown pale ground into the bleeding red dirt of unrequited matespritship. Maybe he understood Eridan a little better now? Great, there’s another shitty thing that’s his fault. Karkat ground his teeth to keep from crying out loud and curled in a ball to wait another sleepless night out. He was pretty sure everyone knew that his exemplary leadership had to be counterbalanced by an equally staggering fault. How stupid a fault it was that he needed them, all of them, because he couldn’t stand to be alone with himself.


	10. 2ave the priince22, wiin the priize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might totally squick you out. Because, Eridan warning. If at any time you decide that the experience is unpleasant, please read the notes at the bottom of the chapter for the less graphic, plot essential parts of this chapter, and have a nice day.

Sollux sat in his respite block, having fled the scene of the nightmare. Something was eating at the back of his mind, along with all the other stuff that normally did. He cracked his knuckles and pulled up a few lines of code. No sleep tonight.

The names of those files… against his better judgment, Sollux opened the cache of files he’d uploaded to the main library from Eridan’s harddrive. Eleven file folders, each with multiple videos. All named uncreatively similarly. Sollux had cued up tofp-08ed.cam in the lab. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the video was ‘to feferi peixes’ , file eight out of…thirty seven? He was up to thirty seven already?! There’s no way any normal troll would take so many videos of… Sollux shook his head. Eridan was some kind of raging pervert. And, that was only one folder? Wait, that meant the video he hadn’t watched was to… Equius Zahhak?! What the hell, when did Eridan have a thing for him? And the harness… Sollux was not the least bit curious where that was going. Three files for Equius, four for Karkat, and only one or two for everyone else. Sollux’s folder was empty. Sollux wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be relieved or offended. Literally, Eridan made dirty vids for EVERY troll except him? Oh, now it’s on. If he wasn’t interested in prying into Eridan’s private passtimes before, he could at least find some embarrassing material to use at a later date. 

He opened tonl-01ed.cam. He skimmed through it double time. Some strange things going on with a cat ear headband and a fur tail… ew. Okay. So, Eridan was trying to play into their kinks? What was this, like some sort of shitty seduction ritual? Okay, so Sollux wasn’t the easiest of people to get, but really? Eridan couldn’t think of a single thing? And really, why was this pissing him off, anyways. Time to be a vindictive asshole and send one of these vids off to their intended recipient… wait, what if Eridan already had? Sollux tracked the files’ movement. None of them had done anything than be moved from one folder to another… most of them going into the FF folder. Sollux dug around and found one that had originated in the tosc folder. Ha! So Eridan did have a vid for him… wait, why was that a victory? Sollux cued it up and sat back. 

Eridan was forcing himself down on a pair of very realistic toys… one red and one blue. As he slicked them with the copious nookslime he produced, it became apparent that there was no way he could fit both in his nook comfortably. A dirty grin crossed his face as he slid the blue one out and rocked his wastechute down on it until he took it to the hilt. Apparently that was not just a nasty mammal thing. He rolled his hips against the two dildos suction cupped to the chair, using his arms to hold him slightly off the seat. His bulge wound tightly around itself, pressing against his globes as he breathed heavily and worked up a sweat.

“ss.. Sollux.” Sollux jumped inside his skin as he heard his voice from the speakers. Oh, that’s weird.

Eridan came hard, not even bothering to go for a bucket, splattering the edge of the chair, and presumably the floor, with his juices. Instead of ending there like the previous video, he leaned slightly forward in the chair, lips parted and eyes glazed over with lust, and fucked himself harder until he came a second time. Shuddering and adding to the pooling pleasure, his breath came out in choked gasps.

“Oh, fuck. Fef, Feferi. He ground himself uselessly against the toys as his spent bulge uncoiled on the chair, unable to retract while he remained impaled. He leaned over to the camera, and through the blurry fingers, Sollux could just make out his tear streaked face as the screen went cut to black. Okay. What the fuck. 

Sollux sat back. That must be why it was in the tofp folder… was that whole folder a monument to his shame? Why wouldn’t someone just delete shit like that? How long has this been going on? A search by date revealed a span of about two months, with the most recent in Tavros’ folder. The vid was timestamped just fourteen hours ago. Well, someone found a new interest. Sollux cued it up, curious what a ‘successful’ vid entailed. He had a hunch.

It seemed as if Eridan had stopped hiding his face (or was that supposed to be a kink?). He leaned away from the camera, revealing spread legs and his other hand three fingers deep in his nook. Cut right to the chase now, huh? He showed the camera an orange ball with a smirk, and pushed it into his nook with a wet pop. Whatever it was, Eridan purred and fidgeted like it felt good. At least, that was until something purple and slimy SCUTTLED OUT OF HIS NOOK …oh fuck that was a fiduspawn egg. Sollux would never admit to anyone that he was just sick in an empty cup of instant grubmac on his desk. Nope. As he wiped the strands of spit from his face, the screaming started. Eridan was panicking, and staring down at his nook. A magic- err, sciencecarp was desperately trying to free itself from his body. The screaming continued after the camera went black as Eridan struggled to stop the recording.

“Wwhat have I done? Oh, fuck… it hurts,” Eridan’s choked out between sobs. “ Please make.. it stop. Fef I need you… Oh Cod I need help.” A few bitter wimpers escaped and the camera clicked off.

Not what he was expecting at all. Sollux sat in the uncomfortable silence when the recording ended. So, Eridan needed help on a very undiginifed matter. No one was ever supposed to see that. He’s probably fine by now anyway. After all, it was just sciencecarp. Sollux shook his head and stood to clear his desk of things that shouldn’t be there. He couldn’t go check on ED without admitting what he’d just seen. But he couldn’t just ignore something that pathetic either, right? Fuck that, that tool is still hung up on his matesprit. Saving the princess is what you fucking DO in videogames, and it can’t be helped that she wants to thank her hero properly, right? And repeatedly. Feferi made her choice, and Eridan needs to accept that the choice was Sollux. Fucking fiduspawn. Serves the guy right.

Sollux resumed his daily maintenance of the mainframe, deleting broken files and reworking lines of code, making them more efficient. Also, making them red and blue. YEAH! Putting his mark on things like this might be a little flashy, but the only people left in the universe who might try to hack it were Dave and Karkat. It would at least give them a headache long before they could accomplish anything. Not that they ever could. Two hours slipped by in jarring, beautiful color. A pinching headache began at the back of Sollux’s skull as a voice wailed.

“sci-science carp-arp-arp.”

Fucking game, are they really up playing this late… oh. Hell no. Was that really still a problem? That stupid monster was probably just shoved in a bowl somewhere. Unless… Time for some shitty sleuthing.

twinArmageddons began trolling carcinoGeneticist

TA: Hey bulgeliicker you’re not 2leepiing are you.

TA: That’s not a que2tiion.

A few minutes passed with no response. Time to try a different approach. Sollux was just about to send the contents of the tokv folder to Karkat when Trollian finally pinged.

CG: YEAH. TOOK A MINUTE TO GET TO MY PALMHUSK.

TA: ii know you flung your pant2 off the 2econd you got iin the room, but you 2hould take your hu2k out fiir2t. that’2 an expen2iive piiece of equiipment.

CG: YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG. MY PANTS ARE SOMEHOW STILL ON MY PERSON. EXACTLY WHERE THEY SHOULD BE. I’M NOT THE ONE WHO’S SO EAGER TO FONDLE MY MUTATED GENITALS IN A DARK ROOM THAT I TEAR MY CLOTHING OFF THE MOMENT I ARRIVE. THAT WOULD BE YOU.

TA: 2ound2 liike you have me confu2ed wiith 2omeone el2e. 

TA: have you 2een ED lately?

CG: YOU’RE WRONG AGAIN. I DON’T THINK ERIDAN WAITS FOR A DARK ROOM. I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S DONE IT RIGHT UP IN THE LAB, IN YOUR CHAIR.  
CG: ARE YOU SICK YET, BECAUSE I CAN KEEP GOING.

TA: mercy, ii’m plenty 2iick already. Ju2t tell me when you 2aw hiim.

CG: I DIDN’T SEE HIM ALL DAY. HE TROLLED ME HOURS AGO BUT HE NEVER TOLD ME WHY.

TA: Nothiing after that?

CG: NO.

TA: okay, goodnight.

CG: I’M NOT BITING TONIGHT. I’M NOT GOING TO ASK WHY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT AT THIS FUCKING EYE-BLEEDINGLY EARLY HOUR OF THE DAY. I’M BUSY BEING CRUSHED BY THE WEIGHT OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE.

TA: thank2 KK I’ll tell you later.

twinArmageddons ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist

delete conversation Y/N?

Sollux sighed and smashed the n. Being a hero fucking sucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, THE END NOTES ARE FOR PANTSSHITTING WIGGLERS. YOU PROBABLY HAVE TWO FINGERS UP YOUR NOOK RIGHT NOW AND **ERIDAN** MADE **YOU** SICK?  
>  ALRIGHT, GRUBFUCKING NOOKSTAIN, HERE'S HOW IT GOES. SOLLUX DOWLOADS ALL THE SHITTY VIDEOS. TURNS OUT AMPORA FONDLES HIMSELF TO EVERY TROLL LEFT IN PARADOX SPACE. SOLLUX WATCHES ONE IN WHICH OUR DISDUSTING PERVERT SEADWELLER PUTS A FUCKING FIDUSPAWN EGG IN HIS NOOK AND HUGE FUCKING SURPRISE, IT'S A BAD IDEA.  
> APPARENTLY NO ONE HAS SEEN HIM ALL DAY AND SOLLUX DECIDES THAT HE SHOULD PROBABLY GO CHECK AND MAKE SURE HE'S NOT DEAD.  
> SERIOUSLY, IF YOU MADE IT TO THE POINT THAT GROSSED YOU OUT, YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT READING. THERE'S A PLOT-CRUCIAL, COMPELLING, DRAMATIC PESTERLOG INVOLVING ME, AND THAT'S THE ONLY HIGHLIGHT OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT CHAPTER.


	11. Hot Cross Buns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day, cats and kittens.

Gamzee felt a strange buzzing against the back of his ribcage.

“FUCK.” A familiar voice reminded Gamzee where he was. Suddenly the bitchtits pile he was getting his sleep on in turned into a bucking hoofbeast as his friend flailed below him, scrambling to still his palmhusk. Most of the pile hit the floor, but Gamzee managed to stay on somehow. He heard the soft clicking of adorrible nubby claws on buttons as Karkat silently conversed with someone. Gamzee rolled over on top of the now mostly exposed Karkat and pretended to be asleep. He stole a peek at the tiny glowing screen. Solbro again. They are such good friends. Karkat deserves lots of friends, he’s so nice to all of them. Who else would answer their phone in the dead of … whatever time it was? Who else would squirm under a pile to make it lumpy enough for their best pal to get a mighty fine sleep goin? Who would be a tiny little living furnace that he could cuddle up to and keep warm now that all the covers had fallen off? Gamzee rolled on his belly and flopped his chest across Karkat’s stomach. Felt warmer than usual… Gamzee nuzzled his face against an unyielding shoulder. Karkat laid very still. Gamzee snored loudly to pretend like he was asleep.

“Hey fuckass. Your horn is almost in my ear. I know you’re not asleep.” 

Whoa motherfucker Karkat’s a motherfuckin genius. Gamzee was totally convinced that he was still sleeping. :o(

Gamzee picked up his head and planted a tiny kiss on the end of that crabby little nose.

“Knock it off. You can sleep for a few more hours.”

“Naw bro, I’m good. Wanna get some nosh on?” Gamzee yawned, showing all the fangs in his mouth.

“Go back to sleep, its seriously going to be, like, four hours before anyone else even gets up.”

“Okay best friend, whatever you say. I’ll stay right here.” Gamzee cuddled hard against Karkat’s naked torso. That’s why it’s so warm! No shirt to be all taking away some of that warmth for itself and all. Gamzee wormed his hand past Karkat’s waistband. He slid his arm all the way down the pantleg and wrapped his fingers around a tiny ankle.

“HEY! DAMNIT GAMZEE YOUR HANDS ARE LIKE ICE. GET OUT OF THERE.”

“But Karbro, you’re so warm. I could just climb inside your skin.” Gamzee smiled against his shoulder and wrapped one leg around Karkat’s other leg.  
“THAT’S A CREEPY THING TO SAY. ALL THE MORE REASON TO STOP DOING THAT NOW.”

“I wouldn’t really do that bro. It wouldn’t fit! Your skin is all full of you, so there’s not enough room for me.”

“I’M GLAD YOU THOUGHT THAT THROUGH. NOW GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.”

“I’m not tired anymore.” :o(

“God, we’ll go get something to eat, just stop making that awful face.”

“Yeah! You’re the best motherfucker!” Gamzee planted a big sloppy kiss on Karkat’s angry little tummy before sitting up. 

“I SAID KNOCK THAT THE FUCK OFF. AND GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY PANTS!” Oh, that’s still there? Gamzee had wondered why it was so hard to sit up. Huh. Karkat’s always looking out for him, what a sweet motherfucker.

Karkat sat up and pushed Gamzee off his leg. He idly rubbed at the shiny spot where Gamzee had decorated him with maybe just a little drool. He stared down at it really hard. Gamzee stood and walked towards the door, but Karkat just scratched his leg purposelessly and sat there.

“Kar-bro-dog! Ain’t you comin?”

“Gamzee, you really need to put something on.” Karkat’s face went red all the way to his ears when he said it.

“Wow, I can’t believe I all didn’t even know I was missin nothing!” Gamzee wandered through the doorway to his block. He nodded to each of his clownbro posters and gave his favorite a little fist bump. Sitting on the side of the ablution trap, he took a deep breath. Getting your paint on was a holy experience. Gamzee chanted softly in High Alternian as he applied each mark.

“A blank canvas for all the colors we seek  
Dark eyes to hide our lack of sleep  
Blood pulsing at our temples as we creep  
An eternal smile from cheek to cheek.”

Karkat was looking at him from the doorway. His scowl spoke for him. Guess it took a long time to worship properly? Gamzee stole a long look at him from the mirror, pretending not to notice the annoyed glare. His close fitting pants were only a few shades darker than his complexion. The pale gray skin pulled tight across high shoulders and narrow ribs was completely unblemished save for the charcoal grubleg scars on his chest. His arms and chest were muscular, but his belly was softer. Too many movies and not as much training, as of late. His neck was surprisingly graceful, not needing the thick muscles for holding up heavy horns.

“You look good like that bro.” Gamzee nodded reassuringly.

Karkat scowled even harder and crossed his arms tightly over his chest before absconding the doorway.

“YOU ARE SO STUPID THAT IT MUST CAUSE YOU PHYSICAL PAIN. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, FUCKNUB.” 

A pair of pants came sailing through the doorway, followed by shoes that may have been launched with force equal to that of his miracle modus. Karkat reappeared in the doorway greedily pulling on a longsleeve that was a size too big for him. He kicked a questionably clean Capricorn tee into the ablution block. Karkat was like a tornado of calculated aggression. Gamzee supposed that it might be threatening if he wasn’t just so motherfucking cute and soft on the edges. He got up to hug his most bestest motherfucker, but the little stormcloud had moved on out of the archway again. Gamzee stepped on an overturned shoe, like it was reminding him not to leave without it again! Shit’s all miracles. He carefully put on the shirt as so not to mess up his sanctimonious facepaint, and stepped into the roomy pants. He shuffled the sandals on and wiggled his toes. It’s like, they’re shoes, but not?

 

“YOUR SHIRT’S INSIDE- nevermind, its fine...” Gamzee cheerfully loped after his perpetually disgruntled friend. That shirt was just too long. Was Karkat’s butt toned like his arms, or soft like his belly? Gamzee couldn’t figure it out under all the fabric. He opened his mouth to ask, but he had the distinct feeling that Karkat wouldn’t give him a good answer. How could he? It’s all like, behind him, so he can’t really see it. Maybe he could just sorta…Oh shit Karkat’s been talking.

“… should really clean these halls. They’re all smeared with so much chalk and paint and blood that it’s impossible to tell which is which anymore. In retrospect, I think razing the houses of every grub ever born doesn’t really motivate us to learn good housekeeping skills, and now there’re fourteen of us swarming our mess all over a barely habitable but completely indispensable space rock. Did Sollux and Aradia really need to bring back EVERYONE?”

“Well, who would you want all up and gone? I can remove a motherfucking pest for you bro.” Nice save. :o)

Karkat got a sad look on his face. Whoops. Was that the wrong thing to say?

“Well, no one, Gamz. I don’t want anyone to die again.” Karkat’s face scrunched up in its characteristic way as he opened the door to the comestibles chamber. “Except maybe me, so I don’t have to see this awful eyesore called a ‘kitchen’.”

“Aw, bro, I’d never wanna have to kill my bitchtits most favorite troll.” He ruffled Karkat’s already ruffled hair. Karkat swatted him away defensively.

“Good to know I guess? ” Karkat opened the colderator and rooted through the stuff in contained. He bent further over as he passed the higher shelves and dug through the weird drawers in the bottom. Who would keep clothes in a colderator anyway? Gamzee found himself wishing the shirt was a little shorter again. Maybe he could just kinda…

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF MOTHER GRUB’S FESTERING EGG TUNNEL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?”

“Lookin in the coldge with you.” Hmm, soft AND firm. Bitchtits. :o)

“IT SEEMS I WAS MISTAKEN THEN. I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOUR HAND WAS THOROUGHLY FONDLING MY REAR END IN A COMPLETELY UNPRECEDENTED SHATTERING OF THE LIMITS OF PALE PROXITIMY ALLOWANCES, BOLDLY STATING YOUR WISHES TO LOSE SAID HAND.”

“It’s not motherfuckin unprecedented, Karkat.”

Karkat whirled around to face him. His nearly omnipresent scowl was surprisingly absent. Karbro sure did look motherfucking good when he wasn’t getting his grump on. Gamzee found himself staring for the second or millionth time today. Karkat furrowed his brow and returned Gamzee’s look with a skeptical glare.

“Are you just going to stand there with your food hole dangling open so a hoofbeast fly can--- ”

Time to get your hush on, salty bro.

Gamzee leaned down and kissed him on the lips. They were soft, but not smooth, and there was this barest hint of cinnamint fangpaste. Much to Gamzee’s surprise, Karkat’s lips parted of their own accord when his tongue got curious and somehow got itself to trying to taste this inside of Karkat’s mouth. The round tip of his tongue even greeted Gamzee’s own with a careful caress. He felt small fingers latch onto the hem of his shirt and fiddle with it idly. Gamzee wasn’t sure which sensation he preferred more, the feeling of Karkat’s uncommonly quiet mouth against his, or the small, fidgety movements that told him volumes about what his bro was thinking and feeling without any words at all. He decided he didn’t need to decide, because Mirthful Messiahs, it was totally sloppy makeouts time! Except air. Now. As he pulled away to breathe, Karkat pushed on his chest until Gamzee was forced to take a step back. His most finest brother was all blushing and shit, but looking at him with this weird looking look, like… that didn’t look like the face you should make after a kiss! Maybe he was a terrible kisser? Maybe he was all up and like, choking Karkat? His bro is all tiny, like he’s probably got tiny little lungs too, and if Gamzee couldn’t breathe, then Karbro definitely---

“Gamzee, you can’t make out with your palemate,” he blurted. “It doesn’t work that way. I know we kind of already dumped the shit in the oscillating windmaker and turned it on ourselves yesterday, but we were both just a little needy, and I took advantage of your openmindedness. I’m sorry, Gamzee, for taking our beautiful pale pity and ramming it up my nook. There, feelings jam over. Fuck you, fuck me, fuck the world, see you never. ”

Gamzee grabbed his wrist before he could make a motion to leave. Think, think, motherfucker, before this tiny miracle all up and walks out of your life.

“Bro, don’t be all getting your harsh on over it,” Gamzee could almost see the motherfucking self-depreciating thoughts kicking their wicked selves around in Karkat’s thinkpan. Don’t need to hear all that shit to know it’s troubling a brother. Especially when trouble doesn’t need to be had about anything at all.

“Besides, I got it in my thinkpan all lately that maybe, brother, there was maybe like some color creepin up into our diamond? Like maybe you’d be down with this kind of motherfucking whimsy?” The tall troll hunched down to make his face level with his smaller friend.

“No,I… wait… …you… Well yeah, fuckass,” Karkat sighed. “But… “ Gamzee took that as a prompt to squeeze again. 

“Honk. ;o) Ain’t nothing to it then.” He pressed his lips gently to Karkat’s and waited for him to reciprocate or suffocate. He didn’t have to wait long, although the kiss he got was chaste and closed-lipped, and very hard, as if Karkat was trying to push him away with his lips alone. A grumpy little grunt mildly protested while his mouth was tightly shut. Stubborn little motherfucker, they both wanted to get their mirthful sloppy makeouts on, but his bro was all in motherfucking knots about breaking the rules. Good thing he knew how to get Karbro’s chill the motherfuck on. Gamzee smoothed a crimson-flushed cheek with his hand and lightly scratched behind his ear. The smaller troll visibly relaxed into the touch, nuzzling his head against the careful graze of sharp claws. As he turned his head, he presented a stripe of pale gray neck that Gamzee attempted to measure in kisses. He smiled against the sinewy length as Karkat sighed breathily in his ear.

“You like that, motherfucker?” Gamzee rasped as he licked the smooth skin and sucked at the junction of neck and collarbone. Karkat nodded against the side of Gamzee’s head as he shyly wrapped his arms around him. Purple fingertips traced lightly down his sides and wormed their way under the oversized tee. They settled in the small of his back, enjoying whatever warmth they could steal. Wait, why was it all cold and shit? Bro’s supposed to be a little miracle oven. 

“Bro, your back is all cold??”

“That’s …because I’m standing in front …of an open cold box, you dipshit,” Karkat breathed between kisses. That reluctance sure did melt away fast! Kinda like where the frost should’ve been in the freezer, all liquefied miracle water now. Gamzee mentally congratulated himself for helping his bro to get his chill going. But, maybe not this kind of chill, too.

“Tits.”

He took a step back and guided Karkat forward with the hand against his back. He swatted at the door to close it, but it sort of bounced off a certain salty little troll. Really, just his arm. And not even that hard. That same salty bro sidestepped, dislodging the larger troll’s hand from its newfound home, and shut the colderator door. Civilly. Normally. 

“There, was that so hard? I’m probably going to bruise where you hit me with the fucking thing, have you been training with Equius?” There wasn’t any real bite to the words, not with the little half grin that kept up and creeping into the corners of Karkat’s most definitely not grumpy face. 

“Bro, you are so motherfucking cute—“

“DON’T SAY IT. I’M ALL THAT AND A BAG OF KICK YOUR SORRY ASS.” He’s got to be forcing that straight face.

“Aww, bro…”

“NO AWW. I’M ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.” Karkat closed the distance between them. Really fast, actually.

“BRUTALLURING. SEDUCTIVIOLENT.” Karkat pushed him in the chest, not too hard, but …when did that chair get behind him? Like it was all waiting to catch him when he lost his balance bumping into it. Life is so full of wonder.

“Viciousexy,” he purred, inches from Gamzee’s face. Did Karkat just make these fucking words up, or was he schoolfed some crazy fat dictionary as a grub? What the motherfuck ever. Wait, Karbro’s gonna sit in the chair too? He put his arms around the Cancer’s waist, because so he doesn’t fall? A pair of arms draped over his shoulders as that warm little body leaned tightly against his. Karkat was straddling his lap. Karkat was pressed against him and straddling his lap. This was… very, very okay.

“So, Gamzee Fucking Makara, what am I?” Motherfucker, his lips were so close, he could feel the breath blowing across his own. They brushed against his maddeningly on that ‘w’.

“Uh…” Gamzee had no idea what his little motherfucker wanted for an answer, aside from not ‘cute’. Damned if he wasn’t making it just a little hard to think, though. Karkat sat back a little and laced his fingers together at the back of Gamzee’s neck. Oh, man, he really is waiting for an answer. He probably wants a movie-worthy declaration. If only Gamzee didn’t fall asleep five minutes into every single one of them, he might know what to say.

“You’re my motherfucking miracle, bro!” :o) 

“Fucking idiot… “ Karkat planted a soft kiss on Gamzee’s smiling lips.” …but I’ll take it.” 

And then Karkat was smiling too.

Gamzee gathered the Cancer to him in his lanky arms, sliding his hands inside that baggy shirt and tracing aimless little shapes on the warm flesh inside. They traded a few lazy affectionate kisses to whatever skin they could reach without leaning away from each other. Gamzee decided that they could stay like this forever, and that would be a-motherfuckin-okay. Wait a motherfucking minute, what was that sound? Something rumbling…

“Dammit, Gamzee, go eat something.”

“It ain’t me, bro. You’re the one makin all that wicked vibration with getting your motherfucking purr on. It’s c-“

“Fuck no, it’s your digestive sac, idiot,“ Karkat blushed way more than a troll who wasn’t just caught making embarrassing happy sounds would. 

“…and we just went through this, Gamzee. Don’t call me the ‘c’ word.”

“I’m all up and about to, if this is what it gets me. Honk!” That sweet bro rump was like a magnet to his hand. Gamzee couldn’t even pretend to know how that worked, but hey, motherfuckin miracles and all.

“You wouldn’t dare.” Karkat shot a warning look. Damn, he is so much cuter without his face all scrunched up. Gotta speak the truth when it’s all up and singing in your bloodpusher!

“Bro, You’re so c-“ 

“DON’T SAY IT.”

“..cuuuuuuu”

“AM NOT!”

….uuuterrible.”

“Fuck you, go eat something.” Karkat lazily headbutted him. Those little horns were just perfect, all harmless and so. Motherfucking. Cute.


	12. Glowing White, Sweet Red, and Blushing Rosé

Kanaya shut her book as the door to her block opened. Only one person would dare to enter unannounced, so it was with a smile on her face that she looked up to see Rose. 

“Good day to you, my red, red Rose.” Her smile faltered only a bit when she caught a whiff of the stinging alcohol scent. Rose draped herself languidly all over her, partly out of affection and partly out of a need to not fall over. 

“What is the occasion for the human soporifics?” She rubbed the girl’s back soothingly. It was not that she scorned the substance, it just… altered Rose’s ability to have an intelligent conversation. 

“Dave got rejeck ted. And… He needed a hug. And a,” She overdramatically pantomimed drinking out of a bottle, “friend.” A goofy grin looked out of character on her prim features.

“ What is this about? Did Terezi leave him? I thought you had begun auspicing between …” Kanaya’s smile fell into a look of concern.

“What? They’re broke up? Huh, no wonder he hit on… beep beep meow. Uh,Karkat!” Well, that’s some new information. Time to try and assemble the fragments of Rose’s brain.

“I was unaware that those two had quadranted feelings for one another. While I agree that their interactions contain an alarming amount of flirtacious exchange, I would not think that either of them bore any intent to pursue it.”

“Nope! It’s a one-way street, and Car-cat left Sir David high and dry, but I fixed it!” Rose’s hands wandered quite a bit when she was intoxicated. It was not entirely unwelcome, just counterproductive to gathering information.

“What exactly did you repair? Am I correct in assuming this has nothing at all to do with Terezi? How is your auspicing going?”

“I haven’t been doing nothing! Auspicing is harderer thatn I thought it would. Be.” Rose had an adorable pout on her face, one that she would never wear if she had any control over it. Kanaya enjoyed these moments of freedom, like a secret to keep all for herself. Rose was fairly well gone at this point, so as much as her mind scrambled to put all the pieces in place, she would have to set the whole mystery aside until Rose was more like her normal self. In the meantime, however… Kanaya pulled her shirt back down to its proper location. 

“Why don’t we get you washed up? You have spent all night out, and I think you will feel much more at ease with a fresh change of clothes.”

“Hmmm, you’re so smart Kanaya, that’s why I love you…” The jade blood gasped as Rose’s fingers zeroed in on her grubleg scars as if she could see through her shirt. Kanaya gently grasped the roving hands and held them at their sides.

“I care for you also, but I believe it is best to ablute, now.” Kanaya can’t say she didn’t appreciate the way her matesprit looked her up and down just now.

“By myself? But, what if I fall?” Rose batted puffy but still lovely eyes at her. Hmm, sobering up already? She did have a point though.

“. . .” Kanaya took her hand and led her to the ablution block. Rose ‘stumbled’ as soon as they stepped inside, pressing the troll against the wall. She giggled at the unamused look on the taller girl’s face.

“ Hee hee,oops.” She stole a quick kiss before turning around and flinging her tunic off on one motion, leaving a marigold pile of crinkled fabric in her wake. She made a good effort of trying to remove her leggings standing up before she got the idea to sit on the side of the trap. Kanaya smiled to see how such a simple thing was taking all of Rose’s concentration. It seemed that although she forgot to take off her shoes before the pants, she was immensely intent on taking it all off in one shot. So intent that she slipped backwards off the edge of the trap. Kanaya crossed the distance in half a human heartbeat and caught the girl by the waist. Rose smiled up at her sheepishly.

“Perhaps you would like to remove your footwear first?”

“Bending over makes me dizzy.”

“Ah, I see. Do you require assistance?” Kanaya was only answered by a wide grin. She waited for the blonde to seat herself steadily before she carefully freed each foot from its blue prison. She shucked the balled up leggings from slender ankles… and also purple striped underwear. She spared a glance up, and Rose was watching her coquettishly. She stood, and folded the clothing neatly and set it on the faucetbowl counter. Rose had shakily stood up, and was staring at the shower knobs as if they were a Rubicks cube before fiddling with them. She still wore the delicate cream lace brassiere that Kanaya made for her. It cradled her soft human bosoms perfectly as she jumped back, having successfully activated only the cold water. A little smirk was on her face as Kanaya quickly undressed herself and captchalogued both sets of clothing for later washing. She stepped behind the other girl and carefully undid the clasps on the remaining piece of clothing. Rose stood up straight and let her remove it. Kanaya hung the undergarment over the towel rack and allowed her hands to continue the task said garment had been fulfilling. Human skin was so soft, and covered in such tiny, gossamer little hairs. She admired the way the flesh settled between her fingers slightly as Rose leaned back against her. A kiss to the back of the neck, then she stepped away. Rose watched her lazily as she deftly operated the shower knobs to obtain a proper showering temperature. Kanaya stepped inside and extended her hand.

“It is clear to me that you are still somewhat unsteady on your feet. I do believe it best if I were to join you. If that is alright with you?”

“Why, yes, Miss Maryam.” Rose giggled as she stepped over the trap wall. Kanaya pressed the supple pink skin against her already damp self. The human girl wasted no time in targeting her grubleg scars again. Kanaya bit her lip and grasped Rose’s hands. She pushed a soapy cloth into one of them, and placed the hand back on her chest. Rose seemed to get the idea, and soon her hand was exploring every sensitive area of her body under the guise of ‘washing up’. She shampooed the both of them with some considerable effort, since Rose seemed to take great pleasure in thoroughly washing only the spots that made Kanaya’s breath hitch. Her nubs had never been cleaner, certainly. She gently shoed Rose’s washcloth away from her buttocks and leaned the girl into the spray to rinse the soap from her blonde locks. After rinsing her own, Kanaya took the cloth from Rose and smoothed it across the tender pink flesh of her human nipples. Rose moaned softly when Kanaya moved on to clean other parts of her body. She keened enthusiastically whenever she passed over her favorite little spots, as if Kanaya didn’t already know where they were. She may have been a little deliberately slow in cleaning her way up the girl’s inner thighs, just to enjoy those sounds a bit more. She soaped up the silken patch of blonde hair than humans had oddly not on their heads. Rose whimpered and bucked into the touch. Hmm, enough abluting. She watched as rivulets of water carried the bubbles away from her creamy complexion. Rose leaned back against the shower wall and pulled Kanaya with her. She parted her thighs and stood on her tiptoes, and when she rocked her hips again, Kanaya’s bulge readily slipped inside her. The human moaned aloud and wrapped one leg around the taller girl’s hip, and Kanaya responded with a thrust that pinned her against the tiles. God, she was red for this girl. She carefully coiled and wriggled her bulge inside the warm, pulsing cavity that Rose so eagerly presented to her. As she caressed every inch inside the girl, Rose attempted to touch every inch of Kanaya. She exchanged a tender kiss with those perfectly pink lips. Kanaya guessed that their hue had earned Rose her name. The other set of lips squeezing tightly around the base of her bulge, however, impeded any further progress on her train of thought. 

When she spread her feet apart for better stability, she was surprised to feel soft fingertips slip just barely into the opening of her nook. Kanaya purred permissively. After a few polite exploring strokes, Rose brushed against her shameglobes. Kanaya was embarrassed by the complete loss of any refinement in the sounds with which she expressed herself. A jade blush crept across her cheeks as her eyes met Rose’s.

“Oh, I…” she stammered. Should she apologize?

The girl just smiled deviously, and drove her fingers as deeply as she could inside Kanaya, swirling firm circles against her globes. They matched the rhythm of the human’s rutting hips. It was all Kanaya could do to keep them both upright as she orgasmed, expelling her mating fluids deep inside her partner. Rose made a dangerously animal noise and squirmed violently. Oh dear. 

“Rose, I…” She should apologize.

“Oh…Yes!!!” she panted. The girl bucked particularly vigorously and Kanaya could feel the throbbing around her bulge, much like a heartbeat. Rose opened her eyes and gazed at Kanaya, mouth agape and her face flushed. God she was beautiful.

“Rose?” Kanaya asked very softly, not wanting to break the mood.

“Mmm…Do that every time.” 

“It is … counterintuitive as a troll, but it can be… arranged if you so wish.” The squirming against her spent but still pleasantly sensitive bulge was distracting.

“I wish it, Kanaya. I.Wish. It.” Each word was punctuated by a tiny kiss. If it was possible to wax redder for an individual than Kanaya already was, it was happening. Relieved that her passionate faux pas was a welcome experience, she lazily wrapped her arms around the other girl. Her tentacle reluctantly retreated, and Rose squeezed her legs together. It was Kanaya’s turn to smile.

“Like it as you may, Rose, you cannot keep it.” Kanaya eased one hand between her thighs and stroked the tiny pleasure bead nested within the petals of her beautiful human organ. She spread her legs involuntarily in response, and Kanaya firmly stroked the delicate kernel. Rose wordlessly announced her near immediate second orgasm, bucking rhythmically against her hand as jade gushed out of her with each spasm, pearly strands of her own fluids sparingly swirled within. Kanaya held her until it stopped, then steadied Rose on her own feet. She carefully abluted away the last of the evidence, and shut off the quickly cooling shower. She toweled off her lover with all the care and none of the teasing with which they had washed up.

“I love you.” Rose wrapped her arms sleepily around Kanaya’s neck and mumbled softly against her sternum.

“I human love you also.” Kanaya petted her hair with the corner of the towel, smoothing the damp strands clinging to the side of her face.

“I am going to lay down for a bit. I don’t think we will be missed for another few hours.” Rose was sounding more like herself; it was comforting to hear her soft, even candor.

“If I am not mistaken, your phrasing implies that there is an event which unwaveringly requires our presence?”

Rose simply smiled, and walked off to the bed-pile. She paused to grab a fresh set of underwear from the dresser, then pulled on one of the Virgo tees stored in the next drawer down. She climbed into the Morrocan style bed they’d compromised on, and pushed enough silk pillows out of the way to make room to lie down. Kanaya watched her for a moment, then turned out the lights. The soft glow of her own bioluminescence scattered sparkles across the gold threaded tapestries as she clambered into the pile of heavily beaded and tasseled cushions. She flipped her book back to her previous mark, and tried to pin her curious mind to the bawdy tales of fictitious rainbow drinkers and their absurdly improbable adventures. 

Or, so thought the girl who physically present inside a computer program, dating an alien, had had her dead friends resurrected, and was hurtling through space at roughly light speed. She tried to focus on the immensely mundane tales of fictitious rainbow drinkers and their uni-racial, hunger driven relationships. The troll was soon as asleep as her human matesprit.


	13. in on a gray horse

Powerful arms stretched skyward , accompanying a sleepy yawn. Equius sat up on the edge of the sleeping plinth, a tangle of humid white linen preventing further progress. He pulled the sheet away from where it clung to his legs. These expanses of fabric were very absorbent, and he was getting better rest not having to wake up in the night to find a fresh towel after an invigorating dream. Nepeta’s arms dangled haphazardly off the corner of the plinth where she was otherwise folded up to the smallest size she was capable of. Hat askew and mouth hanging open, she snored lightly and obliviously. Best not to wake her just yet. If there was one thing his moirail enjoyed, it was sleep. Sleep at daytime, naps on top of the highest constructions in the block, snoozing on whatever project was most freshly tinkered with. To wake her was to have a bad start. Changing the sheets would simply have to wait until later in the day. He paused in his journey to the washroom to collect a fresh set of garments. And, several towels. He frowned for a moment at the lack of fresh towels. 

Oh, how he missed Aurthur. 

The water pattering against the shower called him from his nostalgia. Stepping inside, he washed himself with the utmost care. The cool water cleared the last clouds of sleep from his mind. Best to get an early start. There was machinery to check in the lab, and maintenance on Tavros’ legs. He considered also examining Vriska’s arm, until he remembered that in attaining God Tier, she had abandoned his fine work in favor of her own fleshy arm. He scoffed out loud at the thought. Oh, he just broke the back scrubber. He slid the shower door open, SO CAREFULLY, just enough to lean out and discard the unfortunate bathing tool. A gray streak darted in at the opportunity, but went stumbling out just as quickly.

“Waaah, Equius! It’s so COLD in there!!! What could mew possibly want it that cold fur?”

“Good evening, Miss Nepeta. You may turn the temperature to a more suitable one when I am finished.”

“I don’t want to wait! It’s my turn. You shower furever.”

“A day does not start without one being properly clean.”

“I agree. That’s why I want a shower meow.”

“Neigh, I will not get out now. You will practice patience.”

“I will not! I’ll just get clean withmeowt it!”

“You will not lick yourself and call it bathing.”

“But, Equi-”

“You will not. It is not becoming of a lady.”

“… Okay.”

Equius turned off the water SO GENTLY and stepped out of the shower. Wringing his hair out with one towel, he groped blindly for another to wrap around his waist. 

“Equ- nevermind. You can have that.”

Nepeta ducked into the shower and heaved the door shut. Equius snugly tucked what was apparently a kitty hood into the front of his towel sarong, securing it. Oops. He placed a fresh towel on the now vacant hook and carefully plugged in the hair dryer. Hmm, fourteen seconds before he broke it. This design was better than the last one.

“Why don’t you just let me dry it fur you?”

“I will perfect this device yet.” He gathered the salvageable parts from the sink and set them aside. 

Passing a faithfully ‘unbreakable’ comb through his raven tresses, he shrugged the waterlogged towel from his shoulders. He tugged one sturdy, stretchy tank on. Unfurling the kitty towel wrap, he sat on the edge of the commode to pull up his striped… stretchy leg cover things. He’d never seen anyone else wear them, but they were amazing at wicking away sweat when he was fighting, or working, or.. existing. Biting his lip in intense concentration, he managed to coat one leg in the alternating sheer and opaque stripes of black. He grabbed another leg-sock out of the pile, and … oh. He ripped it. One, two, four… the fifth one went on properly, as the first. Once, there was a time where they were joined as a single garment, but it was easier to discard only an individual ripped leg sheath than to undo the work of a properly applied one. Black briefs glided up the nylon coated skin with ease, and he stepped into durable gray shorts not designed for softness. He captchalogued the machinery on the sink before the moisture could damage it further. Shower still running, he peeked inside to see Nepeta curled up sleeping in the excessively steamy shower. He EXTREMELY DELICATELY turned off the shower. No sense in letting your moirail drown.

He left shiny wet footprints on the floor as he left the lavatory to find his shoes. So much to do today.


	14. one fish, two fish, red fish.... edited for copyrights

Eridan pulled the cape tighter around his shoulders. The knocking wasn’t going away. He felt lightheaded and sick and completely unable to get up. And the fucking knocking was too much. He picked a block away from all the rest; no one would just stumble upon it thinking it was an occupied restroom or some shit. Why else would you knock like that? Knock, knock, knock. He pushed off the cape and slunk below the surface of the purple tinged water in the ablution trap. Ting, ting, ting. The bangs sounded like far off clinks of metal below the surface. He’d had his head against the side so long one of his gills had gone numb; now it was all pins and needles and hard to breathe. He didn’t care. Some of the pings sounded like buzzing now. And yelling. Groggily, he picked his head up above the water. Whoever it was sure wanted in. He almost thought it might be Feferi. There was a time once when she would have checked up on him after hours of silence, but not now.

“ED?”

Oh no, It had to be him. Eridan stiffened at the sound of that voice. It sent new waves of pain shooting through his gut. Damn. Why the fuck was he here? Stay quiet, Ampora, and maybe he’ll just leave. Sollux couldn’t find him like this, he couldn’t. He’d risked his mortal life to bring everyone back from the dead, and here he was, doing stupid things and throwing it all away. He’d tried to kill him. Sollux could have left him dead. But he didn’t. Maybe that piss blood just meant that he had a heart of gold. Gold… Eridan stared at the rings on his fingers. There were a few less than he used to have. Coddamn corpse robbers. He’d have to ask Gamzee where his body had been so he could look there. Whenever that guy stopped being so intimidating. Kill all land dwellers? Eridan just had to let that guy do all the work, then figure out how to kill him. Kind of a moot point now, really. Last time he checked, there wasn’t an ocean on the meteor, making all of them land dwellers now. Well, at least he was exterminating one of them. Maybe. The pain was worse than when he was cut in half. Maybe that’s because it wasn’t so long between wound and death. He rubbed the dark straight scar across his midsection absentmindedly. Such a clean cut made such an ugly scar. He heard the door swing open. Fuck. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to find him like this. Damn it, why couldn’t he just die already? He leaned his head on the side of the trap again and took a deep breath.

“I’m tryin ta sleep you inconsiderate fuck! Go awway!” 

“IIn the ablutiion block…?” 

“Uh, yeah, ‘seadwweller’!” 

“okay…”

That seemed to end the conversation. Eridan heard nothing else but the tinny ringing is his sponge clots. He lay back down on the trap bottom and watched the trails of purple blood leave little eddies and whorls as he moved his fingers back and forth through the water. This was a much more comforting way to go then last time. If only his body would hurry up and give out. He rolled his eyes upward, and saw a wavy face not his own staring back at him. A scrawny pair of arms pulled his limp body out of the water’s embrace.

“ED are you okay?” Sollux’s freaky bicolored eyes were unreadable.

“I’m fin fuckin tastic. So leavve.”

“There’2 blood everywhere, II can’t ju2t leave!”

“Just let me die already!”

“You’re not dyiing, ED. 2top beiing 2o dramatiic. Geez.” Did he just roll his eyes? That tone implied it, but its not like the guy has pupils or anything to indicate the gesture. For all he knew, Sollux could’ve had that reaction to every word he’s ever said. 

“Wwater you evven fuckin doin?!”

“Tryiing to get you out of the trap.” Sollux had his arms hooked under Eridan’s and left him heaved up halfway. The side of the trap pressed into the soft part below his ribcage, squashing his internal organs and renewing the throbbing spasms of bleeding pain that he was only just becoming dulled to. The warm, soft skin of Sollux’ hands felt like velvet against his wet shoulders. They were trapped in an awkward sort of hug, with Sollux not able to move him further. Pathetic. His wimpy little arms didn’t even have the strength to move a single body? How was it that this little shrimp was running around rescuing people? Really unlikely. Wasn’t Karkat supposed to be the mutant red fucking savior of them all? Or is that still a secret? You learn a lot from the dead. Which he’s about to be again.

Sollux put one foot against the side of the tub and pulled with all his might, mashing Eridan’s hipbones against the rim and making his see stars from the blinding waves of pain. He slipped back into the water as Sollux lost his grip.

“You’re … makin it wworse, ugh…”

“2orry. Iif you’d cooperate thii2 would be a lot ea2iier. You’re liike, a two hundred pound wet noodle…”

“Just cull me! I think my fuckin insides are comin out…” he hissed through clenched teeth.

“Really, ED. II don’t thiink iit2 that bad.”

“You don’t evven knoww wwhats wwrong!“

“ehehehe, and you make fun of the way II talk. Ju2t 2tay 2tiil.” Whatever Eridan had to say was cut off by a crackle of red energy sparking through the air. Blue soon joined, and suddenly Eridan was weightless. Or, not quite. He could feel pressure where the energy supported him, and it was all tingly. Some of it was in places he’d rather not have tingling.

“Hey wwatch wwhere you’re puttin those things!”

“They’re really more of a weapon, ED. Ii’m trying… not two cru2h your bone2.” Sollux set him down on his feet, not particularly gently. Eridan’s insides did not fall out. The energy dispersed instantly and he stumbled, but stayed upright. Hmm… standing up, the pain wasn’t so bad. Maybe he was going to live after all. Sollux scrunched up his face and held his head in his hands, rubbing his temples.

“Wwhat the hell, wwhats wwrong wwith you?”

“Fuck, Ii’m two tiired for thii2 2hiit. iit’2 giiviing me a headache.”

“Uh, sorry… or thank you …or somefin,” Eridan scratched his head. He snatched his cape off the side of the trap and pulled it tightly around him. “Wwhy did you come here?”

Sollux looked up at him, hands still on his temples. Or, at least his head moved in Eridan’s direction. Maybe he was staring at the floor. Eridan wondered if the skinny troll knew he was soaking wet.

“Don’t, ED.”

“I kinda think I deservve to knoww wwhy you’re in my block at this uncodly hour. Unless you’re goin to tell me that it’s a fuckin coinseadence that you were passing by. And knockin like there wwas another murderspree goin on.”

“ED, ju2t leave iit be.”

So… he didn’t have an answer? Here they were together, showing each other the very most pathetic sides of each other. Was this meant to be? That serendipity shit that Karkat’s always going on about? Seaing Sol’s body all frail and in that pain… kinda makes him wanna protect that guy. Eridan regretted almost killing him. And if Sol’s here saving him again, it must mean that he doesn’t want to see Eridan in trouble either. Could this be… red? Beautiful, flushed red?

“I’m … thinkin some funny things right noww, so wwhy don’t you tell me wwhat’s your motivvation?"

“II’m sorry, ED. Don’t a2k me why… but…”

“Just say it!”

“… DON’T A2K ME WHY BUT II 2AW YOUR 2TUPIID VIIDEO! OKAY?!” Eridan opened his mouth, then closed it. Several times. Nothing came out. He crossed his arms around himself under his cape and turned his back to Sollux. He suddenly became very aware that his cape made him not naked only by technicality.

“….howw?”

“Iit2 a long 2tory. And II 2aiid don’t a2k me.”

“…but…”

“Ju2t 2top. And II won’t a2k you why you were doiing what got you iinto thii2!!!”

Eridan stood there sheepishly. Or seapishly. Wwhatevver. Sollux could hack anything. Eridan should’ve known it was only a matter of time. But for him to come looking for things like THAT on his computer… this was moving so much faster than he dared hope. Wait… what if Sol only came here because he thought Eridan would put out? Is it possible to red rape someone? Because looking at that too-thin body draped in fabric wet with bathwater and blood, the arms that couldn’t pick him up, the mind that caused the body pain for trying…. There was an overwhelming pity growing inside him, like he’d never felt before. Whatever the reason, he’d give Sollux anything he came for. And more. He softened his expression, and turned to face Sollux… who was staring at the load gaper. 

“At lea2t that’2 not a very biig 2ciiencecarp.”

“I knoww! Thank Cod, right? Cuz they’vve got these … sharp. Spikes. Like, on their fins.”

“Ii diid not know that.” Sollux toggled the flush lever absentmindedly. An awkward silence set is as the two of them watched the dead monster swirl and stubbornly refuse to go down the drain until the second flush.

“Servves you right, you damn jerk. It hurt like a bitch, but I think it’ll heal quickly. I mean, seadwweller and all.”

“…you 2ay that a lot?” Sollux gave him a quizzical look. So he doesn’t know? That… maybe that means he and Fef haven’t really gotten down to it. Maybe they weren’t meant to be, then? 

“Uh, I probably shouldn’t be the one tellin you this, but wwe seatrolls havve spines. You knoww… to keep things from slippin around too much underwwater.”

Sol’s eyes opened wide enough to fall out of his head. They didn’t, but they could’ve. Damn it Eridan, you scared him. Pull it back, or he’ll never want to fully realize this blossoming relationship. He’s obviously a little gun shy if he and Fef have yet to...

“But, they don’t hurt or anyfin! And wwe don’t have to use them… Wwe can hold ‘em back if wwe’re tryin. I’m pretty good at it.”

“Ii’m leaviing now. Good niight.” He left the bathroom and headed for the exit.

“Wwait, I didn’t evven thank you for savvin me.” Eridan hurried after him, squeezing his eyes shut as his wounds protested the rapid movement.

“You diidn’t thank me the fiir2t tiime eiither, ED. ii know you’re the priince iin dii2tre22, but ii’m not really lookiing two be thanked liike that. ii’m no hero. Where doe2 that iidea even come from? Thii2 ii2n’t that kiind of viideo game. Ju2t 2tay iin and heal up. ii’ll 2end 2omeone wiith food for you. Do you need 2omeone el2e, not me, two take a look at iit?”

“No, I don’t need nofin like that…” Damn it, Sol. Trying to take care of him and not asking for anything at all. That almost sounds like charity… Eridan Ampora is no charity case. When he opened his eyes, Sollux was already three steps from the door. Eridan caught up to him as his fingers touched the handle. He instinctively turned when Eridan grasped his wrist.

“Thank you Sol, for tonight.” Eridan dropped his voice to a low purr. 

“You’re wel-“ Eridan cut him off with a short, soft kiss. Sol looked a little bewildered, and his hand groped for the door handle behind him. Eridan put his hands on those bony shoulders, and caressed the length of his arms fluidly until he held both hands. He laced his fingers between long bony ones. They felt so warm against his skin.

“And thank you for bringing me back.” Eridan felt the Gemini's body tense as he kissed him again, sucking on his lower lip and tasting him. Eridan thought it might be the sweetest kiss he’d ever had. Even if Sol wasn’t really kissing back. Maybe he’s just not a really affectionate guy? Back it off, then, Eridan. Don’t scare him again. He let the other go and stepped back. Wet Tshirt fabric peeled away from seadweller torso where the two of them had pressed together. The stretch pulled it back against its owner with a little snap, plastering it against his hollowed ribs and sunken stomach. He plucked at the hemline until it pulled away from him and hung normally. Sol gave him a weak, uncertain smile, and opened the door.

“Swweet breams, Sol.” Eridan called after him.

“…yeah…”

He watched him walk down the hall until he turned the corner. Then he stared at the empty hallway a little longer. Doubt started to nag at him. What if that was too much? It HAD to be fate that brought them there, baring each other’s weaknesses, blooming the sweet red flower of the most passionate quadrant… right?

He heard shuffling footsteps in the hall. He turned defensively, reaching for his wand that was not there. It occurred to him for the second time that night that he was wearing only his cape. 

“UGH…”

Dave Strider waveringly stood for a moment at the end of the hallway. The heavy scent of human soporifics drifted down the hall. He turned, leaned over, put both hands on the wall, and promptly emptied his digestive sac. Eridan thought this was a good a time as any to stop presenting full frontal nudity to the hall and shut his door before any other smells made their way in. That Dave sure has a disgusting habit.


	15. Oh snop! I see what you did there.

Rose held her liquor far too well for a girl her age. 

That may have been the first coherent thought Dave had in the last six hours. But now that he started thinking, he couldn’t stop. Except when he punctuated it with vomit. His eyes were watery, and between that and his stupid shades, he’d wandered pretty far and had NO IDEA where he was on the meteor. Stupid sister, letting him go charging off on his own. If he was this sauced, he was willing to bet his own sweet ass that Rose was too distracted to use her powers to fuck with him. So, there was no way this was even for his own good. Man, he was a little sick of having siblings that always fuck up his plans under the guise of “knowing what’s best.” Fuck that noise. Right up its asshole. Like, if the meteor was a gay bar, that noise would be the tastiest, skinniest, most doe-eyed, barely-legal twink in the club full of hungry leatherbears looking for a good time. And that noise would know it. It’d be all ass in the air, ‘come get some of this’ until every creep in the place had a turn. That noise would have its goddamn phone number carved in the bathroom stall before the night was over. That noise sure is a cockslut.

BARF.

Man, why did his brain even go there? He wandered further down the corridor. Ugh, maybe he watched a little too much porn the night before? Then there was that weird shit Sollux…

Oh, fuck.

At the other end of the hall, fucking Eridan was standing ass fucking naked.

Dave turned and painted a technicolor yawn violently across whatever stretch of wall happened to be unfortunately located next to him. He became dimly aware that he’d gotten some on his shirt. More then once.

Yeah, never wanna see that guy again.

As he glanced around with dewy-eyed vision, seeking a bathroom, the night’s events took cheap shots to his brain in sparks of embarrassing clarity. He shook his head to clear them, but the dizzy headache the spirits had left behind hurt as much as remembering. 

He took a chance on a door with a genderless stick figure that looked a little like the Devil. Success. He discovered a dingy and disused, but blessedly unoccupied, restroom. Dave could never figure out why every bathroom had a shower stall at the end of the rows of toilet stalls, or why there were never urinals. He stopped caring after a while, but the oddity of the former was pleasantly convenient at the moment. Pondering the stupid bathroom also kept him from piecing together the shitty flash video of unsequenced events his memory had coughed up. At least he wouldn’t have to try clean himself from the sink. He dropped his pants for the second time that night. Oh, god why was that familiar… he remembered Rose being there, too. Oh, geez. Why was he sans pants in front of his sister? There’s no way anything happened, she’s into girls, and Dave was the epitome of human masculinity, so no worries there. Plus, she’s basically his _sister_. Bro taught him to just say no when it came to Stridercest.

 Tch.

He captchalogued the crusty clothing and stepped in the shower. He turned it on and allowed the cold water to blast away the last of the clouds drifting in his mind. As it warmed, he remembered being warm another time that night. Or, his body suddenly and violently remembered the feeling of being smothered in warmth and pinned to the floor under Karkat, grinding against him.

Oh God. 

Dave took his traitorous erection in hand. Don’t think of Karkat, oh shit you are totally thinking about Karkat. Karkat touching his dick, Karkat’s warm gray skin, Karkat’s muscular weight pinning him to the floor, holding him down while he rode him… he could’ve just torn off his pants and slid his thick cock into that hot little opening he knew was waiting for him, making Karkat scream like the little virgin he was…

Dave came suddenly against the shower tile, spurting thick ropes that clung to the wall before tumbling down in the current. He stared at the milky wisps as they sucked down the drain.

Oh fuck, that was a thing that just happened.

He turned off the drain and stood there in the drafty cold, waiting to dry.


	16. contemplation and conjugation

_What the hell was that?_

Sollux stumbled out the door and into the hallway. Don’t run, don’t run… he made it around the corner before breaking into a dead sprint for the safety of his block. What the fuck was Eridan thinking, kissing him like that? He hadn’t even wanted it, but it was like electricity on his lips. Electricity that went straight to his groin. The worst part was, it felt just like when he kissed Feferi. Did that mean that he had feelings for Eridan? Fuck, no. Unless it’s black? That didn’t feel like a black kiss. So then…red? 

So shitty is he, Sollux Captor. His body responds to just anybody now, doesn’t it? Or, maybe he's just with Feferi because she acted first, and he doesn't feel anything but hormones and lust for her? What if someone else had moved in on him first? Sure, they had something of a thing before all the crap went down, but… Sollux never gave any of this any thought before right now. Man, he was a shitty matesprit.

He flung the door of his block open with psionics and went barreling through. He shut it behind himself as a reflex and had his hand on the door of his ablution block when it opened from the inside. He was not ready for this right now.

“Hi, Sollux.”

Feferi smoothed a tendril of long hair behind her earfin and stepped into view. She was wearing… some frothy sheer thing that was way too short and totally see-through and Sollux could absolutely not take his eyes off it.

“Do you like it? Kanaya made it for me.”

Sollux nodded dumbly, mouth agape. Feferi closed the distance and caught his dangling lip with hers, and it was all over. Sparks danced across his skin and he was pressed against the doorframe, standing on tiptoe and barely breathing and gasping for air and for her and happy just to have more of her. Everything was moving too fast and their bulges squirmed against each other and the damp fabric of his cargo pants clung to him uncomfortably. When did they both end up on their knees? He was dimly aware of his palmhusk beeping out a message announcement. Their eyes met for a moment, silently agreeing that whoever it was could wait. Sollux scrambled to gracelessly peel his pants away. Feferi pushed him flat on his back and chased him down with kisses. Her tongue slid down his throat at the same moment that she pushed herself down on him. Cool, smooth thighs gripped him almost as tightly as her nook, and she rutted hard against him. He couldn’t help but cry out incoherently as she metered out a desperate rhythm. She sat back on his hips, taking him in fully. Her breasts bobbed in time with her bouncing thrusts. Ruffles just concealed the vulgar junction where their two bodies became one, occasionally exposing them both on particularly enthusiastic movements. Sollux propped himself up on his elbows and watched her in amazement and lust and he was so close already and

His palmhusk was ringing. Ringing. Who needed something so bad that they would _call_?

Feferi ceased in her movements and Sollux regrettably flipped open his phone.

“hello-OH.” Feferi rocked her hips in long, slow circles with a surprisingly devious smile on her pretty face. Sollux stared in her eyes as the voice on the other end explained itself.

“Oh, 2hiit, iit’2 that late already? No, II diidn’t forget! Ii’ll be there a2ap.” She frowned a little, waiting for information.

“II’m 2uppo2ed two work iin the lab wiith EQ half an hour ago.”

“Well, don’t keep him wading, then.”

“FF, I can’t ju2t go liike…” The fuschia blood thrust him hard and deep inside her. Sollux came inside her throbbing nook with a wordless cry. She pulled back, a few drips of yellow escaping before his length was entirely out of her.

“Wha-- the paiil! Fef! You diidn’t come!” Feferi was already dismounting his hips.

“Go. Do your work. I‘ll wait for you when you’re done, just troll me when you’re on your way. Twice is always better, right?”

“Er, yeah… but what are you gonna do?” 

“I’ll just go clean up for now. It’ll be wharf the wait. I’ll sea you later!” And just like that, she grabbed the cover off the disused human bed and wrapped it around herself. She paused for a quick kiss and then snuck into the still early morning hallway. The yellow and black striped blanket shrouded her scandalous dress as she crept down the hall, filled with his mating fluids. Sollux would have to be stupid not to be red for a girl like that.

He picked himself up off the floor, cringing as his hipbones protested the sudden need to do their job. Shucking the remaining clothing, he showered the watery bloody spoogy crust he imagined himself to have accumulated and tossed on fresh clothes. There was a new coffeemaker in the lab, and he was going to have to drink that thing dry to stay awake. He only hoped that Equius hadn’t broken it already.


	17. fuck you, --Eridan

Gratefully, she encountered no one on her journey from Sollux’s block. She punched in a keycode and the door slid open. Wiping the hallway grime from her chilly bare feet on the overly plush carpet, she shrugged the blanket from her shoulders. It sat on the floor for only a moment before she thought better of it, and hastily captchalogued it. Making her way straight to the ablution chamber, she flung open the door.

Eridan floundered with, and ultimately dropped, a tonal playback device into the ablution trap he was ribs deep inside. Earbugs dangling uselessly, he turned to face the source of his alarm.

“Now just a glubbin minute there---!”

“How did you get Sollux in your block?” 

“Wwha? He came here on his owwn, if you—wwater you wwearin!?”

“I’ll let you keep looking if you’ll explain to me exactly why my matesprit left here covered in your scent and soaking wet.”

“Wwhy dontcha just ask him?” Eridan was already shamelessly eyeing her up.

“Unlike you, you piece of carp, he’s got things to do that matter.” He must have finally looked up high enough to catch the icy glare she was sending him, because he shifted uncomfortably and decided to cut the crappie.

“Sol wwas wwatchin some a them vvids I make and I guess he came dowwn here because a that?”

“Shorely you don’t expect me to believe that!” She crossed her arms, pressing her chest humps together, grubleg nubs rubbing against the silky sheer fabric. Eridan proceeded to talk to them.

“Honest! I dunno howw he sean’ them, I swwear! But, the last one I did wwent sorta wwrong and he came to sea if I wwas okay.” He looked down at the water and splashed absentmindedly before meeting her gaze. “Jealous?”

“I’m not jealous that you got an injury from f-eeling yourshellf up. So, Sollux came to check on you so you don’t undo the reset. He’s a pretty unshellfish guy, he even tolerated your presence. Don’t mistake it for anyfin else, Ampora.”

Eridan made that foul sound he passed off as laughter. He turned a shark’s smile at her.

“I kissed him wwith tongue, Fef.”

Feferi bristled as she let out a feral growl and lunged forward. She grabbed him by the throat and licked his lips briefly, tasting the honeyed tang of her matesprit.

“You..! Why does everyfin you do hold me back from what I want?!” 

Eridan made more choked laughter. “Wwhy do you keep comin back for moor?”

She shoved his face under the water. He made a few gurgling coughs before the idiot remembered he had gills. She let go and he sat back up, sputtering.

“That wwasn’t vvery nice. “ Eridan sat and rubbed the spit from the corner of his mouth.” You knoww wwhy you can’t reefsist me. Its because you have needs, and you knoww I’m the only one wwho can keep you satisfied.”

Why did he have to be right? Her skin crawled with agonizing lust. Coddamn seadweller pheromones. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she could constantly smell him from halfway across the meteor, having them wet and on her skin was just unbearable. That it was Eridan of all trolls was simply the _worst_.

“You. Satisfy me?” Feferi laughed bitterly. “You’ve taken yourshellf out of the game with an injury. Looks like I’ll have to keep Sollux tide down and fuck him gilly until you’re feeling better.” 

“Noww wwait, you don’t need to take it that far! I, uh.. it’s only my nook, so you can, you knoww…”

More than just a burning, she could hardly even think over her body’s craving. She stopped listening when she finally made the realization.

“You shit. You doused Sollux with your mating pheromones to get that kiss.”

“Wwhatevver you wwant to think. At least I didn’t do it on porpoise. You’re probably drowwnin the guy in em every chance you get. At least I got the courtesy to take care of most of it myself instead a forcing my buoy to be horny all the time.”

“I… wish you were out of my life!” Feferi was seaing pink with rage. She pushed him back under the water. She’d gotten all the info she needed, and she was just so SICK of his voice. She stepped in after him and anchored her feet on either side of his head, trapping him in place.

“You liar,” he sputtered as she crouched down, shoving her shins against his collarbones. He’d been aroused since maybe even before she arrived, and she was tired of ignoring her own need. 

“Shut up and put your mouth to better use.” She sat back, pressing her nook against his lips. The muffled comment he made was lost to thrilling vibrations against her oarfish. He made no hesitation in switching tasks, his tongue tracing her shameglobes before working its way inside her. She made a little frustrated huff and rested her full weight on him, fruitlessly trying to drive him deeper. Her bulge flicked against his throat. She idly fingered his tentacle, porpoisefully avoiding his globes. She wanted him as worked up as she was.

He might have been angling to say something when he bucked against her hand, but the future queen could not be bothered to care. She swatted away the ringed hands that clutched and caressed and clawed her thighs. She hooked her fingers just inside his nook and pressed against his globes. The yelp of pain felt delicious as the vibration carried along his tongue. At least his injury wasn’t some sort of red herring. His bulge flagged pathetically. She felt little hiccupping pulses. Cod, he was crying from it? And still, he was hellbent on eating her out the best he could. What a fool.

She squeezed his gills shut with her thighs , completely suffocating him for a moment. That reminded him of his priorities- to please his fucking queen. She gave his sorry bulge a long, milking tug before leaning back. She settled her hands on the trap floor behind her heels. Leg cramps were distracting her from the pleasure she wanted. She slowly straightened one perfect leg, and laid it down the length of his torso. Shifting her weight carefully, she stretched her toes out and traced along his ribs. He froze up momentarily as they danced along the angry dark scar, cutting across his body that was otherwise the paragon of troll beauty. It passed when she cradled the base of his bulge with the arches of her feet. When his hands kneaded her spread buttocks, she rewarded him by swirling the ball of her foot rhythmically against his external shameglobes. He pushed her up to the tip of his tongue, then set a bouncing rhythm into motion with his hands supporting her like a seat. For all the things Eridan lacked, he could not be faulted for his strength, or endurance. Feferi bit a finger to keep from crying out as the sensation finally overtook her orgasm starved orbs. She spilled her pent up fluids against his chest, and felt the flood gush from her nook as she lost the willpower to contain it. Her spent bulge lie against his throat, and she could feel him desperately trying to swallow all of what she gave him. Even as he came from the halfassed footjob, his tongue only ceased in its movements when she felt merely a trickle remained inside of her. He pushed up against her ass, until she was high enough to shift herself to perch on the edge of the trap. He sat up with a gasp, no longer able to breathe in the water so polluted with their hastily spilled genetic material.

“That wwas… you taste swweet… like…” Eridan looked at her with his stupid fucked-out face. She gave him a dry look, then swiped her fingers in her nook. She shoved them close too to his face, and a moment passed before he focused. It was her turn to wear the sharky smile behind the yellowed digits. She watched his face morph through a silent rollercoaster of emotions before choosing one to season his impending outburst with.

“…Like honey? …like Sollux?” She finished, prodding his yet unspoken words.

Eridan had nothing at all to say. Odd. He wiped the corner of his mouth with the pad of his thumb, and said absolutely nothing.

“I brought you a present. You’re supposed to say thank you.”

Still silence? Hatesex isn’t good without an arguement, and Fef could go another round for shore. She doubted Eridan would protest, but a little foreplay would be nice. Time to poke a little harder.

“It’s the only way you’re ever going to get it, so you should---“

“Fef,” he started slowly, “Nevver thought I wwas gonna say this, but get the fuck outta my block.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said _GET OUTTA MY SIGHT_ !!!!!”

The force of his voice rang off the walls, dizzying her. The look on his face was… it was the same look as when he krilled her. Her digestive sac suddenly in knots, she put on a brave attitude of defiance. She smirked as she decaptchalogued Sollux’s bee blanket in front of him. She wrapped it around herself and wordlessly left the ablution chamber. Hearing him pull the drain stopper, she thanked her lucky starfish that he wasn’t following her. The blanket-turned-cloak barely consealed her shivering. She’d somehow forgotten that Eridan was a trident true murderer. For the first time, she wondered how fincere all those apologies afterward really were as her pace unconchiously sped to a panicked run.


	18. chocolate covered blueberries

Equius ran his fingers over the dent in the door. He hadn’t meant to knock so hard. He uncurled his fist and flexed his fingers, waiting for the door to open. It was probably unlocked, but it was a matter of courtesy. He did not want to break the knob as well.

Clanging footsteps indicated the approach long before anything happened. The knob jiggled a few times before the door swung open. Tavros stuck his head in the hallway, or, he tried to. He got as far as his nose before he smacked his horn off the doorframe.

“Ow, uh, hey Equius. I guess that’s you, because I’m expecting you.” He opened the door wide and invited the blueblood inside.

Equius glanced around. Aside from the omnipresent pile of Fiduspawn plushes, the room was very neat. Tavros was still not the most graceful of creatures on his new legs. Equius supposed that things left on the floor became things broken and thusly discarded quite quickly.

“You can, um, set it up over here. It’s the ah, only place it will fit?”

“That will do. It is the same place I always use.” Equius decaptchalogued a machine almost as large as a colderator. Tavros obediently walked over and offered his arm. Equius set a tray of supplies on top of the machine.

“Do you still wish to stand?”

“Actually, can I sit down? It’s been a really long time since I did that?”

“So, then, are you beginning to e%perience the sensations the upgrades provide?”

“Uh…. Yes? No? I was never a robot before, so I don’t know if I feel all of it yet?”

“I see.” He carefully picked up the desk chair and brought it to the corner of the room.

“Um, thanks.” Tavros sat back a little suddenly, with a chagrined smile, and waited. The smile faded and he tenatively reached for the tray. He poured a little too much antiseptic on his arm, but it was polite for him to even bother. Equius finally succeeded in pulling on a pair of gloves, and screwed a fresh needle into place on the end of a long, thin syphon. It was admittedly a little large, but anything smaller would make the process longer. 

“Hold still.” Equius pushed the needle carefully into the plump vein in Tavros’ forearm. He didn’t even flinch. Brown blood syphoned through the tube at a controlled rate.

“Well done.”

“Um, yeah, that’s not so bad. Compared to some of the other things. That other trolls have, you know, done to me.”

“Mm.” Equius knelt down and unscrewed a tiny inlet near the top of his robotic hip. He held the catheter exiting the machine, and waited until the blood began to filter down. He fed the tube down inside the channel, and twisted the eyelet back down until the two made an airtight seal. He toweled off the caramelly drops that had escaped to his gloves and to the smooth metal plates of Tavros’ thigh.

“So, three hours?”

“More or less. I have made some improvements. Perhaps two and a half hours.” Equius picked up one metallic foot, inspecting the bottom for metal burrs and wear.

“Shorter? Uh, That’s good. I guess?”

“Yes, and no. It is complicated. Tell me if you e%perience pain in your arm.” A comfortable, familiar silence settled in the room. After their initial experience with this sort of thing, silence was best. That way, no hemospectrum slurs or incessant rambling occurred. It also allowed him better focus on his work. He slowly flexed each joint of the leg, fully absorbed in scrutinizing the glide of plate on plate, only pausing to add lubrication, or to hook a thin tool inside to dislodge a piece of grit. He watched his hand as he carefully set the delicate tool on the ground next to his knee. You’d never know he’d had an arrow through it.

Hmm, he could have sworn he just heard soft footsteps behind him. He strained his ears to hear them again. 

The metal to his face took him by complete surprise. Tavros grabbed him by the horns, rocking his smooth genderless crotch against his cheek and lips. He pulled his hair and thumbed the broken edge of horn and panted and grunted and spread his legs.

“This shit gets you off harder than any bulge ever could, doesn’t it blueboy?” Tavros rasped.

“Haha, that is soooooooo awkward. You guys do some weird shit! I think I’ll see myself out now…”

“Vriska stop it!!” She snapped her fingers and Tavros fell limp in the chair for a second. Hands slipped away from hair and horn, and hung limply at his sides. The dialysis tube strained at the distance. Strong hands placed his appendage back on the armrest, then he stood to his full height. He turned a cold look to the cerulean upstart who was still snickering from the doorway between rooms. 

“You are not welcome here.”

“Riiiiiiiight, my arm is all better. I guess I don’t need you to take care of it anymore. Tell me, would you caress my arm and hold me delicately like your new toy over there? Or is that reserved for the harem of metal Aradias you fuck when you sleep?”

Beads of sweat rolled down his back. He really should not listen to her 100d accusations, however enticing they were. How very depraved. 

“Vriska, why don’t you just, uh, go somewhere else for a while? Because I don’t want you here.”

“Because I don’t want you here! “ She mocked, miming his ridiculously huge horns with her hands. “I couldn’t stay even if I wanted to, I have soooooooo many irons in the fire. They don’t just tend to themselves, you know.”

“Go. Make your hasty exit, now that you have burnt your hands on this one. But I will tell you this, burns do not heal so quickly.” He strongly resisted the urge to towel himself, peeling off his gloves instead.

“Ooooooooh, scary.” Her tone was still playful, but her eyes quizzical. “Seeeeeeee ya!” Vriska floated out of the room with a toss of her hair.  
“I really thought she was gone.”

Equius said nothing, toweling himself off instead. Thank God she was gone. He felt so much distain for her. Not hate, certainly not the pure hate that he and Aradia shared. She would never be worthy of such a thing.

“I’m sorry, Equius.I guess she can still get to me.” Tavros kicked at the ground a little. “You, uh, don’t have to stay.” A heavy silence filled the room as the large troll bent down and resumed his inspection of the other leg.

“Why do you live with her?”

“Um.”

“Would not literally any other troll be preferable to her? Or, living alone?” He could not keep the %ness out of his voice.

“Everybody stays away from her…. So…”

“Surely you don’t pity her for that?” Equius wiped his brow at the reprehensible thought.

“No! No. It just… keeps everyone away from me, too.”

“Mm.” The large troll did not know how to respond. He silently completed his repairs.

“Stand.” Tavros clumsily responded.

“Is the interface not functioning properly?”

“No, see, I think I was always clumsy? I fell down stairs before I had these…”

“You had wheels instead of legs, I imagine that had something to do with it?”

“I had legs before I had wheels. I think the wheels made it easier, actually. And I, um… was still whole then.”

Equius carefully put the tool back in its proper place, and looked pointedly at the brownblood, waiting for him to continue.

“Um, no! It’s not that I’m ungrateful for what you have done! At all! I love walking!”

“But…” Equius prompted, grinding his teeth. He did not take lightly to having his work shunned.

“I lost… a lot to get this. More than I knew I would.” The pain in his eyes was obvious. It made him look older than his sweeps.

“Is there something I missed? I was very thoroughbred in my replications…”

“I uh, I lost Gamzee.”

“The Highb100d?” This fudgeblood held the attention of the most regal of all trolls? When was this? He toweled away a fresh sweat.

“He was my matesprit. It wasn’t really official or anything, but I guess that’s a good word to use. For what we were.”

Equius could not hide his surprise. He picked a second towel up in his free hand.

“I see.”

Coffee tears shone in the corners of his gold eyes.

“How did my roboti% ruin this, exactly?” He knew the Highblood had been justified in killing him! Destroying a matespritship is an e%cellent reason. 

“Why… why did she have to cut so high? Couldn’t she have just taken off my legs or something?”

Equius allowed him to continue, hoping the explanation would make sense.

“I mean, I guess you can’t be too accurate with a chainsaw. But…”

“But...” Equius spurred him on.

Tavros wiped his eyes and sort of smiled through them.

“Tell me. I command you to.”

“Gamzee is, um, this is embarrassing. Uh, physical?”

“The Highb100d has no need to suppress his urges.” Oh, there are not enough towels in his syllabus for this.

“He used to get a little… carried away. When we would uh, kiss a lot?”

“Go on.”

“I would let him. I mean… my, uh… “ Tavros hung his head and stared at the floor. “He would, with his, um, and my…”

“So… you fulfilled your concuspient obligations with him.”

“Uh, yeah, that’s a fancy way to put it. I, uh, liked it, too. I kind of couldn’t control it, but it felt nice. Like, I couldn’t move my, uh…”

“Legs?”

“D-d… deposit stalk. “ Equius was down to his last towel. His eyes scanned the barren room for a backup plan.

“But his worked just fine! And he didn’t care that mine, uh, did whatever it did. It felt nice…”

“It typically does.” He dabbed at the back of his neck with one of the lesser-exploded fiduspawn plushes.

“No! I’m not like that! I mean, it felt nice that someone still wanted me like that, the way I was. But…”

“But… when you became robotic, there was no longer a method of doing this?”

“I, uh, tried, but it wasn’t really working. I don’t feel anything anymore. Its like cutting me in half cut that part out of my brain too. I felt like I couldn’t be with him like that, anymore. Since I stopped thinking about it entirely.”

“I see.” Equius had never considered how a troll’s thinkpan would rewire itself after a loss of such a large perCENTage of itself. When one removed the arms and legs of a pilot, they were wired directly into the ship, and their brain was immediately presented with another sense to process. He had failed to provide enough of a sensory challenge to Tavros’ mind. Being lower on the hemospectrum, he thought there would be less of a need for such a thing. He abhorred miscalculations.

“Why… why couldn’t I have come back whole? Like Vriska? Her arm was restored! I was normal again when I was dead… I think I was happier!” Tavros ceased in his fight against the tears, and let them run down his face in little muddy tracks.

“Sollux told us when you came back… The game could only reload data that was saved. He chose this version of you because your stats were higher.”

“I think I hate this game!” Equius stood unmoving, completely at a loss of what to do. He should not have to do anything at all. He agreed to maintain the parts he created for as long as it took to finish the session. He was not prepared for this situation.

The alarm on the machine dinged, signaling its completion. Equius let out an audible sigh of relief. The silence still weighed heavy in the room as he put on new gloves, and carefully removed the needle from his forearm. Tavros was quick to clamp the gauze square down over the little dot it left behind. Equius had almost broken his arm the first time. He prudishly removed the infeed tube from the hip connection at arm’s length. Sniffles subsided as he packed up the machinery, and captchalogued it.

“Uh, you don’t have to come back anymore. I think it would be better if you didn’t have to filter my blood all the time. It, um, must be really awful for you to have to touch it. I know it bothers you. You haven’t called it filth in a little while though. Thank you.” 

Had he been calling it that? The color that the Highblood had chosen as most desirable?

“You would die without this.”

“I think that might be okay.” Tavros looked small, in the desk chair, in the empty room. Lowblood. Filthy lowblood, literally. His body could no longer remove most of the waste it produced. To leave him alone for a week would be murder. Murder of the plaything that was good enough for the Highblood, who never saw colors below the skin. It was Equius who had broken that toy and caused it to be thrown away. This toy knew its place… it begged to be culled, and on Alternia, Equius would not have hesitated. And still, he asked so softly…

“Unthinkable. I will continue to repair you.” Equius had not fulfilled his task. His body would live, but his mind disagreed. Tavros as a whole was under his care, now, the victim of Equius’ inadequacy. This was… une%pected.

“Please, everything is so empty now, I, uh, don’t think you were listening…”

Some things cannot be fixed by machinery. Nepeta had told him that so many times. While he would normally defend his point to the death, he may owe her an apology this time, and a thanks. Her carefully scrawled notebooks told him exactly what to do. Equius bent down and pressed his lips against Tavros’ chapped and trembling ones.

“Allow me to fix all your problems.”

“Um… “

“I will return tomorrow.”

“I don’t need treatment for three days.”

“I know.” The blueblood softly kisssed one expansive horn, and was rewarded with a tiny smile.

“That’s better.”

He slipped out of the door and closed it SO SOFTLY. Turning on his heel, he felt hands on his shoulders.

“Tssssssss! So hot! No, wait, you’re just tepid. Guess you can’t burn me after all.” Vriska made a show of shaking the sweat off her hands.

Equius shrugged his shoulders and cracked his neck.

“You are a f001. Go play your petty games elsewhere.“

“But playing with you and Tav is soooooooo fun. Or, do you not want to share toys anymore?”

“He does not belong to you.”

“Hahaha ,you didn’t even try to deny that you think he’s just a toy! We think so much alike. Say, do you want to make this into some sort of game? We can take turns giving him a little affection, and watch him struggle to figure everything out, and...”

The grown rising unconsciously in his throat must have warned her to dodge his punch.

“You shouldn’t skip breakfast. It makes you grouchy! We can discuss this when you come back for your little playd8 tomorrow.” 

“You will not be present for that.” Claws cut into his skin as his fists tightened.

She cast a puzzled glance at the drop of blue on the floor. A fake smile warmed her face. She patted him on the arm.

“Breakfast. Really. Doesn’t your moirail take care of you?” She turned on her heel and started to the nutrition block, shaking her head distainfully.

Insulting his moirail? Well, that really tears it now, doesn’t it? The straw that broke the dual-humped hoofbeast’s back.

She had to die.


	19. Trading Spaces, Hivebent Edition

Kanaya did not know that Rose could run so fast.

Hand in hand, she tagged along far less gracefully then she’d like to admit. They reached the transporter room, and only then did the blonde put her hands on her knees and heave great puffs of air, catching her breath noisily.

“Was that part of your plan? I do wish you would fill me in with just a few of your casual spoilers.”

When Rose looked up, there was a huge smile on her face. It was the kind of smile a pouncebeast might wear, if pouncebeasts wore smiles, when it had happened upon a fat featherbeast with a broken wing. While she may not be a troll, she was still menacing enough to make Kanaya’s heart flutter. Oh, be still, sweet dangerous pump biscuit.

“We took too long at the alchemeter!” We almost didn’t make it before…” She looked up suddenly, then made a lunge for Kanaya as one of the pads crackled to life. They tumbled into the empty room as whoever it was stepped into a freshly vacant transporter room.

Rose stood first, smoothing the counterfeit tee. The black offset the orange leggings in a jarring way. It was a small wonder no one had seen them. She offered a hand to Kanaya, who gracefully accepted. She would not have worn a skirt if she had expected this sort of activity level in today’s adventure.

“I am still amazed that such deception works so flawlessly.”

“Truth be told, I am quite surprised that no one has ascertained our technique. Or, tried it themselves. Then again, you would know even before I would, then, wouldn’t you?”

“Of all the things the others have asked me to create for them, a shirt bearing another troll’s symbol is something I would unwaveringly refuse.”

“But you are fine with me wearing them?”

“You are not a troll.”

“I love your double standards.”

“You will have to explain that to me.” Kanaya glanced around the block. Their work was really cut out for them this time. There was almost nothing in here, just sorted piles of assorted types.

“Another time perhaps. Those posters are terribly offensive.”

“While I prefer more modern art myself, I hardly think one can consider classical art ‘offensive.”

“Are furries really considered classical art to troll society? On Earth, a minority group of humans reveled in this sort of imagery, and the roleplay that it inspired. Some went so far as to create intricate suits of fur so they could fully realize their ‘fursonas’, and proceeded to wear them publically. They often encountered much shaming and resentment.”

“They crafted fur suits? Is it possible for you to show me their handiwork?”

“That is not the reaction I was expecting. Thank you for your refreshing take on the bizarre actions of my species. Now help me cram these things into the gilded frames we made.”

The girl decaptchalogued a huge mess of things loosely categorized as “Equiuslike.” It had taken some careful balancing and a weird series of associations to end it as a terminal leaf in her tree modus. 

“I was unaware that he already had a human bed.”

“I should think I’d worry if you had known.”

“That’s dirty, Kanaya.” Rose’s words sounded stern, but the uncharacteristic snicker said she didn’t mind much. With each poster given a regal blue mat and ornate brushed gold frame, the girls hurriedly set about hanging them around the bed in the corner.

“They are… looking at me.”

“Well, being a Seer, I can only help but to impart the feeling that everyone’s being watched. Although, strategically hanging them so their huge, eerily intelligent eyes are all directed towards the center of the bed may have had something to do with that. Do you have the big one?”

The jade blood rushed to stop the five foot canvas from flopping over the second it emerged from her modus. The horse leered at her with its eye, easily the size of her fist. It was a nice enough image, with the horse turned, looking down its spine. Why the horse’s rear had to encompass the entire foreground of the image was a little lost on her, or not, seeing as how Dave himself apparently picked this image specifically for them.

“Do hoofbeasts grow this large on your planet? Please put that in past tense as appropriate.”

“No, they don’t. I suppose it’s artistic to make something larger than it is. I’m assuming that’s the same reason the genitalia on all these posters are outlandishly huge?”

“I did not notice any such exaggeration.”

“So they’re…” Rose mumbled something under her breath. “ I can say in this one aspect, I am grateful to have never seen the troll homeworld. Let’s hang that so it stares at the bed from the far wall, okay?”

She stole a quick kiss before the two of them wrangled the enormous stretched fabric wall decoration into place. It may have, in fact, been easier to maneuver a live creature into the same position.

“What is all of this made of…?” Kanaya began pushing a mammoth clawfooted dresser into position. The furniture looked like wood, but looped in with the grain was opaque black striping.

“When I input the codes, I combined them with Equius’s comb. It said unbreakable, and it wasn’t actually broken yet. I thought it might lend some resilience to our creations. It would be a shame to let all our effort go to waste, no?”

“Rose, your amazing foresight will never cease to… amaze me.” 

“So, what is it you were trying to explain to me last night?”

“About what?” 

“If I am not mistaken, you alluded to some change in the relationship between your brother and our former leader?”

“Oh that,” Rose snickered. “Dave demanded that Karkat act on his caliginous feelings.”

Kanaya’s eyes were as wide as they had ever been. She assumed that may have been the case, but the other way around, perhaps. But, to hear it said so plainly was just… “Wait, you said that he was rejected? As to say, Karkat turned him down?”

“Yeah. I guess he doesn’t hate him after all.”

“Well, that is a surprise. I should think a romantic at heart such as our Karkat would jump at the chance to have a meaningful relationship.”

“Oh, I think he already did.”

“But, did you not just say…I am no longer following? Perhaps you would care to share a few descriptive details to illuminate the strange and twisted path that is the workings of your beautiful mind?”

“ I think I can use this in my auspicing. Lets talk about it tonight. Shouldn’t we finish this first?”

The two girls eyed the remaining items. A pair of wardrobes, one black and the other white, both with the same plastic marbling throughout. It was Kanaya’s idea to blend them with the knights from Rose’s chess set. They were large enough to accommodate whatever clothing Equius owned, certainly. A gorgeous desk with beautifully carved hoofed feet, and a coordinating work table. Then, there was a strange, peaked …table?

“What is the purpose of this peculiar item? It does not seem to resemble anything we have made before.”

“That is a piece of furniture referred to as a ‘horse’. While it originated as a device for the cruel and public punishment of humans deviating from the social norms during a rather dark time for humanity, it was later embraced by a deviant group of an entirely different mindset. It is typically used among partners or groups that form sexual relationships based on the giving or receiving of pain and humiliation. A person designated as ‘submissive’ is to sit on the narrow edge. The pressure crushes their sensitive genitals, to whatever result the dominant partner is trying to achieve. From what I’ve been told, Equius may very well be interested in joining a group such as that? It is simply scandalous to put such a ‘100d’ item in his private block. Can you imagine his reaction when he learns what this is? The name is also synonymous with ‘hoofbeast’. I figure we can hang towels on it.”

“Devious, truly. Your human relationships are very intriguing. Perhaps you have literature on this subject?”

“A wide variety, Miss Maryam. And, if you should so choose, we can report back to this very furnishing at a later date and test any theories or conjectures you may form after digesting such information. For science, of course.” 

“The pursuit of science is noble; Equius surely would not object?” Kanaya was grinning fang to fang. “Perhaps he may wish to observe? Until then, let us finish the task at hand, so we may fully direct our focus toward this future project.”

They pushed a large roll of bound yarn to the center of the room and unfurled it. Rose called it simply, ‘a rug.’ Kanaya had to admit, she was starting to understand fashion for interior spaces. Humans seemed to take great joy in creating completely nonfunctional items simply for the purpose of dressing a room. Rose had a natural talent for it. The thick rug was soft underfoot, and the mottled gray and off-white pattern brightened the dreary space. A few strange lamps completed the look. It made her sad to think there were only three living spaces left until every room was well dressed.

There was a downside to all this newfound creativity... shovelling the unfortunate victim’s hulking mess into the new mess containment units. Kanaya had suggested cutting Sollux or Aradia in on the deal at first, due to their mental kinetic abilities, but the human had seemed keen on the idea that it was much more rewarding to do it themselves. A bedside table full of fresh sheets, the horse draped with thick, fluffy towels, and a few of the piles of parts jammed into the worktable storage. All that was left was to hang his clothes. Strangely absent from the piles strewn about the room was any sort of clothing. There was a bit in the ablution block, but it certainly wasn’t enough to clothe a person of Equius’ size.

“Do you think he keeps his clothing in his sylladex?”

“That would be odd. Maybe he has a closet? Doors are awfully hard to find in this place sometimes.” 

“This is true. Should we each search a wall?”

“Yes, but let’s hurry. There’s not much time left!” Rose dashed across to the far wall, running her fingers down seams and tugging on anything that seemed like a handhold.

Watching her seemed like a very nice way to pass the time, but the task at hand was almost complete, and what purpose would there be in spacing out now? Kanaya turned to face the wall in front of her. Oh, there it was, the door. It did blend very well with the harsh metallic paneling of the room, but still, easy enough to find. She pulled the latch open, and there was a pile of garments, nearly floor to ceiling in the narrow space. As she gathered some of it up in her arms, something caught her eye. What appeared to be a small niche was actually a much larger room than she’d thought. Curiosity got the better of her, and she squeezed past the pile. She popped out a moment later, silently cursing her luminous skin for revealing the room in such clarity. She hastily shoved the door shut as Rose eyed her curiously.

“His clothing is… torn. And soiled. From fighting his battle robots.” She said, a little too quickly.

“Are you sure that’s what it is, Kanaya?”

“Er…” No use in lying. Changing the subject maybe? “ I think in this one instance, we will allow the occupant to fill the clothing containment units.”

“Okay, you win. I’m just sad I didn’t find the closet first. What’s really in there?”

“Is it not time for us to have a meal? “

“Oh, Kanaya, if it makes you that uncomfortable, I just have to see.” Rose pushed past her and poked her head though the blockade of crumpled fabric.

“Oh, I can see how he might want to keep that to himself.”

“Shall we pretend we never opened the door?”

“He must captchalogue all his clothing. So strange.”

“Not a scrap to be found. I shall offer to make him some before he is forced to go nude as the beasts he so loves.”

Their eyes met as they dissolved into giggles. If they ever needed a favor from Equius, at least they had leverage. A loud growl from somewhere in the vicinity of the blonde girl’s belly reminded them of the time.

“Shall we nourish ourselves?” Kanaya watched Rose remove the bogus Sagittarius tee. Her robe underneath was a bit rumpled, but otherwise non-suspicious.

“Last one to the kitchen is a rotten egg!” Rose took off running as soon as the door was cleared. Kanaya sighed, shed her decorum, and hitched her skirt to her knees. She was doomed to be the festering unhatched young of a cluckbeast. She was really going to have to make herself some clothes suited to distance running.


	20. nobody likes Vriska

“Are you motherfucking vibrating again bro?”

“No, you panrotted fuckass, that’s my palmhusk. And I never purred!” The husk continued to vibrate in Karkat’s front pocket. Why was it in his front pocket? It was really annoying. And his hands were busy.

“Didn’t say nothing about no purring, my most fine invertebrother. So, aren’t you gonna answer a motherfucker?”

“Whoever it is can go back to shamefully fingering themselves for a few more minutes. I’m sure the realization that other people exist will pass.”

“But, what if its all, like, important?” Karkat could just feel the sad clown face from the head resting on his shoulder. It was simply not fair that he didn’t even have to see it for it to break down his resolve.

“Goddammit, I’m almost done making first meal. If I stop stirring it’ll get all lumpy and I’m not eating it like that. If you’re so concerned about what someone needs from me, then you can answer it.” There, happy Gamzee. Also, that was a way to solicit a free gropefest. Gamzee dropped one hand from his waist to worm his cold fingers into the offending pocket. Husk withdrawn after too much time feeling around for it, the highblood then busied himself pulling up the flashing Trollian conversation. Karkat felt himself flush to the ears as he found a pair of probably clean bowls. He dumped slop in both of them and set them on the table.

“Well?”

“Solbro says he all has the like, ‘records of alcheimeter use’ for you. Why’s a brother want that for?”

“Grist rationing. We’re here for a while yet. I don’t want us to starve to death or something stupid before we get to go running to our undoubtedly painful end in the new session.” He barely sat down before he started dumping the contents of his bowl down his protein chute. Gamzee’s thumbs moved like lightning.

“Stop talking to Sollux. Your firstmeal will get cold.” Karkat scowled around a mouthful. His husk made a strained beep as long purple fingers set it on the nutrition mesa.

“Oh.” Gamzee took a big scoop of the grey stuff that Karkat was shoveling down his chute at top speed. He didn’t take a second. 

“This stuff’s like, terrible, bro.”

“Yeah, that’s why you eat it fast.” He watched as the lanky mess of limbs untangled itself from around the chair and fished through the meal cabinets.

“I already put grubsauce in it. It really doesn’t help.” Karkat examined a spoonful. The little flaky chunks of some sort of plant clumped together. Was this shit really good for you? The humans insisted it was. Were nutritional needs even the same between species? As he was contemplating, his bowl vanished from beneath his spoon. He looked up dully to see Gamzee gleefully dumping shit in both bowls. He watched, mystified, as container after container of whatever-the-fuck-it-was was opened. When the handful of crushed toasted grubs hit the slop, Karkat snatched the bowl back. Gamzee chased the bowl back across the table in time to impart a healthy handful of special stardust.

“Honk!”

“What are you even doing with all that? Now I’m gonna have to chew this giant shitastrophe…” He sulkily took another bite of grey slop. Oh.

“What the fuck did you do?” It… had a taste. A good one. Chewing was somehow tolerable. Or, desirable? 

“Miracles, bro!” Gamzee shoveled the stuff down merrily. Probably should have made more for a guy that size.

“Yeah, okay, whatever.” This time, it just might be one. He could have done without the glitter, though.

“Who’s in here?” Vriska stuck her head in the entryway. Karkat cringed. Before he could fire off a statement to repel her, Gamzee spoke up.

“Karbro made firstmeal! You want some spidersis?”

“Eeeeeeeeww, not if he made it.” Vriska marched over to the ailiminator and punched in a few numbers. 

“Fuck you very much, I am an excellent cook. Even if Gamzee helped a little.” 

“Oh my god, teamwork? You guys are taking this moirails thing pretty seriously.” Vriska made a disdainful little laugh. Karkat chose not to respond at all. She swung open the machine door and withdrew a great fat roast featherbeast with all the Twelfth Perigee’s Eve fixings.

“Are you REALLY going to eat all that?” 

“And get chubby like you? No, I’ll just throw away what I don’t want.”

“See, this is exactly the wasteful shit I am talking abou WHAAA!?” Did that flighty bitch just call him fat? That flighty bitch just called him fat. 

“Seriously, your chest humps are gonna be bigger than mine in a perigee. “ She looked down and cradled her nearly nonexistent ones. “ I can see why you’re eating diet food.”

Karkat opened his mouth to unleash a punishing tirade of words into her aural spongeclots, but again it was Gamzee who reacted first. 

“It AIN’T NICE to call a brother NAMES, chica.” He brought the club down on the roast bird with the sickening crunch of bones. Vriska regarded him carefully, then sighed and tossed her hair.

“I’m sorry, Karkat. Your big shirt just made me think you were filling it with fat,” she pouted. “Would you like a leg?” She sweetly extended it to him like the proverbial olive branch she was always blathering about. 

“No I don’t want a fucking leg.” Karkat had no idea when he’d walked around the table to pap Gamzee’s arm. Gamzee withdrew his club and recaptchalogued it. Colors everywhere.

“Maybe… you want the breast then?” Her suggestive tone was obscenely… annoying.

“NO I DON’T WANT ANY OF YOUR STUPID WASTEFUL FOOD!” Karkat yelled, even as he felt his hand reaching for it. “AND STOP MAKING ME TAKE IT!!!”  
“Fine,” she said, eyes downcast and wearing another fake pout. “I guess this will all just go to waste then—“ She broke her hold over Karkat and looked up just in time to see Gamzee choking down huge sections of meat- bones and all.

“I’ll all up and share with you sis.” He was wrist deep in the bird, ripping out grubstuffing by the handful.

“Hey, that’s mine!” She hurried to grab any savory bits remaining for herself, while the clown made short work of the side dishes.

“See bro? I got this!” Yeah, Karkat was totally right about Gamzee needing to eat more.

“You know what? This is all fucking stupid. I’m out of here.”

“Awwwwwwww you’re just gonna leave? No big fat palesmooch goodbye?” He turned a withering look to her, which he suddenly realized looked exactly like all the other faces he makes.

“See you later, Gamzee, psychospiderbitch.” He turned and stormed out of the room. As soon as he turned the corner, he realized his forgotten palmhusk on the table. Fuck.

“…Gam-zeeeeeeee, why doesn’t he like me?” He could hear her whining before he even reentered the room. He shot a sympathetic look to his best friend. Gamzee acknowledged him by exaggeratedly blowing him a kiss with his shiny chicken-greasy hand. Karkat reciprocated without thinking… just as Vriska turned in her chair to face him. He grabbed his husk and dashed out of the room before the mutinous red blush could crawl past the collar of his shirt and advertise his mutant status all over his pale fucking face. 

“My goodness, where is the fire, Karkat?” He nearly bowled the tall troll over in his efforts to fucking abscond. Way to go, Vantas.

“OH FUCK THERE’S A FIRE?” Really, it was only a matter of time until someone did something so phenomenally stupid as endangering all fourteen of their lives at once. He shouldn’t be so surprised. Or panicked. Calm down, Karkat, maybe it’s not too late to--- Rose was giggling.

“WHY IS THAT FUNNY?”

“Pardon my use of the human expression. What I meant is, where are you going so quickly? Is it something that requires such dire and immediate attention?”

“I’m going to the lab. And away from spiderbitch.”

“Oh, Miss Serket is ahead?” Kanaya stopped walking forward. The human tugged on her partner’s slender gray hand.

“Come on, lets go eat.”

“I have a few things I have seemingly forgotten to do. Running into our friend here has reminded me. Karkat, did you not need me to finish the items you’ve requested?”

“What are you talking about, Kanaya? I don’t-“ 

What’s that look on her face? Is she…? She is. She’s begging him to go with her. 

“UM, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY’RE NOT FINISHED? I CAN’T WAIT ANOTHER DAY! OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN’T GET ANYTHING DONE WITHOUT MY FORMERLEADERLY SUPERVISION.” Nice cover, Karkat. Why did they both roll their eyes?

“Yes, I suppose you are correct in that assumption. Please oversee the completion of your items.”

“Wait, what’s in the works?” Rose narrowed her eyes at the two. 

“A new shirt.” “PANTS.” 

Uh oh, the jig was up. Now they were gonna have a big awkward conversation. She opened her mouth to speak, but Kanaya cut her off.

“I have heard that the Mayor was making plans to build a craft store on the edge of town. It would be unfortunate if no one interrupted Terezi's plans to make it a red chalk store. You remember what happened when no one was there to contend with her about the courthouse…”

“Yes, now we regrettably can’t build a prison, because every criminal gets an immediate death sentence. I won’t let her drive the ability for the residents to purchase yarn from the town as well. Although, we do have a rather lovely gallows. You are off the hook for now, you two, but you’d better explain later.”

She turned to the momentarily bewildered, perpetually angry troll. “And I think you already know where the fire is.” She poked him squarely in the chest where his bloodpusher should be. Kanaya raised an eyebrow.

Oh, fuck her for being a Seer. Why the fuck does she know every goddamn secret everybody has? Fuck this life. One Karkat Fucking Vantas had the great misfortune that she walked around him only after that horrific exchange. Thank you universe, for not just letting them walk past him instead of all this, blissfully free of any interaction beyond one comparatively cheery human hello and two troll grunts. Fuck everything.

He followed the tall jadeblood down the hall.

“Thank you, Karkat, I will make you something for your efforts. Free of charge, of course.”

“It’s no big deal. I can understand wanting to be nowhere near Serket.”

A few steps passed in silence.

“She has been making unwanted flushed advances at me.”

“I thought she didn’t feel that way about you.”

“Apparently she changed her opinion when I disposed of Ampora for his destructive behavior.“

“Oh. She’s apparently rekindled her interests in him too, after that whole thing. I didn’t know there was anything between the two of you anymore. I mean, you guys aren’t even moirails now, right?”

“No, Karkat, we have no relationship.”

“I didn’t mean to bring it up like that! Fuck.”

“I am fine with it.”

“Oh.”

A few more steps.

“How are things with you and Gamzee?” Karkat felt his face flush again, so he did the only logical thing to hide it. He jogged down the hall to the Virgo door.

“Uh, don’t you really fucking not like him? You don’t have to ask just to be polite.”

“Is there something you do not wish to tell me?” Damn, she’s quick.

“NO, EVERYTHING’S FINE!” He shifted from foot to foot, waiting for her to catch up. 

The door slid open to reveal tacky, shiny useless cloth everywhere. It sparkled like somebody glued boondollars to half the fabric, and stuff that reminded him of Eridan’s shitty taste in jewelry dangled from the edges of the rest of it. Yellow and orange and green and purple everywhere. Terezi would have a fucking nosegasm and lick everything in a stupor. As it stood, Karkat squinted and felt as if he’d have a headache before he left. In retrospect, the shit they did to his block was relatively mild.

“What the fuck did you do to your block?”

Kanaya glided past him. All the baubles and trinkets caught the soft light from her skin and sparkled and danced as she moved past and looking at it made you question if magic maybe really was real and Gamzee is never, never coming into this block, because he would NEVER, NEVER leave.

“It’s reminiscent of how royalty of a certain part of the human world adorned their living quarters. Rose said she had never seen it personally, but always enjoyed it.”

“I guess it’s pretty, in a foreboding sort of way.”

“Thank you.”

“I didn’t actually mean that as a complement, but if you like filling your block with a thousand fucking dark corners and hiding places, far be it from me to suggest that might be a bad idea.”

“I’m touched that you are concerned for my safety, but I am capable of taking care of myself.”

Karkat heaved a huge, dramatic sigh. You can’t be ornery to someone who refuses to hear your words for what they are. Not that he was trying to be ornery. He just, well, was. Kanaya drifted into another part of the block. The light filtered around bullshit draperies and useless dangly shit. There sure was a lot of shit in here. He passed through a beaded partition (fucking useless) and into a much more sensible room. Kanaya pulled several items off a storage component and rolled them out on a table.

“To keep our intentions true to our words, what would you like me to make for you?”

“There’s nothing wrong with what I wear.”

“Of course not, it’s just… plain.”

“And that matters because…?”

“Is there not a certain someone you would like to, impress, perhaps?”

“FUCK NO.”

“Alright, no concuspient interests? I see...” Karkat pulled the neck of his shirt up to his ears and growled a little. This is exactly why he hated talking to anybody. His treacherous blood rushed to his face the second anyone said anything stupid, threatening to divulge its filthy mutant secret for everyone to know. Kanaya tactfully looked down at a bolt of cloth. 

“Perhaps a softer shirt? For when you have a serious paledate?” Karkat pulled the shirt up to his hairline. Even then, he was probably glowing red right through his scalp.

“That’s fine.”

“So things are going well for the two of you then. I’m glad to hear it. Please come here, I need your measurements.”

“Can’t you just measure one of my other shirts? You’re not planning on changing anything. YOU’RE NOT CHANGING ANYTHING.” He leered over his collar for emphasis. 

“Well, maybe just a little?”

“I don’t want any of your cumbersome frivolous bullshit, Kanaya.” He pulled his shirt to its proper position to give an unobstructed view of the particularly disapproving scowl he was sending her way. She casually hung the measuring tape over her shoulders and applied her signature lipstick. Damn, you can’t argue with those negotiation skills. Karkat begrudgingly stood.

“Please? I won’t make anything impractical. You’ll be ready for a battle in a moment’s notice, just… as you are now?”

“Why did you make that sound like a question?” he said flatly. “ I am always ready to put shit is its place with an alarming amount of physical violence.”

“Yes, I see.” She proceeded to wrap the stupid numbers strip around him in various uncomfortable places while making little hmms and tsks and other assorted nonverbal noises. He hissed when she measured his chest right across the grubleg nubs. Like, there’s a million spots on his chest, and her cold ass hands had to just rub all over them? 

“Calm down, it’s the widest part of your chest. You want thi—“

“Fuck, you too? Spiderbitch said the same thing! I don’t have chest humps. I’m not fat! I’m stouterrible! Solid…angerous. Aw, fuck it, I’m fat.”

Kanaya stared as he lifted the hem of his shirt and glared at his belly, poking it violently where his muscles might have shown.

“There is nothing wrong with your physique. Since when do you believe Vriska about anything? Wasn’t that one of your rules? ‘No one ask Serket’s opinion on anything, it’s utterly invalid?”

“Yeah, it was… but I think I said ‘fuck’ a few times in there.”

“The essence remains the same.” 

“Yeah, thanks.” A tiny smile flicked across his face. He smothered it with a fresh scowl, but not soon enough. Kanaya smiled too, and there was this awkward moment where they enjoyed each other’s company. Kanaya tactfully put her back head down and unrolled a bolt. A silence settled over them as Kanaya set to work, cutting various pieces of thankfully black fabric.

Karkat remembered that he was supposed to meet Sollux at the lab. Oops. He pulled out his palmhusk and fired off a message.

\--carcinoGeneticist[CG] began trolling twinArmageddons[TA]--

CG: I GOT CAUGHT UP IN SOME IMPORTANT STUFF.

CG: SO I’M NOT COMING TO THE LAB.

CG: JUST SEND ME THE FILE.

CG: AND DON’T YOU DARE CODE IT, YOU SELF-PLEASURING NOOKSTUFFER, BECAUSE IF I CAN’T GET INTO IT WITH MINIMAL EFFORT AND HAVE TO COME LOOKING FOR YOU, I WILL BREAK YOUR FACE IN SO MANY PLACES, THE LAST THING YOU WILL REMEMBER IS YOUR FUCKED UP BRAIN LEAKING OUT OF THE CRACKS IN YOUR FRESHLY BIFURCATED SKULL SCREAMING ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’

CG: I SAID THAT TWICE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR OBSESSION. SEE, I CAN BE ACCOMMODATING.

\--carcinoGeneticist[CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons[TA]--

The sound of the fabric merging machine stopped, and Kanaya held up something that looked … somewhat like a shirt.

“Do you still want your symbol in gray?”

“YES.”

“Karkat, I do not think anyone would care what color your blood is anymore. There are no drones, no Alternia, and no law aside from whatever opinion Equius chooses to voice, which we are all well aware can be silenced with a firm command.”

“You make no convincing argument. Drop the subject.”

“Sorry to have mentioned it.”

“Good, or else I would have to make you sorry.” 

Kanaya wiped the smirk off her face before she settled a small strange box on top of the shirt, and pressed it down. Karkat wandered over in time to see her lift it up, Cancer symbol freshly emblazoned on the soft material.

“That’s kind of a weird thing to have.”

“What would make you say that, Karkat?” Kanaya returned to her machine, hurriedly stuffing the black wad through the stitching area.

“Why would you need a thing that puts other troll’s marks on your stuff?”

“I… have it in case anyone desires me to make them garments that they aren’t able or willing to alchemize.”

“And how often does that really happen?”

“Not often enough.” Kanaya abruptly handed him the shirt, deftly snipping a dangling string or two as he held it up for inspection. It was certainly softer… and thinner. AND SMALLER. He eyed her suspiciously.

“Just try it on? I think you will be happy with it.” Karkat made a disapproving grunt.

“TURN AROUND.” Kanaya smirked again, and complied.

He whipped his old shirt off in one motion, leaving it inside out and crumpled on the floor. Carefully, he stretched the neck hole of the new shirt around his horns. They weren’t big, but still, it seemed kind of excessively rude to put one right through her hard work. He was surprised that the shirt fit, and well… okay it was really soft against his skin. Maybe he liked it. At least, maybe he could stand it once in a while.

“Well, what do you think? You are being awfully quiet. May I turn around?” He totally forgot that Kanaya was waiting for him.

“Uh, yeah, I guess so.”

“Oh, Karkat, that is definitely an improvement.”

“You haven’t even touched it. Wait, I guess you made it, so…” She grabbed his arm and hauled him over to the reflection pane. Instead of a shapeless black blob, he was, well… The shirt stretched around the firm muscles of his chest and arms, just enough to reveal their shape. It was still loose enough, though, as to not stick to that squishy spot on his belly that violated the otherwise enviably perfect build he was sporting... Okay, so it was far from perfect. Who was he trying to fool? Eridan was perfect. Gamzee was perfect. Karkat was… rectangular. But, this helped. At least he looked better than bones-in-a-trollskin-bag Sollux.

“Okay, I’ll be honest, I don’t know how you did this crap, but you win, I like the shirt.” He turned to see the back, it really was just a better version of his old shirt. It could have been a little longer, though.

“I am glad.”

“Why don’t people come to you for this stuff?”

“They do, I just wish it was more frequent.”

“If this one is free, what do they normally cost?” Kanaya looked away, and a creeping silence filled the room.

“You can’t be charging boondollars, those things are completely…”

“Blood, Karkat. I charge in blood.”

“WHAT?” Another silence. Okay, Karkat, did you forget she’s a rainbow drinker? He began to take off the new shirt carefully, because like hell he was going to be able to pay for another one. Better take care of his one. Kanaya grabbed his wrists, stopping him from pulling up the hem.

“Look, I understand that’s not a price you are willing to pay. If you desire more work, you could pay me in favors…” He liked keeping the shirt on. He did like it. Damn it. She let his hands go.

“What kind of favors? That’s not a yes, I just want to know.”

Kanaya looked down at her manicured claws for a moment.

“Karkat… you are not the sort of troll who exploits the weaknesses of others. I admire that quality about you.”

“Go on.”

“I want you to help me with a problem.”

“Look, I have no advice to give if this is about you and Ro---“ His sentence died in his throat as Kanaya hiked her shirt up almost to the grubscars. There was a hole through her torso. Still.

“WHAT THE HELL KANAYA? HOW IS THAT NOT HEALED?” Karkat leaned in to get a better look, despite the nausea he felt building in his digestive sac.

“It is smaller than when I was first… altered. The healing is going very slowly. Too slowly. I’ve asked Porrim about it...” Kanaya lowered her shirt and Karkat continued to stare as if he could see right through it to that still-fatal seeming wound.

“She said I need to drink more. As it is, I’m barely getting enough to survive.” He was afraid to meet her eyes, unsure of what he would find in them. This…wow. He had no idea. Maybe he just never thought about it at all. He was a shitty friend.

“I drink from Rose as often as she can allow, and Dave as well when I need it. Eridan asks me for things all the time, and Nepeta, but my ancestor says I need a wider sample of the hemospectrum.“

“Kanaya… I can’t.”

“I know. I wouldn’t ask you. Rather, will you please send someone to me?”

“I do want to help you, but how can I accomplish that?

“I think if you wear the shirt, the others may like it?”

“But, this is supposed to only be for Gamzee…”

“Why don’t you have a more public paledate? Its no secret the two of you are together.”

“You know how I feel about that crap… ugh, I’ll see what I can do. Don’t start making another shirt until I get someone. I can’t imagine me not failing at this.”

“Thank you Karkat.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

“And I should tell you… I can’t count Eridan or Nepeta as a success. They are already here as frequently as their health permits.”

“Okay.” Karkat more or less grunted the word. It was going to be a lot harder to get someone other than those two. Yuck. Socializing. Fuck, it was beyond that. He was practically whoring himself out. For fashion. He snatched up the discarded shirt and left without another word. His husk beeped. Fucking perfect.

\--twinArmageddons[TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist[CG]--

TA: iit’2 not liike you two be late.

TA: ii fiigured 2omethiing had come up, but ii hardly thiink your wilted gray bonebulge count2 a2 ‘iimportant 2tuff’

TA: ii appreciiate your accommodatiion of my iintere2t2 iin the wiildy iimprobable 2cenariio you pre2ented, 2o ii wiill agree two your condiitiion2, but on my term2

TA: term2, becau2e ii requiire two thiing2

TA: IIf your iinfante22imal hackiing 2kiill2 are up two the challenge, you wiill fiind the lii2t emaiiled two you a2 a locked attachment. The pa22word ii2 “2ollux Captor ii2 more awe2ome than Karkat Vanta2 at everything.” You have two type iit a2 wriitten, before you tell me iit2 not workiing.

TA: Two expre22 your iimmen2e gratiitude for thii2 favor, you wiill one- feed ED at hii2 block for the next two day2, and two- a2k me ab2olutely no que2tiion2 about the fiir2t reque2t.

CG: WHAT.

TA: plea2e reread the previio2 2tatement.

CG: ARE YOU GRUBFUCKING KIDDING ME.

TA: A lack of a query curl at the end of your 2entence doe2 not 2top iit from beiing a que2tiion. II do have a partiicularly regrettable form of punii2hment prepared iif you a2k agaiin. Regrettable for all partiie2 iinvolved, actually.

CG: AS LONG AS I’M TAKING YOU DOWN WITH ME.

TA: ju2t go do iit KK

\--twinArmageddons[TA] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist[CG]--

CG:??

\--carcinoGeneticist[CG] has ceased trolling twinArmageddons[TA]--

Two day commitment? Bullshit. Karkat had an excellent thinkpan. He already had the answer to this one, and it was shamefully obvious that Sollux was just not as intelligent. But still, he was upsettingly curious about those consequences. And, he wasn’t sure if going into Eridan’s block or typing that awful password on his compuhusk was worse. Well, it’s still one shoe before the other. Karkat squared his jaw and started down the hall.


	21. this chapter is too cool for you

Dave thumbed away a bead of sweat from behind his glasses. The other Dave kept his eye on him from across the room. The bro code demanded that a time out be honored for one minute after it is called. 

Sixteen.

Fifteen.

The other Dave was unreadable, holding his katana out at arm’s length, inspecting the blade.

Nine.

Eight.

Dave hefted the snowcone bullshit weapon and took a deep breath as the countdown ended.

Zero.

Dave flashstepped and met himself halfway, blade against blade. Future dave was always just a touch faster, just a little stronger. Rather than being infuriating, Dave found it reassuring that he would be that much better in ten minutes. He’d been strifing like this since the early hours after his shameful epiphany, and was starting to hit a wall. He had to be stronger, but there must be better way. He didn’t even know if it was possible for a human to be as strong as any of the trolls. He wasn’t giving up without a damned good fight though. Maybe he could spar with Terezi? Hmm, Terezi…

His world flashed to white as he heard a cracking sound.

“Not cool man, I thought we agreed that hits to the junk and to the shades were out of bounds.”

“Sorry, dude. I lost this fight ten minutes ago! You were thinking about my girlfriend just now, and I took my shot. Can’t be mad at me for knowing you better than you do.”

Dave ignored the rambling of other Dave as he tried to fix his glasses. He glanced up just in time to see the next Dave come in and high five the old one, phasing him out of existence. Stable time loops were a beautiful thing.

Hey, I’m calling it quits for now. That last Dave was a little uppity anyways. You got ten minutes there, freebird. Just come back in time for me to peace out.”

Dave sat down against the wall, cringing at the way the sweat made his shirt stick against his back. He wiped another bead of sweat from his face. Oh, great. His fucking glasses must have scraped the shit out of his face, because either he’s sweating like a Technicolor troll idiot, or that’s blood. He pulled his hand up into his sleeve and blotted at it with his hem. At least the shirt was red too. Wait, who cares? Ten point six seconds later, his hashmap modus barfed out a new shirt. Another twelve seconds later, shiny iShades dropped cooly into his waiting hand. He peeled the sweaty shirt off and toweled himself with it before carefully applying the new one.

Gross. Now he knows how Equius feels. Time for another shower, and then maybe some fucking sleep. Almost forgot about that shit.

Other Dave walked in with fifty eight seconds left. 

“Dude, that big blue guy is totally gonna help us out. With _robots_.”

“Why don’t I like where this is going?”

“He’s hella pissed now though. It might have something to do with my timing.”

“You know my timing is spot on, tied with my flow for perfection incarnate.”

“Well...”’

“Time for me to go, dude. You’ll figure it out.”

First Dave walked out the door, and Other Dave became the only Dave. Wait...don’t trolls tend to flip their shit instead of help you when you piss them off?


	22. 2hiit ii2 hiitiing the fan, that much ii do know

“You are late.”

“Yeah II know II’m 2orry two keep you waiiting EQ.” Sollux threw himself in the chair next to the hulking troll. He was so huge. Their arms rested against each other. Sollux maybe thought he should’ve sat a seat away, to let the big guy have some room, but getting up and moving a chair away would just be rude after he was already sitting. 

“I demand to know what kept you from this appointment.” Well, so much for being polite.

“II… can’t tell you.” Yellow blossomed on the skinny troll’s cheeks. Equius was so... _direct_.

“You will tell me.” He couldn’t possibly say he was in the middle of pailing his matesprit. No. He would die of humiliation on the spot. And Equius would probably die of dehydration from the ensuing sweatfest. 

“II.. over2lept. II over2lept. II’m 2orry.” Sollux felt like his entire body was on fire. There must not be a single part of him that wasn’t covered in furious mustard blush.

“You are right to be ashamed at such a failure in foresight.” He could feel the intensity of the stare from behind the mangled glasses.

“Geez, EQ, II’m 2orry. III diidn’t know iit meant that much two you. Iit look2 liike you got a lot of work done wiithout me.” By work, he meant making a huge mess. Several of the smaller compuhusks lay in pieces, their networking fronds twitching in shreds. Yeah, huge mess. He fired off a quick message on Trollian to distract himself.

 

twinArmageddons[TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist[CG]

TA: tiime two wake up, you bulge-2uckiing pant2-wettiing wiiggler.

TA: do you even 2leep at all? 

TA: iif you can pry your2elf off of Gamzee’2 bonebulge long enough, ii have the record2 of alcheiimeter u2e compiiled for you.

TA: iit took all of two miinute2

TA: ii understand that 2omeone a2 feebly thiinkpanned a2 you wouldn’t even under2tand how ii could accomplii2h 2uch a thiing. 2elect ‘hii2tory’. Cliick ‘priint’.

TA: ii also under2tand that iit would be iincrediibly diiffiicult two do much of anythiing with your hand eternally 2hoved iin your pant2.

CG: HeY sOlBrO tHiS Is GaMzEe!

TA: why the hell are you… nevermiind. 2up GZ?

Oh shit.

CG: KaRkAt Is BuSy RiGhT nOw Is ThErE sOmEtHiNg MoThErFuCkIn ImPoRtAnT yOu WaNt Me To TeLl A bRoThEr?

CG: MaYbE tHe BiTcHtItS pArT aBoUt BeInG oN mY bOnEbUlGe? :o)

Oh, man, why did he actually have to be the one to read that? It’s all well and good to harass Karkat about that stuff, but Gamzee’s a totally different story. He takes absolutely everything at face value. You can tell him that the load gaper was clogged because Tavros made a giant solid gold turd in it and Gamzee would be the first one there to marvel at it. Never you mind that robot rear ends don’t shit, as far as anyone knows.

TA: ju2t tell hiim II have the record2 of alcheiimeter u2e ready

CG: OkAy He’S mAkInG uS bReAkFaSt

Seriously? That’s such a domestic thing to do, they are nook deep in old matesprit territory, and drowning fast.

TA: GZ, can ii a2k you 2omethiing?

CG: WhAt DoEs A MoThErFuCkInG fInE iNvErTiBrOtHeR nEeD mE tO uNlEaSh ThIs MoSt FiNe UnDeRsTaNdInG oN?

TA: iif that’2 a ye2

CG: mOsT aFfIrMaTiVe! BuT iT wIlL bE aLl MiRaClEs If I hAvE tHe RiGhT wOrDs To AlL uP aNd TyPe WhEn YoU aSk It BeCaUse I dOn’T kNoW wHaT tHe QuEsTiOn CoUlD pOsSiBlY bE.

Is it even worth asking? An honest, indecipherable answer is marginally better than a dodgy neither here-nor-there answer.

TA: are you and KK mate2priit2?

He regretted typing it instantly. It was none of his business, and he was about to close his palmhusk and delete the conversation when a response beeped its arrival.

CG: SoLbRo YoU hAd Me So WoRrIed LiKe YoU wErE aLl CoUnTiNg On Me FoR tHe AnSwEr To SoMeThInG rEaLlY hArD aNd ThEn YoU AsK sOmEtHiNg I cAn MoThErFuCkIn AnSwEr WiThOuT nO ScHoOlFeEdInG aT aLl

CG: KaRkAt SaYs I hAvE tO gO dOg. :o(

carcinoGeneticist[GC] has ceased trolling twinArmageddons[TA]

delete conversation?Y/N

twinArmageddons[TA] has deleted this conversation

Damn it, damn it. Sollux cracked his bony knuckles and turned to the silent troll next to him. 

“2o, what are we workiing wiith here? Ii thiink you kiilled off mo2t of the viiable part2 on tho2e two over there…”

“I may have been able to salvage more if you had been here on time.” He sort of... hissed that through his broken teeth. Why the fuck is he so agitated?

“For the two miilliionth tiime, ii am 2o FUCKIING 2orry ii wa2 late! Ii don’t need two do any of thii2 you know.”

Equius let out an actual growl before smoothing his hair with his huge hands. It seemed to calm him? Ew, Nepeta must have to pet his sweaty head like that after every single time Karkat talks. Or Gamzee. Or Eridan. Shit, he’d better stop that line of thinking before he ends up pitying her.

“Such foul language is highly unnecessary. It would please me if you could contain such peasantly unpleasantries until after you are e%used from my presence.” 

“What? You know, nobody care2 about that crap but you. Knock iit off already.”

“I… oh.”

Sollux prepared himself to have a long, begrudgingly blueblood-arousing conversation about how he does what he wants, when he wants, when Equius totally checked out of the conversation. Aradia had entered the room, a welcome interruption.

“2up AA?"

“I brought this for you.” In her hand she had a collection of husktop keys, including one familiar, recently violated space bar, and two coveted f2s.

“Thank2.” She squeezed his hand as she passed them to him. With her eyes she motioned to Equius, who was dewy with a fresh sweat. Sollux could feel it clamming up his arm. He appreciated the distraction, but he could have done without the waterworks. He had a feeling it was going to end like this one way or another though.

“I have to go for now, Sollux, Equius.” She gave a meaningful look to the hulking blue troll. He made a move to touch her arm. She slapped his hand away with a loud smack, then kissed him with teeth.

Gross.

“I trust you will be on your best behavior?”

“Yes, Ma’am.” He sounded unconvincing. Equius had decaptchalogued a towel and begun dabbing at the moister regions of himself.

Aradia smiled her creepy little grin and left the two of them without further conversation. Sollux bit back his comments about _now who knows who’s place_ , and shoved the keys in his pocket. They were having some sort of on-off kismestitude, and Aradia promised that she would let him know whenever it was officially back on. Apparently, Equius hated ‘things’ and ‘acts’ more than he hated her, and she really only hated him sometimes. Having a matesprit was hard enough; blackrom seemed overly complicated, and Sollux was glad to not be having any at the moment.

Equius clenched his hands in his hair and let out a brief sigh as he watched her walk away.

_Who wants a kismesis anyway?_

Sollux walked over to the pile of discarded parts and stuck his hand in the exposed innards. He fished around for the central nodes and pulled them slowly from the ruined compuhusks. At least they were still viable. Setting them off to one side, he began carefully untwining silken infrastructure webbing from thicker conduit vessels. He paused to unfold a delicate circada wing panel whenever he came across one that was surprisingly unshattered. The only survivors were both lefts, but maybe he could put it in the alcheimeter backwards and end up with a right one? All of the moth-erboards were completely useless. None of them were mature enough to have the computing power necessary. Perhaps Kanaya could help make a paradox clone of a few of them and make some sort of huge mutant processor?

“There are t001s for that sort of work.” Ah, so EQ had stopped hate-daydreaming.

“Yeah, but iit2 ea2iier two ju2t grab them wiith my hand2.” His husk beeped. The yellow blooded troll hurriedly wiped his hands off on his no-longer clean pants and made it halfway to his pocket before one of the moth-erboards took flight. Blue energy shot out to snatch it from midair as red pinned the other to the ground before it got any funny ideas. The visceral lubrication proved more stubborn than a quick pants-towelling would remove and the palmhusk popped out of Sollux’s hand like a wet bar of soap. Tendrils of both energies cradled it centimeters from the ground. Equius made some sort of scoffing noise behind him and went back to his work. The psionic pulled it close and read the text. 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling twinArmageddons

CG: I GOT CAUGHT UP IN SOME IMPORTANT STUFF.

CG: SO I’M NOT COMING TO THE LAB.

CG: JUST SEND ME THE FILE.

CG: AND DON’T YOU DARE CODE IT, YOU SELF-PLEASURING NOOKSTUFFER, BECAUSE IF I CAN’T GET INTO IT WITH MINIMAL EFFORT AND HAVE TO COME LOOKING FOR YOU, I WILL BREAK YOUR FACE IN SO MANY PLACES, THE LAST THING YOU WILL REMEMBER IS YOUR FUCKED UP BRAIN LEAKING OUT OF THE CRACKS IN YOUR FRESHLY BIFURCATED SKULL SCREAMING ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’

CG: I SAID THAT TWICE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR OBSESSION. SEE, I CAN BE ACCOMMODATING.

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling twinArmageddons

He laughed out loud at the angry troll’s empty threats. Equius cleared his throat and Sollux ignored him in favor of returning to his work. Oh man, this was going to take a long time. Waaaaay longer than he originally planned. He’d be holed up in here for days… maybe he could convince someone to bring up dinner? Sollux couldn’t remember the last time he ate anything. His eyes settled on the new coffeemaker. In pieces. Fuck. Oh, crap, Eridan. Someone had to feed that hot mess, too. When the sounds of tinkering picked up behind him again, he typed out a response psiionically. He wasn’t going to risk touching his palmhusk until he had to. The lab computers were just so much … greasier than his own.

twinArmageddons began trolling carcinoGeneticist

TA: iit’2 not liike you two be late.

TA: ii fiigured 2omethiing had come up, but ii hardly thiink your wilted gray bonebulge count2 a2 ‘iimportant 2tuff’

TA: ii appreciiate your accommodatiion of my iintere2t2 iin the wiildy iimprobable 2cenariio you pre2ented, 2o ii wiill agree two your condiitiion2, but on my term2

TA: term2, becau2e ii requiire two thiing2

TA: Iif your iinfante22imal hackiing 2kiill2 are up two the challenge, you wiill fiind the lii2t emaiiled two you a2 a locked attachment. The pa22word ii2 “2ollux Captor ii2 more awe2ome than Karkat Vanta2 at everything.” You have two type iit a2 wriitten, before you tell me iit2 not workiing.

TA: Two expre22 your iimmen2e gratiitude for thii2 favor, you wiill one- feed ED at hii2 block for the next two day2, and two- a2k me ab2olutely no que2tiion2 about the fiir2t reque2t.

Would it be pushing it to make Karkat feed the both of them? Nevermind, it’s not like he wants to touch anything edible with all that stuff on his hands. The response beep surprised him.

CG: WHAT.

TA: plea2e reread the previiou2 2tatement.

CG: ARE YOU GRUBFUCKING KIDDING ME.

Man, he was bad at the second part, maybe he should have just requested dinner from Mister I-Cook-For-Two-Trolls-Now? Too late now. Maybe just telling him he’s already in violation would help?

TA: A lack of a query curl at the end of your 2entence doe2 not 2top iit from beiing a que2tiion. II do have a partiicularly regrettable form of punii2hment prepared iif you a2k agaiin. Regrettable for all partiie2 iinvolved, actually.

CG: AS LONG AS I’M TAKING YOU DOWN WITH ME.

Jesus he’s so annoying.

TA: ju2t go do iit KK

twinArmageddons has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist

Sollux began sorting the transmittermites by size when his husk beeped again.

CG:??

carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling twinArmageddons

Oh fuck no he didn’t. That defiant little grubfondler. Sollux walked over to the corner computer and smeared the keys with a flurry of greasy strokes. Files tokv-01ed.cam thru tokv-o4ed.cam deposited themselves neatly on Karkat’s personal husktop. As an afterthought, he placed them in a folder named “2weet New RomCom2 Ii Downloaded.” Eat that, loser. He became aware that the sounds of construction behind him has ceased again. How long had they been here already? Equius stood and shoved a towel forcefully into his hand. He tried not to wince, and sopped the fluids off his fingers. Hey, there towels are pretty absorbent… even when they’re… already soaked with sweat. Sollux was suddenly not hungry at all anymore as he held the towel as far away as psionically comfortable. Equius was looking at him.

“Uh, thanks, “ he squeaked. Change the subject, _change the subject_ …“Do you have a new 2hell ready?”

Equius gestured to a large screen, as wide across as his arm was long, on the recently cleared counterspace. It was a patchwork frame of the large, flat pieces of husk shell, riveted together with sleek panels of unknown metals.

“EQ, II don’t thiink the conduiit2 2trand2 wiill bond with anythiing iinorganiic…”

“Do you take me for a f001?” Ugh, the way he said that.

He spun the back around and opened the access panel proudly. It was empty. Sollux humored the big guy and looked closer. Lining the interior of the metal expanses, a mosaic of shattered huskshell bits formed an iridescent membrane. He ran his fingertips along it. Small sparks of red and blue ran along the minute channels between the tiles when he tested the conductivity. It was smooth and even; exemplary quality workmanship.

“EQ, I don’t thiink thii2 ii2 goiing two be ea2y. You’re got a really beautiiful 2hell here, but iit’2 huge! Iit’2 goiing two take the iinternal workiing2 of nearly every hu2k we have two buiild a large enough iinfra2tructure. There’2 not a whole lot of place2 two anchor the proce22or2 and the 2upport net ii2 goiing two have two be completely rebuiilt from 2cratch. II don’t even thiink we have any fiiber2 long enough.”

“I do not think that will be sufficient…”

“What do you mean? II can totally do that, it’ll ju2t take a few day2, and II‘m goiing two have two alchemiize new part2 and…”

“That is not what this is designed for.” 

“Not what thii2 ii2 de2iigned for? It’2 a hu2k2hell. Iit need2 computiing power, and two do that, iit need2 an iinternal web. Even _KK_ know2 that much about computer 2y2tem2!“ Sollux stared at him dumbly. 

“Yes, a standard shell would require such treatment. Simple machines will not do here. Biomechanics are my area of e%pertise, and that is what I have made.”

“Geez, EQ, Ii know you’re really good at thii2 2tuff and II’ll admiit that iit’2s really iimpre22iive but we don’t exactly have unliimiited re2ource2 and nothiing here ii2 really capable of poweriing 2omethiing liike---“

“We already have everything we need. The machine simply requires a more comple% living processor.”

“ A… more complex liiving proce22or.” He didn’t like the sound of that, or whatever look Equius was giving him from behind his broken shades. 

“How complex are we talkiing?” Sollux casually put a little distance between himself and the blue sweatbomb.

“It is somewhat inferior to the s001bot I created for Medigo, but not significantly so. That is why I requested your cooperation. Also, that is why this is so much larger than a standard husk.”

“II 2ee.” This is suddenly going in a very bad direction.

“With the use of your ---“

“Oh, is he gonna put you in there?” Dave’s voice interrupted from the doorway. The two trolls froze and turned to face him. 

“Do not interrupt---“

“You’re right, he’s sooo not gonna fit in there. Better trim him down. Want me to go find that chainsaw lady?” The human casually pushed off from his slouch against the doorframe and invited himself in the room.

“ Anyway, blue boy, I’ve got something to ask you about…”

“If you continue to disrupt so forcibly, I may be coerced to---“

“THAT’2 ENOUGH!”

Equius took a step forward and Sollux exploded in a panic. He threw the huge troll back with a burst of energy and made a mad dash for the transportalizer. Like hell was anyone hooking him up to anything like a fucking battery! He stumbled on the lip of the pad, and crashed onto the floor of the zodiac room. He spit a bloodied fang on the ground and was rubbing his cut lip when he heard the whine of the pad flaring up behind him. He scrambled to his feet and threw himself bodily onto the Gemini platform. 

_Good move Sollux. You went straight to the first place they’d look for you._

He silently moved though his block, towards the rear exit. He opened the door and barreled into the hall, red and blue energy crackling around him as a warning to anyone within sight. The hall was empty. Sollux took a deep breath and shut and locked the door of his block. He changed the password for good measure, then psionically flung open the door across the hall. Karkat’s block was empty. Sollux closed the door behind himself and listened. When he was certain there was no one moving around, he crept across to enter Gamzee’s block. Glow in the dark posters of harmlessly terrifying clowns stared at him from everywhere. He had meant to search for the entry to the vents that Gamzee had used perigees ago, but all the walls were covered now, and he’d leave evidence. Shit. Without a second thought, he shut the door and walked to the middle wall of Karkat’s block. He’d have to hole up in Karkat’s secret room. Even though he changed the password daily just to fuck with him, there was a chance that the angry troll would find him. He’d have to be … dealt with immediately so as not to alert the others. Sollux hoped it wouldn’t come to that. He punched in the password, and while the door was still open, he hurriedly changed it to a random sequence that he’d probably not even remember himself. The door slid shut behind him, and the only sounds were his panicked breaths and the steady hum of his beehouse mainframes. He didn’t hear any voice in the back of his mind screaming out the details of his demise. White noise gave way to a frantic chuckle. Fuck yeah, he’d totally escaped. Take that, you snooty blue son of a bitch! He’d just lay low until someone talked some sense into that obsolescently-idealed, hoofbeast-fucking, overpowered giant blue nookstain.

Wait.

Aradia knew he and Equius were alone in the lab. She had to know his intentions. She knows everything before it happens. And she knows Equius. Dave knew they’d be there too. The computer they were building was for them- a machine with enough power to communicate with the other humans. Who cares about sacrificing an alien to talk to far-flung members of your nearly extinct species? 

But, she’s his moirail. And he’d like to consider Dave a friend. Why else would he have agreed to help?

Karkat didn’t show up at all. He just tossed in an ambiguous excuse.

Are they all traitors?

His husk beeped. He threw it across the room. Fuck, no, he wasn’t talking to anyone until he got his head around the situation. Right now, that head was currently throbbing with overuse and a profound lack of sleep, which he would not be fixing anytime soon. Fucking dream bubbles. He’d have to figure out a way to hide if the meteor drifted through one.

Aradia would probably know the second he entered one.

Fuck, she’s his moirail, for crying out loud. If he can’t trust her, then who? 

At least the Ampora problem was addressed. No death on his hands for that one, it’s all on Karkat now. Wait, why does _that_ even matter?

Oh, and his head… The psionics fizzled out and gave way to darkness as Sollux curled in on himself and wrapped his arms around his head. In the space that his skinny arms couldn’t cover, Sollux watched one of the errant moth-erboards float by, flaunting its newfound freedom. Damnit, those things weren’t viable long outside of a web. He’d have no problem recapturing it right

after

he

Sollux nodded off, pressed between the wall and the mainframes.


	23. nobody likes Vriska anyway, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super triggery. It warrants all of the ~~best~~ worst of all the warnings. Like all of my other potentially offensive chapters, this one has a summary at the end so you can still enjoy the story without all the ~~scrumptious~~ gory detail.
> 
> But really, aren't you curious?

So angry, he was so, so angry. He just wanted to fuck something.

Fuck something UP. Up.

Equius shook his head to clear the depraved monologue. He’d worked so hard to get the two of them on this project together, and now it was just… ruined. His whole day was fucked. That filthy word made him even angrier. When did he even start thinking that way?

He growled at the human boy in the doorway and barrelled past him. Why? Was he going after Sollux?

No.

He found himself deep in the corridors, with no real sense of where he wanted to be going. He was nearly on the other side entirely when he saw someone around the corner.

With unmistakable horns.

His heart beat pounded in his chest. The events of the early morning had left him feeling unsettled, and then this… Equius rubbed the burn on his forearm. It was nothing, really, that would not heal. Nothing compared to what his own robots had done to him. But it was still an irritation, much like this day was becoming.

Much like this troll was becoming.

He did not think when he decaptchalogued a towel and started down the hall. F001ish girl, bent over a chest, counting boondollars as if they were worth anything at all.

He had no trouble at all wrapping the towel around her head before she noticed him. Being the Heir of Void was not an aggressive skill, rather, it allowed someone of his formidable size to travel completely unnoticed. It was a predator’s skill. 

“What the- HEY!” Vriska’s voice was muffled through the terrycloth. He wrenched her arms back and tied them there with a broken bow. Funny how those things seemed to turn up everywhere. Seeing it wound tightly around her bruising gray wrists sent a rush of adrenaline through his body. She kicked at him with all her stength; glancing blows, really. Surely she must know who her attacker is by now, and how little her struggle matters. 

He tightened his grip on the towel and shoved her head first inside the trunk. She let out a shriek as her face came down on the unforgiving metal. Her back bent at an uncomfortable angle, and suddenly she was upside down. Her heel found his jaw, but lacked the leverage to give the blow much force. Even so, he pinned her head down with one arm, and caught the offending foot with the other. She continued to fight, trying to free herself from his iron grip. Equius found himself less concerned with her futile efforts, and increasingly more concerned with watching the folds of her nook press against her thin pants as she braced her foot against his shoulder.

It had been a long time since had seen any action, really.

He stopped holding her head down and caught her other leg. He held it pinned against his side and traced a claw along the lips. This _uncouth_ female was not wearing undergarments.

“What the FUCK do you think you’re-“ 

Towels make excellent gags. They also soften the feel of any sharp teeth viciously biting from the other side. He was pretty sure he broke a fang or two out of her smug little mouth. She landed a kick to his nose. He grunted in pain as fresh blood dripped off his lip and spattered on the splay-legged troll in his grip. The pattering of the dripping liquid on the wet fabric whispered of more… erotic things.

Equius removed his belt and bent her one leg at the knee. He slipped the belt around her ankle and thigh, and pulled it tight. While she continued to thrash, she could now do very little to harm him. He stroked her opening through the fabric again, the folds opening and closing once against his touch. She made a frenzied bit of growling as he pinched them. He hooked a claw in the fabric, and simply tore open the crotch of her pants. Back already arched, she desperately squeezed her legs together in an attempt to protect herself. Equius easily pried her legs apart and inspected her opening. Her seedflap was taught, her bulge fully sheathed. His however, was throbbing and straining against its confinement. She glared daggers at him from behind the rumpled towel, silent but indignant.

He met her gaze expressionlessly. He simply raised his hand and stuck her nook. Not nearly as hard as he would have liked, but he was not done with her yet, and it would do no good to ruin a perfectly good nook. At least, not like that. He watched her folds tremble with stimulation, and take on the color of her inferior shade of blue. She let out a few choked sobs, and the fight slowly left her body as her strength was expended. What a disappointing show of prowess she had given. He let her legs go and he carefully stepped out of his shorts. He made certain to stay in view of the eye that was uncovered in her thrashings. His thick bulge was starting to emerge. The tip pressed and squirmed against the blue-soaked front of his briefs, filled out to the point of straining already. He stepped out of those as well, and her murderous look swelled to one of disbelief as he lightly stroked his bulge, and it eagerly emerged. He was truly embarrassed by its size when he was alone, but it did have an... _e%ceptional_ intimidation factor.

She shook her head violently as he smacked her nook once more. He supported his huge girth with his hand and guided it to her opening, and slicked the rich royal color over the thin, weak cerulean of her watered down aristocratic blood. He plunged the tip into her wastechute. She thrashed and arched her back sharply, and against her wishes, her nook convulsed and shone with a trickle of lubrication. Her bulge just crested the edge of her seedflap, but it was enough. Her body expected the stimulation. He withdrew from her ass and slowly slid his bulge into her nook. He felt the upper reaches of her cavity just halfway inside, but he knew there was more room. He grasped the tip of her stalk and pulled. Her scream was audible around the gag as her still dry sheath skin dragged along itself. He pushed in as her bulge was extracted, filling the space inside her , keeping it from slipping back. She made great wailing sobs as he slowly sunk into her, coiling his bulge and stretching her further than she was meant to go. Did she think anyone was coming to help? Leaning forward until the constriction on his bulge grew uncomfortable, he grabbed her head in one hand. He slammed it off the pile of glimmering boondollars, robbing her of her consciousness. Her legs flopped to the sides, spreading her nook as wide open as it could be. Throbbing and writhing, his organ pressed outward against every surface of her insides. He buried himself to the hilt with a squelch. His body sang the praises of his globes grinding against the base of her bulge. Cerulean tentacle flopped passively against their mass. He fingered it idly before abandoning in favor of his nook. It did not take much to send him over the edge, filling the defiled cavity to overflowing. He withdrew, and his spent seed gushed out in thick spurts, spreading blue stains down the thin orange fabric. Vriska stirred sluggishly. She weakly spat the gag from her dry lips.

“I’ll see you burn in hell!”

“It is you who has burned yourself," he snapped, backing away. "Do you still wonder what it is like to be one of my ‘toys’ as you put it? You wonder what it is like to feel what Tavros does? Allow me to enlighten you.” 

Equius slammed the lid of the trunk closed, the metal edge crushing through her waist before cutting clean through her spine. The top dented down from the force. She screamed from within the case, her lower body dangling sickly from tendons and fabric. Cooling blue material dripped down her leg. She was still screaming as he wiped his bulge off on her tunic. He undid the belt around her leg, and the lower half of her body fell away from the trunk with a thud. She might have still been screaming as he redressed himself. Being cut in half must feel terrible. The only pity he felt was that he hadn’t lacerated her windsacs. Hands in pockets, he made his way to his own block.

Nearly there, someone ran into him.

“Oh, shoot, I didn’t sea you there. Sorry, Equius!” She patted his arm gently and walked quickly past, wearing a peculiar yellow and black cloak. Curious.

He was really going to have a lot to discuss with Nepeta, post haste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY FUCK. JUST.  
> WOW.  
> SO EQUIUS KILLED VRISKA. BITCH HAD IT COMING IF YOU ASK ME.  
> PLEASE APPRECIATE MY APT CHOICE OF WORDS BECAUSE COME WAS INVOLVED. I'LL SPARE YOU THE DETAILS BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING TEAT-NURSING HUMAN CRYWRIGGLER WHO DOESN'T HAVE THE DIGESTIVE SAC OR SHAMEGLOBES TO HANDLE IT. VRISKA'S CUT IN HALF, EQUIUS GOT HIS ROCKS OFF SOMEWHERE IN THAT MESS, AND GOODNIGHT EVERYONE BECAUSE THIS SHIT SHOW IS OVER.
> 
> D--> I merely punished her for her imp001ite treatment of Tavros.
> 
> NOBODY FUCKING ASKED YOU.


	24. seer showdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a new chapter! I am officially ahead of my beta reader now, so I will try very hard not to spray typos and bastard punctuation everywhere.

“So… you think I’m doing something wrong? Or that I should just give up and move on?”

Nepeta lay on her back, knees drawn up to her chest. She tossed a green koffee can up in the air, pawing it gently when it came back down before sending it right back up. The Mayor squatted by her side in a most concerned manner. Concern over the conversation, or concern over the giant cat monster invading the city and tossing around the low-income daycare center like a ball of yarn, it didn’t really matter which it was.

“Maybe you’re just not aiming for the right quadrant?” Rose adjusted the tall twenty-four ounce energy drink cans that served as the front columns of the City Hall. She had sincerely not wanted their garish colors on such a prestigious building, but Dave had made a convincing argument promoting the creativity of community sanctioned graffiti. It went something like ‘Terezi’s gonna draw all over it anyway.’

Rose had a weakness for a well-argued point.

“Well… I’ve shipped us in all of the quadrants, but---”

“Silence in the courtroom! I heard there’s some contention over the hobby store I just proposed?” 

Terezi walked in, cane flailing. The oliveblood turned to her mid-sentence. A well-aimed 'errant' swing of the cane smacked the can midair, and the Mayor scrambled to make a prize-winning catch and save the daycare center from being dented on one side. Nepeta rolled over to watch the can, and a loose strip of fabric on the Carpacian’s garb wavered tanatlizingly. Nepeta was instantly after him. The mayor ran for his life, but also for his town, holding the daycare center out in front of him with both hands. He headed for the outskirts of town where a tacklepounce would not require massive taxes to be levvied for repairs.

Well played, Seer of Mind.

Two can play that game.

“Yes, Miss Pyrope. I strongly feel that if the citizens are denied the existence of a ‘severity of the punishment fits the severity of the crime’ legal system, they deserve a right to purchase a full spectrum of crafting supplies.”

“Are you still going on about that? I even complemented your clever use of the can tabs as gravestones for the condemned.” Her smile looked significantly less than complementary.

“I appreciate your sincere flattery, but we will settle this publicly. We will vote in the Mayors... impartial and wise presence, and a simple majority will decide the fate of the disputed shopping venue.” The seated Seer drew herself up to full height, smoothing her gown. It looked like someone may have to help untangle a certain city official from a certain feline-enamored troll.

“It’s a little boring, but sure, I can agree with that." Terezi tapped her foot agitatedly. "No matter what the Mayor decides, no recounts will be permitted, and the issue will not be brought to the town council again, okay?”

“You are very resolute on your stance in this matter. Very well, we shall see whose proposal wins favor with the Mayor. What do you say, fifteen minutes from now?”

“Your paltry slapdash presentation may suit your needs, but I prefer to gather my comrades to present my side in overwhelming clarity. I will crush your ignominous opposition. We’ll do this in one hour.”

“Agreed, but I will also have more time to prepare.” 

“H4h4h4! You’ll never be ready for what I’m bringing.” Terezi marched out of the room, twirling her cane.

Success. The craft store belongs to you now, Rose. 

Terezi won’t be available in an hour.

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT 7/1/14  
> Trying to climb back in the saddle on this one. I'm so sorry to all of you for falling off the regular updates wagon. I expect this thing to run around 70 chapters in all. The good part of that is I know where it's going, how it's getting there, and some of those chapters are floating around partially written already! The bad part of that is it will be a while before they are all done. Please stick with me if you like my story! I promise more excitement and more pailing!


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